Fortunate Journey Season 5
by ShaViva
Summary: As Sabina and John prepare for the changes in their family, events in the Pegasus galaxy threaten to tear them apart, as the past and the future for the ancient city clash. Established ShepOCship.
1. Stop worrying, wife

**Fortunate Journey Season 5**

**Author**: ShaViva

**Rating**: T, perhaps bordering on M in places

**Content Warning**: Adult themes, sexual situations, language, some violence here and there.

**Season**: 5

**Main Story Summary**: As Sabina and John prepare for the changes in their family, events in the Pegasus galaxy threaten to tear them apart, as the past and the future for the ancient city clash. Established ShepOCship.

**Classifications**: Drama, Romance

**Pairings**: John Sheppard & Original Character

**Main Story Spoilers for**: Plot spoilers for pretty much every episode in Season 5.

**Acknowledgements**: I used Gateworld dot com transcripts to back up my own viewing as I worked through each episode. Anything else I reference will be acknowledged at the point it's used in the story.

**Disclaimer**: The Stargate characters, storylines, etc aren't mine. I am unfortunately not associated in any way with the creators, owners, or producers of Stargate or any of its media franchises – if I was we'd have that movie (and more) so we'd know what happened _after_ Atlantis ended up in the bay. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, equipment, etc are the property of whoever owns them. The original characters and plot and anything else I made up are the property of me, the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

Copyright (c) 2014 ShaViva

**Authors note:**

Well, FINALLY! After way too long here it is, the last story in my Fortunate Journey series! Usually I put a long author's note in about the story, is it any good, etc. but this time since it's been that long I reckon everyone has forgotten the other stories anyway *grins*. This is another long story so it's going to take a while to post it all - any constructive comments and support you can offer, through Follows, Reviews, and Favourites, will be very much appreciated.

So, let's get right to it, starting with a little reminder of where the season 4 story ended ...

* * *

**Recap: Night time, Atlantis Infirmary, post John's surgery to repair the damage done by the collapsing building …**

"_I took the liberty of running a test on the blood sample Doctor Cole took," Jennifer said. "I'd estimate you're about 7 weeks along. Congratulations!"_

_"Thanks Jennifer," John and I grinned at each other madly. "That's great news!"_

_"What's great news?" Rodney walked into the infirmary, followed closely by Ronon._

_"Nothing Rodney," John dismissed, ploughing right through Rodney's protests. "Did you hear about Teyla's baby's name?"_

_I grinned - nice distraction tactics there._

_"Yes and as usual there's no justice in the world," Rodney took the bait instantly. "I was the one who had to deliver that baby and let me assure you there were parts that were frankly horrific. Sabina threw herself into a culling beam for Teyla so you know ... she earned it. What did you do except bleed all over the place? At the very least I should have gotten a middle name."_

_"Yes Rodney," we chorused._

_John and I shared a secret smile as the others talked over each other, sharing comments about their experiences with babies and naming them._

_There were still things I wanted to know, things I needed to share with my friends but I knew there'd be time for that later. In fact I believed right then that I had time enough for everything I wanted to achieve ... and time enough to live happily ever after with John and our children. It was a hell of a trade-off for being taken from my biological parents ... and I refused to feel guilty for thinking that way._

_"You okay?" John asked quietly._

_"Never better," I replied, resting my head against his chest with a happy sigh._

* * *

**Chapter 1: "Stop worrying, wife."**

"Hey."

I looked up from the report I was attempting to write to see John standing in the doorway of my lab. The place still had a dusty, deserted feel to it after my long absence. The clutter of ancient devices and the tools of my trade looked abandoned now, instead of the organised chaos I usually saw when I viewed my lab as a whole.

"Jennifer released you already – why didn't you radio me?" I asked, jumping up hurriedly and moving to his side. It didn't feel like anywhere near long enough since I'd watched him being wheeled away for surgery after being almost crushed under a collapsed building. Being John he'd insisted Doctor Keller patch him up and then gone on a daring rescue mission aboard a Wraith hive ship. Of course I didn't know any of this until later since I'd been the one in need of rescuing.

"Because I knew you'd think it was too soon," John returned. "Jennifer gave me the all clear to return to light duty."

'_Yes, and we all know she'd _never_ release someone if they weren't fit.'_ It was a snide thought and not really fair given I'd already spoken to Jennifer about why she'd let John talk her into something that could have killed him. I understood – he was going on that mission regardless of what Jennifer said – better that she do her best to send him out there safely than refuse and leave him even more vulnerable. I sympathised with the position he'd put her in – I knew from firsthand experience how stubborn my husband could be! And yet, I couldn't fully put away the knowledge that John could have died out there trying to save me, all because no one stood up enough to stop him.

"Okay," I said easily, touching a hand to his shoulder before moving back to my computer. I wanted to ask him about my report – somehow I had to put the events on Michael's ship into words fit for an official report. Usually I didn't mind writing post mission reports – we'd been back almost three weeks and it wasn't like me not to have it done already - but this had been much more than a mission and there were aspects I didn't want to dwell on myself, let alone put out there for others at the SGC to dwell on. I was all set to ask John for advice but stopped when I realised that he was worried about something, beyond my reaction to him keeping his release from the infirmary to himself. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Colonel Carter isn't coming back," John said bluntly.

"What?" I frowned. Sam had been called back to the SGC for a review and a one off mission with SG-1. She'd already been gone longer than we'd all expected.

"They're reassigning her," John explained. "I don't think she had a say in it."

"Oh." That one word contained a host of emotions and thinking that I knew John would understand without me having to explain it. I didn't do well with people leaving – not the important ones I'd come to count on. It had taken me a while to warm up to Sam as the leader of Atlantis, mostly because I had issues with Elizabeth's demise that were still unresolved. But I did warm to Sam, and I respected her too – she'd been in command during some difficult times and the city was in a much better place because of her. If she wasn't coming back then that meant ... "who's taking her place?" I asked.

John winced, and I knew _this_ was the part that had him worried the most – not that Sam wasn't coming back, but with who was replacing her. "Richard Woolsey," he said.

"_Woolsey_? The guy who admitted he doesn't like me and couldn't see why I should even be here? The one who was so bad at resisting the replicators that you had to use him to save all of us? _That_ Woolsey?" I tried for a calm tone but my voice rose until the last word was almost shouted.

"That's the one," John agreed, his calmness a contrast to my irritation.

"When?" I asked after a few moments, trying for a more reasonable tone.

"A week, maybe two," John replied. He'd already been keeping things running while Sam was away, saving whatever he could for her return rather than doing all aspects of the job. "I'll keep the pace ticking until he gets here."

"Right," I nodded reluctantly, grimacing. A week of relative peace before the new guy came in to make his mark – I could hardly wait … not!

Moving forward John took my shoulders into his hands and squeezed bracingly. "He'll be here for a different reason this time Sabina. Not to evaluate us or look for problems – he'll be here to support what we all do, including you, just like Elizabeth and Colonel Carter did."

"I'll believe that when I see it," I muttered half under my breath. There was no point in getting angry at something that wasn't in my control - I didn't like it but in a way it was almost funny, given my prior dealings with the man. "I probably shouldn't have been so blunt when he was here last time," I met John's eyes and let him see that it wasn't a big deal.

"Start as you mean to go on," John shot back, a smile taking over the worry. "It's probably a good idea to think on this as a fresh start for him though – _and_ for you. I don't think he's here to shake up the personnel."

"I hope not," my thoughts went immediately to the baby we were expecting in seven months. Being removed from Atlantis now that I was a bona fide member of the Pegasus galaxy was less likely but still something that hovered at the back of my mind.

"How are you feeling?" John instinctively zeroed in on where my thoughts had gone, shifting his hands down my arms until he could take my hands.

"Good enough that if we didn't have the test results to prove it I'd be wondering if I really am pregnant," I replied. It was true – at almost ten weeks I had yet to see any real symptoms. On the one hand I was okay with that – I wasn't ready to have the kind of awkward conversations I could imagine I'd have once the word was out – but a part of me couldn't wait to 'be pregnant' in every sense of the word.

"Don't speak too soon," John warned teasingly. "Remember what Jennifer said about morning sickness striking late for some women."

"I'm not ready to tell anyone yet," I leaned in to press my cheek to his before shifting away and drawing his attention to my computer. "We haven't really talked about it but ... I want to be ready for full duty as soon as possible. Jennifer made finishing my report a condition on signing off on my fitness. Evan still has three or four weeks before he's fit enough but I want to finish this. I just ...,"

"You don't know what you can get away with not including," John finished for me. He didn't say anything about my plans to keep my spot on Lorne's team, including going off world, even though I was pregnant. Not because he didn't have an opinion – in typical John fashion he'd wait until it actually became a probability before telling me what he wanted.

"Exactly," I said, content to let the more difficult conversation stay in our future.

"Stick to the facts," John advised me. "Don't speculate and don't get into what any of it means."

"The facts," I mused, nodding. "I can do that," my fingers hovered over the keys but I didn't start typing, glancing over my shoulder back to where John stood. "I was thinking I'd talk to Doctor Baxter," I said as casually as I could manage. Baxter was Kate Heightmeyer's replacement, a forty something psychiatrist with years of experience with the military, much of it 'in the field'. There was no doubt he was qualified for the position but I'd never availed myself of his services outside of mandatory half yearly check-ups, and even those less than willingly. It wasn't that I felt I _needed_ to talk through what had happened on Michael's ship – I just really wanted everything back to normal, including my role on Lorne's team, and ticking the 'mentally sound' box would go a long way towards convincing everyone that I was ready. I was more than willing to compromise on what my off world role would actually be because I had no intention of risking the safety of our baby – of course I didn't mention that to John because when we finally had that conversation I was counting on that compromise getting John to turn his initial 'Hell No' into a yes.

"I'm sure talking to someone impartial would help," John agreed, also carefully not making a big deal of my apparent willingness to do something I usually avoided at all costs.

"Okay then," I nodded, returning my focus to eyeing him intently. "You're really okay for duty?" I asked.

"I'm really okay," John agreed. Resting his hands on my shoulders he leaned down. "Stop worrying, wife."

Laughing I turned and pulled him closer. "I _will_ ... when you stop doing crazy things, _husband_."

Rather than reiterate once more that he'd do it all again in a heartbeat, John ended the argument with his lips pressed to mine.

* * *

True to my word I did talk to Doctor Baxter a couple of days later, the conversation helping me work out in my own mind how to complete my official report. I asked John to read it before I submitted it – not something I usually asked but this was hardly the usual post mission report. It was interesting to see him in 'administrator' mode, even though I knew how many hours he had to spend on that side of his job. John's office might look like he didn't spend a lot of time there and he avoided the paperwork whenever he could, but that didn't mean he didn't take this duty just as seriously as the rest of what he did. He was quiet as he read from my laptop screen and when finished he gave me an approving nod.

"It's good," he said, clicking the file closed and turning to where I sat beside him. "There's nothing obviously missing but it's not emotional either. Woolsey wasn't here so he'll probably be looking at all the recent reports closer than usual - be ready for him to quiz you on some of the details."

"Thanks," I pulled the laptop back towards me, intent on sending the report there and then, feeling a sense of relief when the email disappeared. It would sit in Woolsey's inbox for a few more days until the new leader arrived, and that was quite okay with me.

"Do you want to talk about you going off world now, or should we keep avoiding it?" John asked, straight to the point as usual.

"Now," I said decisively. "I know you suspended Teyla's off world travel when she was pregnant, but that was more to do with the risks she was taking to find her people than her safety in general."

"True, but there's no getting around the fact that it's unpredictable out there," John countered.

"Just to be clear from the start, are you saying No to the possibility of me returning to Lorne's team?" I asked intently.

"I'm saying I haven't decided yet," John returned. "Tell me why you want to do this?"

It was a good question and it put me on the spot. "I don't know," I grumbled with a frown. "Why do you want to fly?"

"Because it's part of who I am," John didn't seem to mind me diverting the question back to him. "Because I _need_ to."

Was going off world the same for me? I hadn't been doing it anywhere near as long as John had been a pilot, and I hadn't sacrificed as much as he'd had to, to make it part of my life. John wouldn't be himself if flying was taken away from him. Could I say the same for my role on Lorne's team?

That's when my true motivations hit me. I'd never been a part of anything prior to coming to Atlantis. That accidental trip had changed my life, changed me, fundamentally. Having a role in the city, becoming an expert of sorts in all things ancient long before I discovered why I had such an affinity for the subject, was the start of that transformation, but the turning point was when I joined Evan's team. Only then did I really discover what it was like to be a part of a unit with a singular goal. It grounded me, gave me purpose, fulfilled something in me that needed to contribute, something that my relationship with John couldn't give me. If I couldn't go off world anymore then I wouldn't be part of Evan's team anymore either.

"We both know I can't claim the same thing for going off world," I admitted. Looking down at his desk I hesitated, running my fingers over the keys of my laptop but not really seeing anything. "I don't _need_ to go off world … but I do need my team. If I can't go with them anymore then I'll lose that and I … I don't think I'm ready to give that up, not yet."

"Sabina," John put a hand to my chin and gently lifted my face so I'd look at him. "You won't lose your place on Lorne's team – I don't think he'd let that happen even if I ordered him to pick someone new, which I wouldn't do."

"You can't keep my place free for months John," I pointed out practically. "And it wouldn't matter if you did – if I don't return to the team until after the baby comes then it won't matter. I'll have missed so much – the team dynamic will change and I won't be a part of that anymore. There's nothing you can do to fix that."

"Except let you go back until the pregnancy forces you to take a break," John concluded, getting up and moving to stand at the window.

"Exactly," I agreed. I watched him for a few moments and then moved to stand beside him. "I don't have to go on every mission," I offered quietly. "I know things go wrong when we don't expect it but if you think back, aside from a couple of times, Evan's missions usually _do_ go as planned, and most of them are trading or research missions, not the dangerous stuff. We only do that when we're out rescuing you and, much as it pains me to offer, I could stay home then."

"Those couple of times you're so casual about almost killed you!" John glared down at me. "It only takes one screwed up mission Sabina. You know that more than most people."

"I know," I took a deep breath. "It'll still be a couple of weeks before anything has to be decided. Will you think about it, really think about it?"

John was silent for a moment but eventually he nodded.

"Thank you," I wrapped my arm around his waist and shifted closer, leaning my weight against him.

"I know we agreed to wait before we announce the pregnancy," John said a few moments later, "but you're going to have to tell Evan, _before_ I decide one way or the other about you returning to off world duty."

"You're hoping he'll do your dirty work for you?" I pulled away, irritated with him because he never made it easy for me. I didn't want an easy ride so it was mean to feel annoyed but I couldn't help how I felt – I might not look ten weeks pregnant but the new ups and downs of my emotions reminded us continually that big changes were coming for both of us.

"You know that's not true," John thankfully didn't take offense to my accusation. Wisely he'd already learned to wait for my mood to settle before taking anything I said at more than face value. "He deserves the truth Sabina, before he takes you out on a single mission, and you know it. I'm not saying his reaction is going to influence my decision but if you want me to seriously consider this, you need to be up front with him. I'm not taking this any further until you do."

"Fine, I'll tell him," I agreed grumpily.

"Just go easy on him," John's eyes twinkled. Did he think this was funny? "The shock might be too much for him, given how anti-marriage you used to be. Now look at you, hitched for almost a year already and knocked up as well."

Okay, so it was funny. My lips twitched as I held in my amusement – no way did I want to give John the satisfaction of teasing me out of my bad mood. In the end I had to laugh though. Hitched and knocked up – against all the odds that was _so_ me and I was deliriously happy about it.


	2. Thanks for telling me

**Chapter 2: "Thanks for telling me."**

Lorne was on light duty himself and I knew he'd been spending a fair bit of time in his office, until the inactivity coupled with the pain in his broken leg, drove him out into the city. Jennifer took pity on him and removed his plaster at the five week mark but he was still limping more than walking. The team got together for meals as usual so I'd seen how it still pained him – Evan was pushing forward on rehab but had a ways to go yet.

I wanted my conversation with him to be as private as possible but at the same time I didn't want to make it all official by requesting a meeting, so I decided to talk to him when he was off duty. The day after my talk with John I got up early, heading for the balcony Evan used for painting when he had a late morning start.

"Hey," I greeted him, my eyes going to the scene he was working on. "That's really good," I commented, looking closer. It _was_ good – the towers of Atlantis illuminated with early morning light. Somehow he'd made them sparkle in the sun, their mirrored surfaces reflecting back the ocean surrounding us.

"Thanks," Evan glanced over at me before returning his attention to his paints.

We stood in silence for a while, me watching him paint, him not really paying me any attention. I don't know how long that would have gone on for because I just didn't know how to begin the conversation. Thankfully Evan lost patience first, putting his brush and palette down with deliberate intent and then turning to me. "What?" he demanded, eyes narrowed on me.

"Ah …," I swallowed nervously. My news was of the awesome, guaranteed to get a happy reaction kind, so why was it so hard for me to share it?

"Just spit it out, for god's sake," Evan urged, folding his arms over his chest.

"Fine," I took a deep breath and then just let the words spill out in a rush, "John and I are expecting a baby … he insisted I had to tell you now, before he decides whether to let me come back to the team. Not that I wasn't going to tell you anyway, because it's great news, right? But it's still early days and you better still want me on the team because if you say anything that gives John more ammunition to ground me I might not forgive you." I stopped abruptly, almost grimacing as I looked up to gauge his reaction.

Aside from the slight widening of his eyes he gave little indication of what he was thinking. That wasn't unusual for Evan but it annoyed me more than it usually did. "Well, aren't you going to say something?" I demanded impatiently.

"Congratulations," Evan took my hands and gently pulled me closer. And then he hugged me.

I so wasn't expecting that – my eyes filled with tears and I sniffed as I leaned back to look at him. "Thanks," I sniffed again, swiping at my eyes as I gave him an embarrassed, too watery smile. "I really am happy," I insisted.

"I can see that," Evan patted me on the back before he let me go. "How far along are you?" he asked.

"Ah … ten – almost eleven – weeks," I shared. "We haven't told anyone yet. Well, Jennifer of course, but I wanted to wait until we passed the three month mark to make a general announcement."

"Most people usually do," Evan noted. "Ten weeks," I could see him doing the calculations in his head. "So you were …,"

"Pregnant on Michael's ship?"

He nodded.

"Yeah, although thankfully I didn't know it at the time," I replied. "John found out first, when he was on future Atlantis. He told me when he woke up after the surgery – it's all a bit surreal but Jennifer confirmed it."

"That's why he was so adamant about going on that rescue mission," Evan concluded.

"I guess, although I think he'd have done the same thing regardless," I smiled. "He'd have used a different argument to get Jennifer to patch him up."

Evan nodded again. "So … August baby huh?"

"I suppose," I shrugged. "Doesn't mean as much when we're so far away from Earth time and Earth calendars."

"True," Evan's brow rose. "Maybe you should look into the Atlantian calendar – after all, this baby is going to be half Atlantian."

"You know, I forget about that most of the time," I chuckled, shaking my head. "Amazing what you can ignore when there are other things to focus on." I wanted to give him time to absorb the news, to think about the implications for Team Lorne, but I had to know. "So … do you still want me on your team?" I hated the uncertainty in my voice, the obvious need for approval.

"_Yes_, I still want you on my team," Lorne said firmly. "Wouldn't be my team without you."

"Thank you!" I bounced on the balls of my feet a couple of times I was so excited. I wanted to hug him again but he held up a hand, halting my forward momentum.

"Hang on a minute," he cautioned. "Yes, you're still a part of the team but you have to know some changes will be necessary Sabina. That includes a decision from you, one with Colonel Sheppard's agreement, for how long you're going to continue to go out into the field."

"I already offered to sit out the rescue missions," I told Evan. "If you agree that you'll consider every mission on its merits and not go all super cautious on me, then I'll extend that and agree to sit out any mission you deem too risky."

"Really?" Evan's eyes shot to me, clearly surprised.

"I trust you," I told him simply. "I can't deny how important being on your team is to me – you'd know that even without what I said that night we got back from Michael's ship. You won't leave me out unless there's a good reason for it."

"Right, sure, of course," Evan frowned for a minute but then nodded. "I'm just surprised you'd give me that much control," he admitted.

"This baby is everything Evan," I smiled. "I don't want to lose what I've found being on your team, sure, but I'm not stupid."

"Evidence from recent events to the contrary," Evan muttered under his breath.

"I heard that!" I smacked his arm indignantly.

He laughed, patting me on the back again. "If this baby finally suppresses that hero complex of yours, all the better."

"Careful," I warned, my eyes alight as I teased him. "I might cross you off the potential godfather list if you're not nice to me."

"Really?" Evan looked even more surprised.

"Well … you _were_ at the top of the list but now …," I trailed off. It was too early to have spoken to John about things like godparents but it was something very important to me. I'd lost my parents and there hadn't been anyone to step in for them. I wanted nothing more than to devote the rest of my life to this child and any others John and I would produce together but I couldn't ignore the fact that bad things happened. I. more than most people, knew that first hand. Part of ensuring my child's future was making sure there'd be people to step in if the worst happened and I couldn't think of anyone as solid and responsible as Evan Lorne. He might hide it behind a bland façade but Evan had a soft heart and a great capacity for caring. I wanted that for my child if John and I couldn't be there.

"Me?" Evan reiterated, giving me a puzzled look.

"Of course _you_," I shot back, all teasing aside. "I thought we already had that conversation where we agreed that I could treat you like a brother … because we're family here in Pegasus … that makes you the obvious choice .. unless you don't want that kind of responsibility – it's okay if you don't. I just assumed you'd-"

"Sabina," Evan actually went as far as putting his hand over my mouth to shut me up. "You're getting ahead of yourself here. It's just a lot to take in. You only told me five minutes ago that you're pregnant and already you're skipping to the finish. Give me some time to get used to the idea okay."

"Okay, you're right. We should talk about it again down the track. God, I haven't even talked to John about it yet either," I could feel my face flushing with embarrassment. "I'm sorry … my mood is all over the place these days."

"Understandable," Evan excused. "My sister cried at the drop of a hat when she was pregnant the first time. Just for the first trimester," he added hurriedly when I looked horrified at the thought. "You'll be fine."

"I hope so," I murmured, the idea of displaying my emotions so openly for the next seven months not sitting well.

"Do you want me to talk to Colonel Sheppard?" Evan asked.

"He didn't say your reaction would necessarily sway him but it couldn't hurt," I replied. "At least he'll know I did what he asked."

"So, when would you have told me then?" Evan asked curiously.

"Before I went anywhere off world with the team," I said earnestly. "I remember how angry John was when he realised he'd been putting Teyla at risk for weeks before he found out she was expecting Torren. I'd never do that to you."

"You gonna tell Alex and Colin as well?"

I frowned. Did I want to tell the rest of the team before everyone else found out? And if I told them then John really should tell his team as well. "This is a lot more complicated than I expected," I admitted. "Would they be offended if I wait?"

"I don't think so," Evan assured me. "They'll make noises like they are but that's just team stuff. You should tell the Colonel's team though – if you haven't already."

"You're right," I sighed, wishing I could just hide on that balcony and watch him paint for a bit longer.

"Everyone will be happy for you," he pointed out gently. "You should enjoy it because you only get that first reaction once. It's special."

"You're right," I said again, more positively. "Thanks Evan," I smiled, giving him a quick one armed hug before I stepped back. "Talk to John when you get a chance – there's no hurry. I'll let you get back to your painting now."

"No problem," Evan moved to pick up his palette again. "Sabina," he called when I was just at the balcony doors. "Thanks for telling me," he said when I turned back.

"You're welcome … Uncle Evan," I replied with a grin.


	3. Let's hear it for hormones!

**Chapter 3: "Let's hear it for hormones!"**

"Thank you for joining me Mrs Sheppard."

I took my seat across from Richard Woolsey, hoping the uncertainty I was feeling wasn't showing outwardly. "Sabina," I invited, knowing I'd tire very quickly of hearing him use my married name in that too formal tone of his.

"Sabina," he repeated with a nod. "I have a few questions arising from your report on what happened while you were a captive on Michael's ship," he glanced down at his notes before looking back to me.

"That's fine," I replied – John had warned me the city's new leader would want to question me. Mr Woolsey had arrived the previous day with very little fanfare – enough that John hadn't felt compelled to command my presence when Richard beamed down. This was my first meeting with Woolsey – the man certainly hadn't wasted any time delving into the details of our recent activities!

"You wrote that Michael transferred you to his laboratory every day," Woolsey began.

"Not at the beginning, but by the time we got to M2S-445 it was every day," I corrected, wondering where he was going with this.

"Right," Woolsey looked at his notes again and then met my eyes. "Perhaps you can elaborate on what he was looking for during these … sessions."

I swallowed, glancing down at the table to see my own hands clenched too tightly. "I don't really know for sure. He wasn't exactly the chatty type," I dismissed, going for casual when inside my stomach was churning with butterflies.

"Did he question you?"

"Ah … yeah, he did," I returned, unwilling to volunteer information without being asked for it.

"And to what did these questions pertain?" Woolsey asked, a hint of impatience creeping into his tone.

"Mostly he was interested in my Wraith DNA," I pinned Woolsey with an intent gaze. "He's obsessed with creating the perfect human wraith hybrid and he must have thought the way the Ancients did their combining of different DNA codes would be useful."

"And was it?" Woolsey asked curiously.

"I have no idea," I replied. The involvement of Diamantia – what she'd told me when she's stopped me from destroying Michael's research – was something John had decided not to make common knowledge. If Michael and his hybrids self-destructed sometime in the future, linking it back to me was unlikely.

"You have the ATA gene as well," Woolsey said it like a question even though we both knew he was right.

"Yes," I frowned. "Why is that important?"

"I find it curious that the Puddle Jumper Colonel Sheppard flew to the hive ship was stolen," Woolsey commented. "Doctor McKay seems to believe Michael used it to escape before the hive ship was destroyed."

"Maybe," I knew all of John's team thought that Michael was still alive. Given what John and I both knew from Diamantia it was almost a given they were right. We didn't know for sure that he'd used the Jumper but how else could he have escaped so quickly? And if not him, who'd taken the ancient ship?

"Isn't it possible that Michael learned what he needed to know from his study of you?" Woolsey queried.

"More than possible," I said bluntly. "If Michael took the Jumper then he had to have created a fix to get around needing the gene. As far as we know he hasn't had that capability before – even though he had a clone Doctor Beckett in custody for years. The most obvious conclusion is that he developed something while Teyla and I were on the ship. He has some level of ATA capability now, because of me."

"So you blame yourself?" Woolsey sounded almost gentle as he looked at me curiously.

"Wouldn't you?" I returned. Shaking my head I glanced away, wishing the doors of the conference room would open for my escape.

"You were a captive against your will," Woolsey pointed out. "I find it hard to believe you made it easy for Michael to get what he needed from you."

I laughed suddenly, knowing that both of us were thinking of that first meeting two years before when I'd been less than cooperative with him. "Gave him hell every chance I could," I admitted, still grinning.

"Yes," Woolsey didn't smile but I decided that somewhere inside he was amused. "From all reports your conduct was exemplary, under the circumstances."

"If you're not looking to hold me responsible, I don't understand what this meeting is about," I admitted.

"The standard of reports from off world missions is inconsistent, something I'd like to address. Your report is … vague in places and too brief in others," Woolsey frowned. "Can you explain why?"

"My report is factual," I replied. "Everything we're talking about now is speculation – none of us saw Michael escape. We don't have any of the information from his lab on the ship either – the medical research Rodney collected predates what happened during Teyla's and my captivity. While I _know_, in my heart, that he stole the jumper using what he learned from my DNA, I can't prove it – and guesses, no matter how confident they are, don't belong in official reports."

Woolsey's eyes narrowed as he considered my explanation. When he nodded, glancing down at his notes and writing a few words before closing the cover, I felt the tension inside drop away.

"Thank you Sabina, that's all for now," he said formally, rising and then waiting for me to do the same.

I didn't know what to say so I just nodded and then quickly exited the room. The whole thing had been odd … not what I'd expected at all. Maybe John was right – maybe Woolsey as the leader of Atlantis was a different creature than the Woolsey we'd met before. Time would tell.

* * *

Morning sickness struck with a vengeance as soon as I passed the eleven week mark. It was as if a switch had been flipped inside me. I went from no signs of nausea at all to feeling sick all day and losing the battle to keep down most of what I ate soon after every meal. It only took a couple of days for John to get concerned enough that he insisted I talk to Doctor Keller.

"Morning sickness is a part of pregnancy," I told him, unwilling to bother Jennifer when I knew how much time she was putting into fixing clone Carson's problem so we could get him out of stasis. Since I was lying on our bed, pale and still feeling the urge to vomit, my argument was hardly convincing.

"Morning sickness yes," John returned insistently. "Afternoon and evening sickness too, not so much! Even I know that."

"Fine, I'll talk to Jennifer," I agreed, dragging myself from the bed to get it done. John moved to my side, putting his arm around my waist supportively.

When we got to the infirmary we found Doctor Keller hunched over her keyboard, a frown on her face.

"How's it going Doc?" John greeted her, keeping his arm around me. Jennifer looked up and my eyes widened as I got a good look at her. Her eyes were red, the dark circles underneath highlighting the paleness of her skin. She looked so tired it was a wonder she had the energy to keep herself awake.

"Colonel, Sabina," she smiled as she stood, pushing aside her own concerns. "What can I do for you?"

"You know how you said morning sickness could strike at any time?" I asked, deciding she didn't need me to point out how tired she looked.

"You've been nauseous?" she asked, touching a hand to my arm. "I know it can be disconcerting but it's perfectly normal."

"Vomiting all day doesn't seem normal Doc!" John exclaimed. "Sabina hasn't kept a meal down the past couple of days."

"At this stage the vomiting itself isn't a concern," Jennifer moved to one of the examination bays, urging me to hop up to the bed so that she could examine me. As she took my blood pressure she continued talking. "Your body can handle a reduced level of nutritional intake."

She turned to John as she completed a simple check-up. "Everything looks fine but Sabina is slightly dehydrated. We'll admit her for a few hours and administer electrolytes directly through a drip."

"And if she keeps getting sick all day?" John queried.

"We don't know for sure what causes morning sickness," Jennifer explained, "but we believe it results from increased levels of hormones in the body as the pregnancy develops. Different hormones kick in at different stages. High levels of HCG in the first weeks followed by steady increases in oestrogen and progesterone throughout pregnancy – sometimes it takes the body time to adapt to the changes they bring."

"So you're saying Sabina will adjust and then the sickness will stop?" John asked. While I was quite capable of asking questions myself a large part of me was enjoying seeing John in 'concerned husband and soon to be new father' mode. All the other times I'd given him cause to be concerned about my health I'd usually been too out of it to witness the phenomena personally, getting instead the rundown from those who had seen him in action. He was … sweet. I held in a smile, sure John wouldn't be thrilled with that label.

"The most likely scenario is yes," Jennifer agreed. "For now we'll monitor the effects and if needed, administer anti-nausea medication if a long term solution is required."

"I don't want to take any drugs," I spoke up quickly.

"We'll only use medications proven to be safe during pregnancy," Doctor Keller reassured me, "and only in the worst case scenario that your morning sickness persists beyond the first trimester, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed reluctantly.

"Let's get you settled," Jennifer called over one of the nurses to help hook me up with the drip.

"You don't have to stay," I told John in a low tone. The days of keeping the pregnancy a secret were probably numbered but having him hovering around my bedside would only draw attention to both of us. The infirmary was quiet and with any luck I'd be in and out before anyone thought to question what I was doing there. "I'll be fine," I insisted, knowing John had plenty to do and couldn't really spare the time.

"Okay," he put a hand to my hair in a light caress before reluctantly stepping away. "Call if you need me," he ordered, giving me the look that said he'd be unimpressed if I didn't do what he said.

"Yes Sir," I shot back. He shook his head, a smirk just touching his lips as he turned away.

"Behave," he got the last word in, striding away before I could respond.

After a few quiet hours in the infirmary Jennifer released me back to normal duty. I felt so much better I had to acknowledge that John had been right to seek assistance. Neither of us knew what to expect from pregnancy so it was a timely reminder to me not to assume anything. I'd had the chance to query Jennifer a little about her own condition and how tired she clearly was. She hadn't denied it but had reassured me that she'd get the chance to rest soon since Mr Woolsey had ordered her to either revive Carson or put the project on hold indefinitely.

Still I felt the need to mention our talk to John when we got back to our quarters after dinner that night.

"I'll make sure she goes off duty as soon as she'd got Carson stabilised," John promised. "You're looking better," he changed the subject, gathering me close.

"I feel much better too," I leaned in, taking a deep breath as I absorbed his scent and his warmth and his John-ness. "You feel great," I added, smiling up at him.

"Sabina," John's tone went all deep and heated. I shivered, his voice enough to have me thinking all kinds of intimate thoughts. When he bent down to kiss me that zing of ATA connection I would never completely get used to washed over me, stronger than ever. I pulled him closer, skipping all the slow steps of foreplay as I demanded with everything I had that he just cut to the chase so we could have our way with each other. We'd never struggled to turn up the heat but still the urgency that gripped me was a surprise. My need dragged John along with me, both of us willing to follow where the passion took us until we lay breathless on the mattress side by side some time later.

"That was … surprising," John's voice was hoarse, his chest still rising and falling at a faster pace than usual.

"I have no idea where that came from," I returned, my limbs feelings too weak for me to do more than just lie there.

"Hormones?" John suggested uncertainly.

"Probably," I smiled, happy to discover the upside of pregnancy after the lows of all day sickness. "Let's hear it for hormones!"

"Hell yes, to hormones," John returned.


	4. No wonder I've been feeling off all day!

**Chapter 4: "No wonder I've been feeling off all day!"**

The next morning Doctor Keller revived Carson from stasis. He was rushed to the infirmary and it took a few hours before Jennifer radioed John to let him know Carson would soon be awake. John stopped by my office on his way through so I could go with him to the infirmary.

We didn't have to wait long. When Carson opened his eyes and saw us all waiting for him I could see how touched he was. Jennifer's relief was easy to see too, the drive that had been keeping her going disappearing and leaving her shoulders slumped with weariness. When John moved away to urge her to go and get some rest she didn't protest, throwing me a grateful smile before she moved away.

"It's good to see you awake," I told Carson, waiting until everyone else had said a few words before taking my own turn. I had mixed feelings about the situation – part of me was so happy to see him. That part wanted to tell him about the baby even though it wasn't the time, but the rest of me was torn. I knew he wasn't our Carson but he had all the memories that were important to me there inside him. Where should my loyalty lie – with the Carson I'd known, or with this Carson clone, who believed himself to be one and the same? Was loyalty even a valid consideration given the Carson in front of me had no choice in his existence and no way to be anything other than what he was? It was something to think about – and in the meantime my conscience demanded that I treat him with respect and care.

"It's good to be awake," Carson replied, "although to tell you the truth I feel like I only had me eyes closed a wee few minutes."

"That's good though," I commented. "Wouldn't it be strange if you were aware of time passing while you were in stasis?" John had been in stasis for 700 years and he'd never mentioned being aware during that time.

"Oh, aye," Carson agreed. He gave me a pained look. "How's the shoulder then lass?"

"You mean the one you shot?" I smiled to let him know I was teasing. "It's fine."

"I'm right sorry about that lass," Carson apologised. "You've no idea how much."

"It wasn't your fault Carson," I insisted firmly. "Michael was controlling you but you were strong enough you stopped him from killing me. Thank you for that."

Carson still looked troubled but shook it off. "What's been happening here then lass?" he asked, eager to be caught up on the news of Atlantis.

I gave him a few details before Doctor Cole arrived on duty and insisted that Carson needed to rest. "I'll come back when you're up for visitors," I promised.

I'd been nausea free all day and had been hoping that meant I was cured. I managed to get almost all the way through to lunch without a return of the same symptoms. John and I were talking about nothing in particular in the last few minutes before we both had to return to duty when the immediate need to rush to the toilet hit me and I knew my hopes to be dashed. I made it back to our quarters just in time – vomiting the lunch I'd just consumed was no fun, even with a concerned husband holding back my hair. Neither of us said much until the sickness passed and John led me to our bed to rest.

"Feel better?" John asked softly, his hand resting low over my still flat stomach.

"A little," I sighed, closing my eyes as the heat from his palm warmed me. "Well … this sucks," I commented after a few moments of silence.

"That it does," John agreed. He stretched out beside me, gathering me close and just lying with me, the two of us together in the silence.

We were drifting in that zone of half wakefulness when a new wave of something washed over me. "Oh," I muttered, swallowing hard.

"More sickness?" John was instantly up beside me, his hand on my shoulder.

"N-o," I said slowly, frowning. It wasn't the same nausea but I felt strange in a familiar and yet unfamiliar way. "Something's not right," I muttered, getting up from the bed and standing still in the middle of our room.

"Sabina?" John got up to stand beside me. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," I felt frozen as I struggled to sense something, to listen for some sound that would explain what was going on. The more I concentrated the more I realised I'd been feeling the edges of something for hours, since I'd woken that day if not before. I just hadn't noticed because I hadn't been paying attention.

"Colonel Sheppard, this is Teyla," John's radio crackled to life.

Eyes still on me John moved to answer it. "Go ahead."

"John, we have a problem," Teyla reported.

"What is it?"

"Wraith," I murmured just before Teyla spoke.

"It is Doctor Keller," she revealed grimly. "She did not report for duty this morning, nor did she answer her radio when I tried to contact her. I am in her quarters with Rodney and Doctor Beckett – there is something you need to see."

"I'll be right there," John promised before signing off. "Wraith?" he queried me.

"I don't know how but that's what I'm sensing," I sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing my arms even though I wasn't cold. "It's not like before," I added. "Not like being on the hive ship."

"But?" John squatted in front of me, his hands going to my knees.

"If I didn't know better I'd say there was something Wraith in the city – something more like Wraith tech than an actual Wraith," I struggled to define that feeling that was still growing stronger the more time went on.

"Johnson," John tapped his radio, contacting one of his men. "This is Sheppard. Meet me outside Doctor Keller's quarters. Bring a Wraith stun gun."

"Yes Sir," Johnson replied without question.

"I'm coming too," I got up quickly. "I won't be able to relax until I see what's going on for myself," I added when John looked like he was going to protest.

"Fine," he grabbed my hand and urged me from the room, keeping a hold until we got to Jennifer's room. Then we stepped inside and saw the doctor so still, a mass of red tendrils draped over her, their ends disappearing into her skin, and my blood froze.

"Oh God," I muttered, drawn closer without conscious thought. Jennifer looked like she was sleeping but I knew she wasn't – how could it be as simple as sleep when something was using her to grow itself. That feeling of Wraith-ness was much stronger now I was face to face with the source – my attention was captured and I only realised I'd zoned out on everything else around me when John took my hand again and squeezed insistently.

"Sabina!"

"What? Sorry," I blinked, refocusing. "What?"

"Carson is transferring Keller to an isolation chamber," John explained.

I nodded, following along as everyone left Jennifer's room. "Did you sense it?" I asked Teyla as we stood in the corridor, unwilling to just abandon the doctor before help arrived.

"Not immediately, but yes," Teyla replied. "Whatever it is, its origin is Wraith." She turned her attention to me. "You felt this as well?"

"It took me a while to understand what I was sensing," I explained. "It was pretty weak at first but I think it's been getting stronger since this morning."

"That is my feeling as well," Teyla agreed.

"I don't understand how this could be," I rubbed my forehead tiredly. "How does something Wraith get into Doctor Keller like that?"

"I don't know," Teyla admitted, "but I am sure Doctor Becket and Rodney will uncover the truth."

The medical team arrived with a gurney and we all stepped back to make room. "There's nothing more we can do here," John touched a hand to my shoulder. "You okay?" he asked quietly.

"Don't worry about me," I told him firmly. "Jennifer's the one who needs help now."

"Why don't you head back to your lab," John suggested. "I'll meet you there later."

"Okay, as long as you promise to call me if there's anything I can do to help Jennifer."

"I promise," John agreed. "Get to it woman."

"I'm going," I exchanged an amused glance with Teyla before reluctantly walking away. I wanted to stay but John was right – there wasn't anything I could do to help, not unless they needed more insight into the Wraith aspects. Given Carson had been a prisoner of Michael for two years it was unlikely they'd need more input from me.

* * *

"Sabina, can you report to the infirmary," Carson's Scottish brogue was stronger than usual as he requested my presence.

"On my way," I returned, closing my laptop and hurrying out the door, my mind already running over the various reasons the doctor would want to see me.

Things were still quiet in the infirmary – aside from the nursing staff Carson and I were the only occupants. "It's good to see you up and about," I told him when he greeted me.

"Aye, I just wish it were under better circumstances," Carson replied.

"How's Doctor Keller doing?" I asked.

"Not good Lass," Carson admitted. "We've isolated an alien pathogen in her blood we think is the cause of what's happening to her. Something she picked up on M2S-445."

"Ah," I half smiled, suddenly understanding why I was there. "You're testing everyone who was there?"

"I've already taken samples from Colonel Sheppard's team," Carson revealed.

"I wasn't there for very long," I pointed out, "and I never went into the ruins like Jennifer and the others did."

"Better to be safe than sorry," Carson replied. "Teyla had limited exposure as well but we still collected samples from her."

"And now it's our turn," Major Lorne strolled into the infirmary, hardly limping at all now. He looked fit and his expression was serious – he'd already been filled in on what was going on.

"Have you seen Jennifer?" I asked as he stopped beside me.

"Yeah, and it's not looking good," Evan returned, folding his arms over his chest. "This thing is doubling itself every couple of hours now – it's got Keller totally encased like one of those cocoons. Radek thinks it's a hive ship growing out of whatever's running through her system."

"A hive ship?" my eyes widened. "No wonder I've been feeling off all day!"

"You've been sensing something?" Carson asked curiously, his attention on the tools he was preparing to take samples from both Evan and I.

"I suppose so," I shrugged, staying still while Carson took blood. When he was finished I turned to Evan. "It's not as clear as it could be because I was already feeling sick – it took me a while to work out that what I was feeling wasn't about me."

Evan glanced pointedly at Carson before giving me a questioning look. After so many years of silent communication as part of his team I knew what he was asking. Did Carson know I was pregnant and if not, did I mind if he found out now. I nodded that whatever he wanted to say would be okay.

"Morning sickness?" he asked.

"Big time," I laughed. "You know me – never do anything half way. Managed to get through eleven weeks with nothing and then the past few days it's been morning, noon and night sickness."

"You're pregnant lass?" Carson asked, his eyes twinkling with delight.

"That's the big news," I told him. "John and I are waiting until the second trimester before we make it general knowledge."

"And wonderful news it is lass," Carson smiled, patting my shoulder fondly. "Imagine that – you and the Colonel parents."

"It does defy the imagination, doesn't it?" I joked. "Hopefully we'll work out what we're doing before we wreck the kid completely."

"You'll be fine," Carson said firmly. He finished up with Lorne's tests and then turned to us. "I'll run the tests and let you know as soon as we have the results."

"Thanks Doc," Lorne nodded. "Sabina, I'll see you later too."

"Okay," I watched him walk away before turning to regard Carson curiously. "So you're really better now?"

"Not completely," he admitted. "I was scheduled to return to Earth but with Jennifer's situation insisted I stay. I've seen this before Sabina, when I was working for Michael. I'm praying that something I learned then will prove useful in working out how to stop this."

"You'll do it," I said confidently, pushing aside all other concerns, like why he was going back to Earth and whether he'd get to come back.

"I hope so lass," Carson said, his worry clear in his expression.

It didn't take long to get the results of all the tests and as I'd feared the news wasn't good. Teyla and I were both clear of the organism but John and the rest of his team, Evan, and everyone else involved with the rescue operation were all infected. Carson ordered an immediate quarantine until they could work out whether the organism was contagious as well as whether it was likely anyone else would succumb to the same condition as Jennifer.

"I don't see how it can be contagious," I told Carson insistently, aware of Richard Woolsey taking a supporting position behind the acting doctor.

"We know little about how the organism operates," Carson explained. "Until we do we can't afford to take chances."

"I've been with John every day since we got back from M2S-445," I said bluntly, "breathing the same air, sharing the same space." I eyed him intently. "You know what I'm saying here Carson. If anyone was going to be infected by contact with someone who already has the organism it would be me."

"Aye, that's true," Carson agreed. "I'm not willing to conclude anything about the entire population – you're different enough Sabina that I can't justify using you as an example of the human population here – but its evidence enough to clear you and Teyla from following the quarantine."

"So I can go and see John?" I asked hopefully.

"You can go and see the Colonel," Carson agreed, casting a glance to Woolsey and getting a nod of agreement in return. "But be wary lass – we can't say for sure what effects the pathogen has. Those affected may not be themselves."

"I'll inform the guards to clear you through," Woolsey confirmed.

"Thank you," I smiled quickly but didn't linger. John hated being shut off from the action. It hadn't been more than a couple of hours but I knew he'd already be pacing impatiently, wondering what was going on outside the walls of our quarters.

"John?" I called out when the doors swished open, taking a step inside.

"Stop!" John straightened from his position near the window, holding up a hand firmly.

"It's okay," I reassured him. "I'm not infected."

"Yet," John pointed out. "I'd prefer to keep it that way."

"Don't be silly," I shook my head fondly, ignoring that still raised palm and striding forward. The doors swished closed behind me. "Do you think I'd have gotten in here if Carson hadn't already cleared it?"

"I guess not," John frowned.

"He wasn't willing to conclude that you aren't a threat to the rest of the population but after all these weeks it's unlikely you'll be able to infect me," I explained.

"This is crazy," John turned away, back to pacing in front of our window. "If something was going to happen to the rest of us it should have happened by now."

"It's only been a few hours," I pointed out. "I don't want to think that what's happening to Jennifer will happen to you but I won't lie and say I'm not glad Carson is being so cautious with you." I moved closer, putting a hand to his back. He was so tense, his back feeling like rock. "I'll stay with you until this is over," I said softly.

"You'll clear out the minute I start going hive ship," John corrected, turning and putting his arms around me.

"Okay," I agreed, although in all honestly I wasn't sure I could just leave him to the same fate as Jennifer was currently suffering.

"You okay?" John asked after a few moments where we just stood, comforting each other.

"Not really," I admitted. "It's not the first time I've had to worry about you but I don't know … this feels different somehow."

"Because of the baby?" John asked, leaning back to look down at me.

"I guess," I couldn't help the small smile that always touched my face whenever he talked about our baby. "You've always been the most important thing to me and I thought I'd felt that as deeply as it was possible to feel it but now … now I have all that worry about you for myself but it's more because I'm worrying about all the new stuff that's just you and our child. What the kid will miss out on if something happens to you." My voice wobbled at the end because I hated even contemplating John not being there, let alone voicing any of those concerns.

"Nothing is going to happen to me," John promised, his hand coming up to cup my cheek. We both knew he couldn't promise that but his confidence was so strong that I always felt better just hearing him say it.

We looked at each other eye to eye for a few moments before I nodded. He kissed me, an uncharacteristically gentle kiss that had me sighing deeply.

"What should we do while we're waiting for news?" I asked when we finally broke apart.

"Well, I was going to pace around impatiently but now that you're here," John trailed off with a grin. Since both of us were technically still on duty I knew he wasn't suggesting anything intimate – more's the pity: gentle John always sent my heart thumping.

"Tease!" I laughed, slapping his shoulder before turning away. "Movie?" I suggested.

"It'll do for now."


	5. How bad is this going to be?

**Chapter 5: "How bad is this going to be?"**

A few hours later Mr Woolsey arrived with Rodney and Ronon in tow. "Would you mind giving us a few minutes," Woolsey asked me. I looked at John, saw him shrug, and shook my head. It was our quarters – my home – and being kicked out of it didn't sit well with me, but given the current situation I couldn't argue.

"I'll go and see how Major Lorne is doing," I said, nodding to Rodney and Ronon on my way out.

Evan had been confined to his quarters too, with a guard placed outside. "Can I go in?" I asked, wondering if Woolsey had been true to his word in letting all the guards know I was okay.

"Yes Ma'am," the guard answered, stepping aside so that I could swipe a hand over the chime to let Evan know he had visitors.

"Sabina," Evan stepped back with a frown, shooting the guard a sceptical glance. "Should you be …,"

"Relax, I'm immune," I told him briskly, striding past him so the doors swished closed behind me. I'd never been in Evan's room before but the look and feel of it didn't surprise me. It was military neat – kind of quiet and unassuming in the same way Lorne himself was – with the personal touches you had to look as closely for as the hints of the real Evan he kept hidden from all but his closet friends. The picture of his sister and his nephews on his bedside table. A stack of canvases resting against the far wall with only their backs showing. A small bookcase full of what I knew would be serious literature and philosophy books. "This is nice," I commented with a smirk.

"If I'd known I was getting visitors I'd have tidied up a bit," he retorted sarcastically, moving to close the doors on that bookcase I'd already noticed.

"Enjoying a deep and meaningful book isn't a crime you know," I pointed out, amused that he'd try to hide something from me.

"Maybe not, but I'd prefer it if we kept my hobbies out of the Atlantis gossip mill," he returned.

"As if I'd add anything to the mill," I pretended offense. "You should know me better than that!"

"You're right, sorry," Evan sighed, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. "It's just this forced inactivity and not knowing what's going on. I feel like if something doesn't happen soon I'm going to bust out of my skin."

That was a lot more detail said with a lot more emotion that I was used to from Evan. My alarms were raised and I eyed him intently, looking for signs that he was okay. He looked pale and tense … and worried.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, moving to sit on his couch. He let out a rushed breath before sitting down opposite me, resting his hands on his knees.

"How do you think?" he shook his head as soon as those impatient words left his mouth. "Sorry," he muttered.

"It's okay," I said lightly. "If it helps something must be happening – Woolsey, Rodney and Ronon are in talking to John right now."

"They kicked you out?" Lorne looked up at me.

"Yeah, so either it's something they want John to do they know I'll protest against, or its one of those confidentiality things I'm not allowed to be in on."

"Makes sense."

Evan had been sitting so still, his hands almost clenched over his knees, that it took a few moments for me to realise that something had changed.

"Evan?" I queried, realising he was distracted enough he'd forgotten I was there.

He lifted his eyes to mine, holding his hands up in front of his face. They were covered in clear liquid, gel like and thick enough that none fell away as he held them out. "What the hell?" he blinked, his hands beginning to tremble.

"Oh God," I swallowed hard, the implications immediate. Whatever was happening to Jennifer had begun to happen to Evan too. "I'll go get Carson," I jumped up, hesitated, touched my hand to Evans shoulder bracingly. "Don't worry – we're going to fix this. Just … don't move, okay. I'll be right back."

Rushing from the room I ran for the infirmary, almost crashing into Carson as I skidded to a stop.

"Sabina," he grabbed my shoulders to steady me. "What is it lass?"

"It's Major Lorne," I said, "I think it's started to happen to him too," I explained what I'd seen in Evan's quarters.

"Let's go check on the Major now," Carson suggested.

I nodded, waiting for Carson to gather his gear and then following him back the way I'd come. Lorne was sitting exactly as I'd left him, seemingly distracted by the condition of his hands.

"Major Lorne," Carson said briskly.

Evan blinked suddenly and then seemed to come back to himself. "Doc," he greeted the other man. "You ever seen anything like this before?" He waved his hands meaningfully.

"Unfortunately, yes I have Major," Carson replied. He was silent as he scanned Evan, his expression serious once he was done. 'It's the same as Doctor Keller, although at a much earlier stage. We need to get you into isolation Major. Can you walk?"

"Sure, of course," Evan stood, seeming as steady on his feet as usual. I went with them back to the infirmary section, waiting while Evan was settled into his isolated room.

"I'll come back and visit you soon," I promised when Carson insisted Evan needed to get some rest.

"You better," he replied, glancing around the too large room with a grim expression.

"You're going to be fine," I insisted, making my voice full of confidence as I said goodbye.

"Does it need to be that dark?" I asked as soon as I was back with Carson.

"They've cut all but emergency power to limit the pathogen's ability to draw energy for more growth," Carson explained.

"So that means we have to leave Evan and Jennifer all alone?" I frowned, not liking that at all. Evan was scared and that wasn't like him at all. The last thing he needed was to be left in the darkness with no one for company.

"The pathogen is unpredictable," Carson said sadly. "Those tendrils are lethal – it attacked Radek and would have dragged him away if Teyla hadn't stopped it. It's just too unpredictable for us to risk anyone else being inside those rooms."

"Okay, I understand that," I allowed, grim as it made everything sound. "I left Evan with his earpiece though. I thought I could talk to him – at the very least let him know when we're trying something to fix this. That's okay, right?"

"I can't see the harm in it lass," Carson agreed.

"It's open to one of the common channels," I said, "so anyone can update the Major. I just … he was scared Carson. That's not like him at all."

"I know lass," Carson patted my hand. "It's the pathogen. We think if affects the behaviour of those infected. You need to be on the lookout for behavioural changes in the Colonel as well."

"I haven't noticed anything different so far," I said, hoping that was a good sign.

"That's fine lass – you let me know as soon as you do, all right?" Carson paused. "You best get back to your quarters love – I know John has something to talk to you about."

I wasted no time going back to our room after that. "It's happening to Lorne too," I said as soon as I walked in the door and saw John stretched out on the bed.

"Damn it," John ground out, impatient, listening as I filled him in on where Evan was at.

"What did Mr Woolsey want?" I asked when I was done, looking for some kind of read on John's mood. He looked grim and I just knew he'd volunteered for something I wasn't going to like.

"Colonel," Carson's voice interrupted us. "I'm ready to proceed."

"No problem Doc," John said casually. "I'll be right there."

"Proceed with what?" I demanded.

"Carson has a treatment for the pathogen," John explained, getting up and moving towards me, his expression too serious. "They think if they can take out the connection to Jennifer they'll render the entire thing inert."

"And?" I pressed, knowing there was more to it.

"And they need to test it on someone who has the pathogen," John said simply.

"And you volunteered," I concluded, turning away. Why did he always do that? And why this time just like every other time? Things were different now. I thought John understood that. "How bad is it going to be?"

"I don't know," John admitted. He took my shoulders in hand and turned me to face him. "Listen, I know you're not happy about this but you need to think about the big picture here."

"I am," I shot back, glaring at him. "Are you? Because it seems like nothing's changed John, and it has to because it's not just me anymore. You can't throw yourself into danger like you're used to."

"I _know_ that," John shook me lightly. "Damn it Sabina, I've always known that. The baby is important sure, but no more important to me than you. It's been a long time since I've jumped in blindly without thinking about the impact it'll have. You're my family - have been for a while now. Having a child doesn't change that for me."

His words moved me to tears. They swam in my eyes as I watched him gather his control before he continued. "The big picture is that I already have this pathogen inside me. Carson has a treatment to get rid of it – _before_ what's happening to Jennifer and now Lorne too starts happening to me. Don't you think it's worth the risk?"

I listened to what he said, and what he didn't – that he'd gone down the road of being transformed into something against his will before and how much he didn't want to go there again. He was right, if Carson had a potential cure then it was worth the risk for John to be the first to try it. "Okay, but I'm going to be there with you this time," I said.

John hesitated but then he nodded. "Let's get this done then."

Although I was firm that it was my right as John's wife to stand beside him while he went through Carson's treatment, as I watched Ronon and Doctor Becket strapping John into restraints I had to wonder whether I had the strength to witness what was going to happen next.

"How bad is this going to be?" I asked Carson worriedly.

"I'm sorry lass," Carson replied, looking from me to John. "I'm expecting a severe reaction. The phage comes from Michael, Colonel. There's a chance it could kill you."

"Kill him?" I swallowed, the nerves bubbling up in my stomach as I clutched John's hand without really thinking about it. "John?" I wasn't sure what I was asking for - for him to change his mind maybe?

John glared at Carson impatiently. "Just … give me the shot," he ordered, obviously annoyed at Carson for scaring me. He winced as Carson activated the shot to his neck.

"Now, it should take a few minutes to kick in, so just try to relax," Carson advised.

"Relax?" I mouthed to John incredulously. Like that was going to happen!

"Okay, I'll just relax then," John told Carson sarcastically.

"This is insane," I muttered, still clutching John's hand. I couldn't help but watch him intently, looking for some sign that the drug had kicked in.

Carson was right – it took a few minutes before John grimaced, his body jerking once and then again. His teeth clenched and his whole body tensed, both arms and legs clutching against the restraints.

"I think these restraints were a good idea," he ground out, the convulsions becoming stronger.

"John," I moaned, helplessness washing over me in icy waves as I watched the man I loved shake and jerk, tugging forcefully against the leather straps holding him to the bed.

"It's working," Carson commented, monitoring John's readings on the monitors.

It went on and on and on – John was in so much agony he couldn't talk anymore. I wasn't sure he was even aware of what was going on around him but I kept a hold of his hand anyway, determined to anchor him somehow to me.

"He'll be okay," Ronon stood behind me, his hand on my shoulder steadying me. It must have been hard for he and Rodney to watch what John was going through too, Ronon's reassurance as much for them as it was for me. It didn't matter in any case – his steady presence lent me strength, because I didn't want to break down in front of John's team and because their opinion was important to me. I _needed_ to be strong in front of them.

"For God's sake, Carson, how long is this gonna go on for?" Rodney demanded impatiently.

"I'm sorry Rodney. I have no idea," Carson admitted.

I'd been clinging to the steady sound of John's heart beat echoing from the monitors. That beat picked up in pace before it stopped abruptly, the ominous sound of a flat line filling the room.

"Carson!" I shouted urgently, jumping up and touching John's face frantically. "John, don't do this!" I cried, the urge to shake him until he woke up overwhelming.

"Sabina," Ronon gently but firmly moved me out of the way as Carson and his staff sprang into action. Seconds seemed like hours as Marie pushed air into John's lungs while Carson counted off chest compressions. The monitor stuttered and then the sound of a steady heartbeat returned. I slumped back weakly against Ronon, counting on him to hold me up. "Oh, thank God," I whispered, my eyes locked on John, looking for some sign that he was with us.

He took a deep breath and turned his head weakly, his eyes slitting open to meet mine. "Hey," he said weakly before shifting his attention to Carson. "How'd I do?"

Carson let out a sigh of relief, patting John's shoulder. "You did fine lad," he said approvingly. "We'll take another wee sample of yer blood and see if the pathogen has been neutralised."

"Okay," John agreed, relaxing back into the mattress.

"How do you really feel?" I asked quietly, sitting down beside his bed.

"Like I've just been run over by a Hercules C-130," John admitted. "Maybe you should have stayed back in our quarters." That was his way of saying that he knew it hadn't been easy for me to watch him writhing in agony.

"My place is with you," I said, leaning forward and resting my forehead on his chest.

His hand came up and he buried his fingers in my hair, running the tips lightly over my scalp. "If it killed the pathogen it'll be worth it."

We stayed like that for a few minutes before I felt John's breathing slow and deepen – he'd fallen asleep.


	6. Permission granted Mrs Sheppard

**Chapter 6: "Permission granted Mrs Sheppard."**

John was still sleeping when Carson returned with the results of the blood tests. "It's gone," he told me as he continued through the infirmary to talk to Mr Woolsey, Ronon and Rodney going with him. I stuck by John until Rodney returned.

"What's going on?" I asked him, getting up to see what he was doing with his laptop.

"Ronon's going in to give Jennifer the treatment," Rodney revealed, his fingers moving quickly as he powered up his computer. "I'm tapping into communications so we can hear what's going on," he added, holding up an earpiece when I looked at him curiously.

We listened as Ronon reported that there was much more of the Wraith hive ship growth than we'd anticipated.

"What happened?" John's voice, strong again, drew our attention to him.

"It worked," Rodney revealed. "They just sent Ronon to give her the shot."

John got off the bed quickly. "When?"

"He just got there. Look, I'm tapped into the comm," Rodney held up the earpiece and John took it quickly.

Moments later we all heard as things went from bad to worse. Ronon was in trouble and I knew John wasn't going to stand around and wait for someone else to save his friend. When he grabbed the syringe Carson had used on him and loaded in another shot of the phage I grabbed his arm.

"What are you doing?" I demanded.

"You and I both know this is about to go very, very wrong," John said grimly.

"What are you going to do?" I held him back when he tried to pull away.

"Take the direct route," John returned. He pried my hand off his arm, squeezed it firmly before letting go. "I'll be fine," he insisted, touching a hand to my cheek before dashing away.

I watched him go, that same sick feeling settling in my stomach.

"This is bad," Rodney muttered.

He was right – it was bad, and suddenly I knew I couldn't let John go in alone. Jumping up I ran out of the infirmary without a word, leaving Rodney behind protesting ineffectually to an empty room.

Knowing what John intended I bypassed the control room and ran straight for the Jumper Bay. John had a head start on me and he obviously hadn't paused long to offer explanations – I ran fast but I was too late, just in time to watch the bottom of his Jumper disappearing out of the roof opening.

Moving to the nearest Jumper I ran inside, powering it up so that I could listen in to the comms. "That stuff is growing all over the place," John reported. "This may hurt."

I knew what was coming – I braced and even though I shouldn't have been able to I felt the city shake as John's ship hit the wall close to the isolation rooms and powered through. "Damn it," I slapped a hand to the console in frustration. "If you make it through this John Sheppard I am so gonna kick your arse!" I shouted.

Of course John didn't report in, despite Woolsey's repeated attempts to make contact. That didn't worry me any more than I already was – in the heat of the moment, stopping to tell someone what you were doing wasn't as easy as it sounded.

"Colonel Sheppard, what's your status?" Woolsey asked for the third time.

There was a pause and then John's voice came through. "I've been better."

I was relieved but hearing the pain in his voice, I knew he'd paid a price for his reckless actions.

"You'd better come get us," John added weakly.

"Mr Woolsey, this is Sabina Sheppard," I radioed the control room quickly. "I'm already in position in Jumper 2 – I can get there long before anyone we can send on foot. Request permission to go and retrieve our people."

"Colonel Sheppard, is the threat eliminated?" Woolsey asked.

"Yeah," John ground out.

"Permission granted Mrs Sheppard," Woolsey told me briskly.

"Thank you," I took the Jumper to full power and flew her up the shaft and out into the sky. John had made a significant hole in the side of the tower – all around it still clung the tendrils of the Wraith hive ship. As I flew closer some fell away, taking more of the surrounding structure with them. I had plenty of room to take the same path John had without damaging another Jumper.

Landing in the darkened room, I rushed to the rear and slammed my palm to the controls. As soon as there was enough room for me to get out I ducked through and ran forward. There was light enough from the opening to the outside for me to quickly assess the situation. Jennifer was still stretched out on the isolation room bed, her entire body covered with wraith junk. The walls and floors were covered too, the entire room looking like something out of the worse Wraith nightmare I'd ever had. It was disgusting but it was also immediately clear that the Wraith pathogen was dead. John was on his knees beside Doctor Keller's bed, his hands clutching the tendril sticking out of his abdomen.

"John!" I rushed to his side, dropping down beside him. "How bad is it?" I looked at the wound, the tendril hardened like a wooden spike inside him.

"I'll live," he tried to joke, groaning when his attempt to chuckle ramped up his pain.

"Don't," I shot back, touching a hand to his neck and feeling the way his pulse was hammering. "You're lucky you're too injured for me to be mad at you!" I didn't give him a chance to respond. "Doctor Beckett, I'm here with John," I reported in.

"How is he lass?" Carson asked.

"Puncture wound to the left side – all the way through," I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "One of those tendril things – it's still inside him."

"Leave it there if you can love," Carson advised. "See if you can sever the tendril close to the wound so that you can get the Colonel to the infirmary without additional trauma to the area."

"Okay," I nodded, turning back to John and assessing what I needed to do. John had his customary knife tucked into its holder at the back of his waist. "I just need to …," I trailed off, grabbing the knife and quickly slicing through the tendril a couple of inches from his back. John almost growled as he teetered to one side before I grabbed him, quickly righting him. "Hang on," I told him urgently as I radioed Carson again. "Done," I said.

"Get the Colonel to the jumper and then check on Doctor Keller's condition," Carson requested.

John helped as much as he could as we got to our feet and walked slowly to the jumper. "Stay there," I ordered once I had him lying down on one of the benches.

"Couldn't go anywhere even if I wanted to," he murmured, closing his eyes weakly.

Running back out the jumper I hurried over to Jennifer. Feeling her pulse I found it strong and steady. "Jennifer seems okay," I told Carson. "She's still unconscious though but I think I can cut the stuff at the base and just lift most of it away."

"Do it," Carson said confidently.

It didn't take long – the wraith hive material was completely inert and relatively easy to cut. I moved down both sides of Jennifer's bed, carefully lifting and slicing further tendrils as I went until I'd uncovered her completely. She woke just as I finished.

"Sabina?" Jennifer looked around her in confusion. "What happened?"

"That's a long and very interesting story Doctor," I said, "and I'll tell you all about it once I have everyone back in the infirmary."

"Everyone?" Jennifer shifted as I helped her sit up.

"John's in the back of the Jumper," I told her. 'If you're feeling up to it you could take a look at him while I go and get Ronon."

"Oh … okay," Jennifer was a little unsteady but she made it to the Jumper with only a little help from me. I left her examining John's wound, the activity seeming to bring her back to full focus much faster than anything I could have said to her.

I ran down the corridor, spotting Ronon on the floor not that far from Jennifer's room – he'd almost made it. Tendrils were wrapped around his throat but he was still breathing. When I dropped down beside him, the relief bringing a smile to my face, he opened his eyes.

He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. When he swallowed dryly I could see the pain flash over his face.

"Don't try to talk," I told him, putting a hand to his shoulder as I carefully removed the tendrils from him. "Your throat looks pretty bruised. Can you get up?"

Ronon nodded, slowly gaining his feet beside me. When he raised a brow, looking at me determinedly I knew he was asking what happened.

"When we lost contact with you John decided on the direct approach," I told him, urging him to walk with me. "As you can see, he made his own entrance," I nodded towards the gaping hole in the wall."

Ronon grinned, no doubt proud of the destruction John had wrought. I shook my head. Men!

"Infirmary time," I announced, walking into the rear of the Jumper with Ronon beside me. He took a seat beside Jennifer, nodding before his eyes took in John's condition.

"Nice to see you buddy," John said weakly, attempting a smile.

"He can't talk," I told John, taking the pilot seat as I radioed Carson again. "I've got everyone on board Doctor," I reported.

"Good girl," Carson congratulated me. "We're ready for you lass."

"I'm on my way."

* * *

Later, while John was undergoing surgery with Carson acting as doctor, I headed for the other isolation room. Lorne was still there, waiting for Doctor Amanda Cole to administer the phage treatment. He was even paler than before, making the red trace of veins tracking over his neck and arms all the more obvious. I didn't want to ask if his condition had progressed to the stage of tendrils growing from his body – it was bad enough seeing him so weakened.

"Hey," I greeted him, nodding to Doctor Cole as I moved to stand beside my team leader. "You ready for this?"

"How bad is it gonna get?" Evan asked, eyeing the syringe Amanda was preparing with a wary expression.

"Do you want a vague answer or the truth?" I asked, helping the attendant secure the restraints around Lorne's wrists and ankles.

"The truth," Lorne said immediately, testing the strength of each restraint with a quick tug. That was Evan Lorne, honest in all matters, never one to step back and make anything easy on himself.

"I can't say from personal experience, but when John did this it looked like agony," I said bluntly. "Took a few minutes to kick in but when it did it was pretty intense. It took more than a few minutes to work through too, but if you're lucky you won't flat-line like John did."

"Right," Lorne said blandly. "I'm glad I asked."

"Are you ready Major?" Doctor Cole asked.

"Do it," Evan said flatly.

He too winced when the injector pushed the drug into his system. The waiting for something to happen seemed endless, but just like with John when the effects hit they were extreme. Evan clenched his fists tightly, groaning with clenched teeth as he rode out the pain. All I could do was help the attendant hold down his shoulders as best we could – that and stick around so he had someone who was there for him.

Eventually the convulsions lessened and then stopped, thankfully without the need to resuscitate him.

"Major," Doctor Cole examined Evan competently, shining a light into his eyes. "Are you with us?"

"I'm here – just," he said weakly. "That was … interesting."

"We'll run some tests but given the results from the others I'd say you're pathogen clear," Cole announced, taking a test kit out and drawing the samples she needed.

"Thanks Doctor," Evan said gratefully.

"Get some rest Major," Cole advised. "We'll have you back in your quarters as soon as the test results come in."

She moved away, leaving me to talk to Evan before I left him to sleep it off.

"Thanks for sticking around," Evan told me quietly.

"You'd do the same for me," I said lightly. "It wasn't fun to watch but after sitting through the same thing with John it wasn't so bad. I knew you'd be okay."

"Still … I'm glad you were here," Evan returned.

"You're welcome," I patted his shoulder fondly.

"How's the Colonel?" Evan asked. He was obviously tired but just as obviously wasn't ready for me to leave just yet.

"Still in surgery," I replied. "It's gonna take a few weeks for him to get back to full strength."

"I bet that's not gonna sit well," Evan commented.

"After he just finished recovering from the last puncture wound, not so much," I agreed. Sighing, I shook my head. "I was hoping that the whole expectant father thing would mellow his hero complex."

"I don't know why you thought that," Evan gave a weak chuckle, wincing when his stomach muscles protested. "If falling for you didn't do it, I'd say nothing will."

"Still …," I trailed off, shrugging. "You're right – he wouldn't be John Sheppard if he changed that much."

Evan nodded, his eyes dropping as he let out a large yawn. "Everyone else infected take the treatment?" he widened his eyes, struggling to stay awake.

"Yeah," I laughed. "Rodney was so nervous he almost hyperventilated. When Carson offered to sedate him first he jumped at the chance. I heard they replicated the phage back at the SGC for Colonel Carter, using Carson's instructions. She's fine."

"That's good," Evan slurred, his eyes drifting closed again.

"You might as well stop fighting it – you're tired," I noted. "I'll leave you to get that rest before Doctor Cole kicks me out."

"'kay," Evan was already half asleep as I patted his shoulder again and then quietly left.

Back in the infirmary John was out of surgery and sitting up in bed. "There you are," he said as soon as he caught sight of me.

"Sorry," I wanted to be there when he woke up but things with Evan took longer than I'd expected.

"How's Lorne doing?" John asked.

"Okay now," I reported. "The pathogen had already started to take over but he seemed to handle the phage okay. It took a little longer but it wasn't as dramatic as your treatment. None of the others were – Carson doesn't know why that is."

"I'm sorry you had to go in there and rescue me," John took my hand, pulling me down to sit at the side of his bed.

"No comments about me being the one to fly in there?" I asked in surprise.

"With Lorne and Carson both out of action as pilots you were the best choice to control a Jumper through that hole," John said simply.

He was right – no real pilot skills had been needed, just a strong enough ATA gene to make it through a tight space without losing it. Still, it was gratifying to finally get to the stage where it was about who was the best person for the job and not his overwhelming need to keep me safe. We really had come a long way!

"Carson is heading back to Earth this afternoon," John told me. "If you want to have a word with him you'll have to get to it quickly."

"Thanks," I stood, leaning down to kiss him lightly. "You'll be okay here?"

"For now," he smiled. "As long as you come back and keep me company later."

"Never in doubt," I said, kissing him again before taking my leave.

* * *

Carson was packing his things in the space he'd taken over in the infirmary when I found him. "Need any help?" I asked.

"I'll be right love," he said easily. "There's not much for me to pack."

"I wish you could stay," I said with a sigh.

"Aye, me too," Carson agreed. "Still, they'll get me back up to speed in no time. Once I'm right as rain they may let me come back here. Not much call for an expert in Wraith retroviruses back on Earth, is there?"

"Good point," I felt better at the thought. He was just going back for treatment and to make sure they'd repaired as much of the damage done by Michael's cloning process as possible.

"Now you look after yourself and that baby lass, you hear," Carson said firmly. "None of that reckless behaviour you've become known for."

"I think John's the one known for heroics," I pointed out sagely. "There was nothing reckless about what I did today."

"I suppose not," Carson allowed. "Jennifer is almost back to her usual self. Follow her instructions – let her look after you and I'm sure it's all go smoothly."

"I hope so," I tried to be confident but pregnancy was the big unknown to me. The only personal experience I had to go on was the picture of my alternate self. That sweaty, pale, tired woman who'd obviously worked hard to bring her son into the world. I wasn't sure I had as much strength in me but time would tell. "Take it easy back on Earth Carson. You need to be back here before the birth to back Doctor Keller up, okay?" Somewhere in the past day I'd forgotten to worry about how to treat this cloned version of Carson and settled into treating him like a valued friend he was.

"I'll do me best love," Carson promised. "Now give us a hug before you go on back to your man."

Laughing, I did as he requested, hugging him tight before I reluctantly let him go. "Before the birth," I reiterated firmly.

"Yes Ma'am."

As I made my way back to quarters I couldn't help but reflect on the last few days. We had Carson back only to lose him to Earth. We'd almost lost Doctor Keller as well and paid the price in an injured Ronon and John to get her back. The city had a new leader too, one who'd been a lot more flexible in how he's allowed the situation to play out than I would have expected.

As I wandered into our room and flopped down onto the bed I realised something else. I didn't feel sick anymore. Surely that had to be the shortest case of morning sickness in pregnancy history. Not that I was looking a gift horse in the mouth. As the counter ticked over on twelve weeks of pregnancy I was happy to see the end of that uncertain first trimester. We were over the first hurdle and in to the second – telling people our news. I should be looking forward to it but I was nervous as well – once the secret was out it would be the end of being treated as I'd always been, and the beginning of becoming that different person, the one who would become the mother of a person completely dependent on her. I wasn't sure how I would handle that either but I was looking forward to the challenge.


	7. No time like the present

**Chapter 7: "No time like the present."**

The Daedalus was due in to the city for the regular resupply a couple of weeks after John's surgery and arrived without incident. The city felt busier during the weeks the crew spent on Atlantis, the mood picking up because it brought with it news from Earth that couldn't be transferred during the regular check-in. That and an influx of mess hall favourites we'd been doing without for a couple of weeks. The good stuff never lasted between Daedalus visits.

John had pushed himself hard to recover enough to return to full duty before Colonel Caldwell arrived. Since that time we never spoke of, when John had been turning Wraith and Caldwell had command of the city, John always seemed more focussed on all of his duties around Daedalus arrival time. It was a subconscious thing though because Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard never felt the need to prove anything to anyone, not in a way that it would alter his behaviour.

While he'd been recovering I'd returned to active duty at the same time Major Lorne was cleared. His leg was completely healed and rehabbed, and he'd recovered from the wraith hive ship pathogen. Our first off world mission back was routine – a simple meet and renew trade terms visit to a friendly planet we'd been going to since the expedition first arrived in the Pegasus galaxy. I think it was a relief to everyone to have some normality returned – John seemed uncomfortable in some respects but he'd been the one to come to me and tell me it was time for me to get back out there. Something about a song on the radio and how he had to let me fly because I was born for that. I'd smiled at his roundabout explanation and gratefully agreed to the terms he set. No rescue missions and no full-on combat missions. He'd already chosen a replacement for me when I had to sit those ones out, an officer he was priming to eventually lead a team of his own. Now, if John could stay fit and wound free for more than a week we could all go completely back to normal!

"I was thinking," John took my hand as we say across from each other in the mess hall one evening.

"About anything in particular?" I asked when he didn't continue.

"Yeah," he ran a thumb across my skin, and gave me a soft kind of smile rarely seen on his face. "About the baby … and about telling everyone."

"Oh," I blinked, tilting my head as I regarded my husband. "You think it's time for a general announcement?"

"Don't you?" he reflected the question back to me.

"Well," I drew the word out slowly. "Fourteen weeks _is_ a good time to tell people. You should tell your team first though." I'd urged him previously, about the time he made me tell Evan, to tell Teyla and the others but he'd said it wasn't necessary, that he wanted to do it when I was ready too. It wasn't that I expected something to go wrong – we had the benefit of a future John had already glimpsed and even though it wasn't a given that it would go the same way again, the confidence it loaned me was strong. I guess I wanted to play it safe – do nothing to tempt the fates to change things – and part of that was waiting until we'd passed the first danger point before announcing the pregnancy. I never realised I could be superstitious before and wondered how bad I'd get before the baby arrived.

"Really?" John smiled, raising my hand to his lips and pressing a fond kiss to it. I smiled, my heart turning over at the romantic gesture.

"Go for it," I spied Rodney and Ronon heading our way, and nodded towards them. "No time like the present."

"Right," John straightened, leaning forward expectantly.

"What's wrong with you?" Rodney peered at John suspiciously as he dropped into the seat beside me, Ronon settling in beside him.

"Nothing," John said innocently. "I just had something I wanted to tell you."

"What is it?" Rodney grimaced. "Oh, don't tell me – Cadman is transferring permanently, because you know how she deliberately tries to get to me!"

"Rodney," John broke in, "it's not about Cadman."

"Then what?" Rodney looked from John to me and back again. "You're leaving, aren't you?" He looked sick at the prospect.

"Of course not!" John returned impatiently. "If you'll shut up for a second I could get a word in!"

"Fine," Rodney pressed his lips together, like a kid who'd just made the zipping motion for no speech.

"Okay," John looked stumped for a moment, the wind taken out of his sails.

"Go on then," I raised a brow expectantly.

"Sabina's pregnant," John went for blunt announcement with no lead in. "Baby's due in August."

"Really?" Rodney looked stunned. "That's ah … that's great!"

"Congratulations," Ronon stood, not shy of anyone who might be watching around the Mess, grabbing John into one of those lift him off the ground manly hugs.

"All right big guy," John grunted, laughing. Ronon set him back down and turned to me. "Gently," John couldn't help but warn just as Ronon put his arms around me.

"I got it," Ronon said, squeezing me gently but still managing to lift my feet off the ground too. "So, got any plans for names yet?"

"Wait right there mister," Rodney jumped in. "Don't think you can get the jump on me!" He hugged me awkwardly and with a fair degree of distraction as he asked "you haven't, have you? Decided on names I mean?"

"Of course not," I laughed, patting him on the back reassuringly before he let me go. "We haven't even talked about it yet!"

"Oh, ah .. that's um, that's good," Rodney stumbled as we all settled back in our chairs. "Because you know, strictly speaking it should be my turn, if anyone's going to be named after someone."

"How do you figure that?" John asked curiously.

"Well, you and Sabina got Torren, and I've been here longer than Ronon, so … my turn," he explained earnestly.

"In your dreams McKay," Ronon said in a low tone just to add fuel to Rodney's fire, nodding to someone approaching behind us.

I turned and saw Evan stopping behind my shoulder. His brow rose and I shrugged, inviting him to make what he would of the conversation.

"Sabina's pregnant," Rodney seemed determined to be the first to claim the new knowledge. Boy, was he in for disappointment!

"I know," Evan said blandly, somehow communicating with his posture and tone and his expression that he'd known for ages. I laughed, catching the way his lips wanted to turn up in amusement as he joined us.

"Right – you know," Rodney looked disgruntled. "Of course he does … and I suppose he's at the top of your list for names too, huh?"

"I told you Rodney, we haven't talked about it yet," I said firmly. "Now, be happy for us and stop worrying about all that, okay?"

"Fine," Rodney switched tracks quickly. "Does anyone else know? Because you know I'd be happy to spread the word."

I exchanged a glance with John and shrugged. I didn't mind how the news got around as long as I didn't have to tell everyone personally.

"Give me a chance to talk to Teyla and for Sabina to tell the rest of her team," John told Rodney. "Then you can go for it."

"Really?" Rodney looked pleased, almost rubbing his hands together in anticipation. I didn't know what creative ideas he had for tapping into the city grape vine – it was amusing to see his enthusiasm and he was helping us too.

"I can see Alex and Colin just got here," I nodded to the entrance. "I'll just go fill them in now. Then all we need to do is catch Teyla when she'd not busy trying to settle Torren."

Jumping up I hurried over to the rest of my team, grinning as I got closer. "Hi," I said brightly.

"Ah – hi," Colin looked suspicious as I continued to smile at them. "Okay - what did you do?"

It was the perfect lead in. "Got knocked up," I laughed when they both froze. "Don't worry, it's all planned. The colonel just told his team so I thought it was only fair I tell you."

"Are you … does this mean you won't be going on missions with us anymore?" Alex asked. Since he looked disappointed by that thought I had the overwhelming urge to hug him. Damn hormones again.

"Eventually but not for a while," I replied. "Rescue and combat missions are out but the rest of our schedule is fine. You won't get rid of me that easily."

"Congratulations," Colin finally got his reactions together enough to react appropriately. Alex echoed the same sentiments and we all stood there smiling at each other for a few moments before I roused myself to action.

"I'm heading back to our table. The Major's there so feel free to join us, okay."

They both nodded and I knew they watched me hurry back to John before continuing on to get their dinner. I didn't take it personally that they were shocked – I hadn't been the poster girl for romance and babies and certainly hadn't advertised how much I wanted a child.

"How was it?" John asked when I sat back down beside him.

"Good, fun actually," I smiled. "Should we go find Teyla now?"

"Why not," John smiled at my sudden enthusiasm to share our news. "Excuse us," he told the others.

"No problem Sir," Evan still looked amused. Since he'd been right when he said telling people the first time was special and that I should enjoy it, I decided right there and then to listen when he offered any other gems learned from his experience as an uncle. "Sabina, I'll see you at our mission briefing – 0800 hours. Don't be late."

"You know, for someone who was reluctant to share, you seem to be getting into this announcing thing," John commented as we walked the corridor leading to Teyla's quarters.

"I didn't realise seeing the different reactions would be so entertaining," I offered. "Evan tried to tell me but I guess I didn't really believe him."

"And he knows this kind of thing because?" John queried, glancing down at me.

"Because he's an uncle," I shrugged. "He helped a lot when his sister was pregnant with her first child so I guess he was around when she was telling everyone. It was different when we found out Teyla was expecting Torren because we had the whole missing Athosians thing going on."

"True," John agreed, putting his hand to my back as we turned the corner.

"I feel sad for Teyla now I have personal experience," I admitted. "Instead of enjoying all this anticipation and surprise she was consumed with the search. She only told people when she had no other choice."

"Yeah, well let's not dwell on that," John was still uncomfortable with his reaction to Teyla at the time, even though I still thought he'd been in the right. There were some things you shouldn't keep secret, not from the people who mattered. It had taken me a while to understand that, and to work out who to include, but I was getting there.

We stopped at Teyla's door and John activated the chime.

"John, Sabina," Teyla smiled, her arms full of a sleeping Torren.

"We're not interrupting anything are we?" John asked, leaning in to get a closer glimpse of the baby.

"Not at all," Teyla moved aside. "Please, come in." As she followed us inside she smiled. "It seems that Torren is not happy with sleep unless I'm moving. I was just about to go for a walk around the city."

"We won't keep you long then," John promised. "We've just come from the mess hall and we wanted to get to you before the gossip mill started churning."

"I'm pregnant," I added quickly, before she could wonder what gossip had to do with her.

"That is wonderful news Sabina, John," Teyla leaned away from Torren and touched her cheek to mine, repeating the same gesture with John. "When is the baby due?"

"In about 6 months," I revealed. "I'm 14 weeks," I added, watching her expression turn serious.

"You were pregnant on Michael's ship?" she looked troubled.

"Yes, but I didn't know at the time," I said. "Neither of us could have known."

"I stopped us from leaving when we had the chance – before Michael conducted his experiments on you," Teyla reminded me. "If anything happens to this child as a result I must hold myself responsible."

"That's crap," I said bluntly. "Isn't it?" I turned to John for support.

"Big time," John agreed. "And you can stop worrying about the kid because I already know he's gonna be fine. The holographic Rodney from the future told me so."

"It really is fine Teyla," I reassured her. "Doctor Keller ran every test she could think of and I've had a couple of scans already too. Everything is boringly normal."

"Very well," Teyla agreed to let the past on Michael's hive stay in the past. It was a bond we shared but I hoped the bonds of being new mother's so close time wise would create a much more positive bond between us. "I am sure you have many questions Sabina. I would be happy to talk to you about my own experiences."

"I was hoping you'd say that!" I smiled. "I'm definitely going to take you up on that offer."

Torren let out a disgruntled cry, his little body twisting in his mother's arms. "But not tonight," Teyla said with a smile. 'It seems my little man has other plans for his mother."

"We'll walk you out," John offered, swiping the door open for Teyla. We left her at the corner, heading instead for our own quarters.

"That didn't go how I expected," I admitted as we walked inside. I sat on the bed with a frown. "I didn't realise she'd make the connection back to Michael and feel guilty about it. It was hardly her fault we got captured."

"No, but you did stay for her when you could have escaped and she knows it was because she was pregnant as much as anything else," John said seriously. "It's natural the thought would cross her mind that her condition then could adversely affect yours now."

"But it's not going to, right?" I looked at him worriedly. "I mean, those messages from the future were pretty clear, weren't they?"

"Enough that we have nothing to worry about," John promised, sitting beside me and putting his arm around me. "So, how does it feel to be the latest subject of gossip Mrs Sheppard?" he asked me teasingly.

"Not as bad as I thought Mr Sheppard," I teased back. "I wonder how Rodney plans to let the cat out of the bag?"

"Probably a synchronised message to every screen city wide simultaneously so no one can complain they were the last to know," John joked.

"God, I hope not." Maybe giving Rodney free reign hadn't been a good idea after all. "It's only a baby, not the fate of the free world!"

"It's done now so no point in worrying about it," John lay back on the bed, taking me with him. "You want to talk about names?"

"Telling everyone the news was enough pressure for one night," I shot back.

"Then I guess I'll have to find a way to relax you," John leaned over me, trailing his fingers down my cheek.

"I guess you will," I agreed with a smile.

**Author's Note:**

The song and John's reaction alluded to at the beginning of this chapter comes from a one shot I wrote called When You Come Back Down - if you haven't read that one before and you want to, now would be the time :)


	8. I'll take my turn

**Chapter 8: "I'll take my turn."**

The trouble with a base as large as Atlantis was that often you didn't hear the latest news until whatever crisis had hit was well under way. Major Lorne was the one to fill me in when Ronon went missing, and that was only after John's team had already left to go and search for him.

"What happened?" I asked, listening to Evan's calm voice as he filled me in over the radio.

"Tyre," he said bluntly. "He ambushed Teyla and Ronon when they were on their way back to the gate. Stunned both of them. When Teyla came to there was no sign of Ronon or his Satedan friend. She decided to come back and report in rather than continue the search on her own."

I knew that Teyla had gone off world earlier that morning to visit some friends and trade for a few things she wanted for Torren and Kanaan. Ronon had insisted on going with her even though she'd assured him she didn't need an escort.

"How did Tyre know they were going to be on that planet?" It didn't make any sense – it wasn't like we advertised our off world schedule ahead of time.

"No idea," Evan replied. "More than likely he's got contacts on a few worlds and put out the word to let him know if Ronon turned up. They were on that planet for a few hours – plenty of time for Tyre to get there and set up his trap."

"So, what now?"

"The Colonel's gone back there to see if they can work out where Tyre took Ronon."

"And if they can't?" I asked worriedly.

"We'll send the Daedalus – get them to scan for his transmitter," the Major was matter of fact about the procedure and somehow that was reassuring. We weren't without resources – we'd find Ronon.

"Well … I'm glad you filled me in," I began, "but I have to wonder why this time? Usually you don't even think about what I'd want to know until everything is done and dusted."

"The Colonel's likely to want backup once we get a fix on where Tyre has Ronon," Evan told me.

There was a pause and then abruptly I got it. He was talking about a rescue mission, the first one since I'd given him the power to ground me.

"So you're giving me advance warning that when they call for team Lorne I shouldn't bother getting my gear on?"

"Yeah, I guess that's what I'm doing," Evan admitted.

"It's okay," I said quietly. "Of course I want to help Ronon but I meant it when I gave you the final say on what missions I can go on. You know why that is."

"You don't want anyone taking chances to protect you," he replied, "like you did with Teyla," he couldn't help but add.

"You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"

"Probably not," I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Thanks Evan," I said earnestly, thanking John silently again for choosing Evan's team when I'd first pushed to be a part of our off world efforts. "You're a good man, you know that, right?"

"Okay, enough of that," Evan protested. "And don't even think about commenting on my love life."

"Oh, you have one of those?" I teased.

"I'm going now," Evan shot back. "I'll let you know if the team gets called up."

"Okay," I laughed as I touched my earpiece to close off the channel. He'd been joking but really, Evan Lorne was too nice to be spending his life alone. I just had to keep my eyes open for someone worthy of him.

* * *

Deep down I must have been expecting John to return with Ronon in toe, because I wasn't that worried. Ronon was tough and he'd beaten Tyre before. If the stakes were balanced, I had no doubt that Ronon would come out on top.

Instead, team Sheppard returned empty handed and the Daedalus was despatched, leaving us to settle in for the hours long wait for news.

"Why would Tyre do this?" I asked John that night in our quarters. He was tense – and trying not to show how worried he was.

"He's a Wraith worshipper," John grimaced. "Who the hell knows why they do anything."

"Poor Ronon," I sighed, shaking my head. "After last time this is going to tough for him."

"He'll be fine," John insisted.

_Would he?_ I thought. It was the eternal question that had hovered at the back of my mind since I'd come to Atlantis and fallen for a scruffy haired Major. Just how much could these men take before it was too much? Ronon had survived for seven years believing Sateda would be there for him when he was free, only to find his home world destroyed and all his people long gone. If that wasn't bad enough he'd thought his friends found and returned to him only to be betrayed and forced to fight to the death. Now, his remaining childhood friend had betrayed him again. Ronon was strong but it was _so_ much for him to deal with and the concern sat heavy in my heart.

The following morning the Daedalus returned and the news wasn't good. There was no sign of Ronon, prompting a meeting with John's team and Woolsey that resulted in their rapid exit from the city. I had to wait until we'd both signed off duty to find out why.

"Teyla knows another Satedan, Solen Sincha," John explained once we'd sat down for dinner. "He's the guy they met on Belkan a couple of years back. We got him to agree to let us know if he hears anything about Ronon through his contacts."

I nodded, wondering how long we'd have to wait.

"Listen, have you spoken to Teyla about her returning to my team?" John asked.

"No," I frowned. "Why?"

"I don't know why I just assumed she'd come back once Torren was old enough," John explained, "but that's not going to be the case. She said she hadn't made a decision yet."

"It's understandable John," I said gently. "Her priorities have to be different now – she's responsible for another human being, _personally_ responsible, not like it was when she was leader of the Athosians."

"Yes, and I understand that," John insisted. "I just don't see her settling into motherhood as a full time job."

It didn't seem like the Teyla we both knew for her to be content with a life lived entirely within the city and within her role as Torren's mother. "Just give her time," I urged. "It's early days for us but I can already see that there's a world of difference between what you think you'll do in this kind of situation and what you feel ready to do once you're confronted with it for real."

"Maybe you should talk to Teyla," John suggested.

"I don't want to intrude," I shook my head. "And what do I really know? I've already made assumptions about 'when I return to Lorne's team'," I air quoted the last part, "but that's all they are – assumptions. Without any personal experience of course you're going to think about life being what it was before a baby comes along. I think we need to be there ourselves before we can really understand Teyla's dilemma."

"Right, so I'll just wait for her to make up her mind then," John didn't seem happy with the prospect.

"Has Mr Woolsey talked to you about your team?" I queried.

"Only to suggest, more than once, that I choose someone to replace Teyla, on a temporary basis," John admitted. "He always adds 'for now' – makes it sound like he thinks it's going to be permanent. I've been putting him off but I don't know how long that's gonna fly."

Woolsey was still an unknown proposition as a leader – John was still working out the boundaries and the grey areas, basically what he could get away with.

"I'm sure Teyla will decide soon." There wasn't much else I could say. John didn't like waiting around and he didn't like things being outside his control and right then he was dealing with both.

"Lorne talk to you today?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah," I smiled. "It was kind of sweet– I think he was worried about my feelings being hurt when he left me behind. It's strange."

"What is?"

"Well, it was Ronon going missing before that set me on the path to proving to you and Evan that I deserved that place on his team," I reminded John. "I guess I'm not the only one remembering how badly I reacted to being left out then."

"It's different this time though, right?" John pointed out, something hopeful in his tone. Maybe he was remembering too how humiliated I'd felt that day and how hard I'd fought to make sure it never happened again.

"Very much so," I smiled. "Of course I wish there was something I could do to help find Ronon – I guess I'll have to get used to waiting back here and worrying." I shot him a teasing look. "It's not like I haven't had plenty of practice with that!"

"_Nice_," John looked put upon but I saw the humour dancing in his eyes.

"I am," I agreed, deliberately taking his words the wrong way.

"Well hopefully this time you won't have to wait for long," John concluded.

"Just how good is this Solen Sincha's network?" I asked curiously.

"No idea, but Teyla seems pretty confident he'll find out where Ronon is sooner rather than later."

We retired early that evening but I don't think either of us slept well. I had a meeting with the rest of the archaeology department to talk about long term off world research plans so I left our quarters while John was still in bed. He'd finally fallen asleep in the wee hours of morning and I didn't have the heart to wake him.

When progress was made it happened quickly. "Sabina, it's John," he radioed me, his voice shifting in that way that said he was moving fast. "We're on our way to Sarif Sur to get Ronon. I'll radio you again when we're back."

"Okay, good luck," I said quickly. "_Be safe,_" I murmured after he'd already closed off the channel.

* * *

"Sabina, it's John – we're back."

"Did you find Ronon?" I asked hopefully.

"No," John said grimly, "but we do have something. Tyre. He's not in good shape. Keller says he's like a drug addict suffering for a fix."

"Does he know where Ronon is?"

"He's too far gone to be coherent," John sounded impatient as he continued. "We're gonna have to wait out the withdrawal before we can question him."

"How long is that going to take?" Ronon had already been gone a couple of days. No one said it but we all knew what was happening to him – the Wraith feeding on him and then giving back stolen life until Ronon became like Tyre, a worshipper instead of an enemy.

"Could be days," John admitted. "Listen, I'm gonna stay here for a while and see what happens."

"Okay, I'll go down to lunch," I wished he could step back enough to let Doctor Keller take care of things but that wasn't John's way.

I'd been in the Mess for half an hour before I saw Rodney walk in, followed closely by Doctor Keller. Waving, I waited until they'd grabbed some food and sat down to eat before I questioned them. "John told me about Tyre," I said. "How's he doing?"

"It'll be a tough withdrawal," Jennifer replied. "To be honest I don't know if he'll make it. There's not much we can do to make it easier either, not without significantly increasing how long the process takes."

"He ambushed Ronon," I said bluntly, reason enough in my mind for the Satedan to suffer the consequences now. "John didn't come down with you?" I changed the subject abruptly.

"He and Teyla were about to have words," Rodney admitted. "Teyla wasn't happy with him because we went to Sarif Sur without her."

"Oh," I grimaced. That wasn't good. Hopefully John would be able to convince Teyla it wasn't an easy decision – I was sure he hadn't thought about leaving her out as anything other than expedience to make sure they got to the planet as quickly as possible. He knew enough already to be able to put himself in Teyla's shoes and I was confidence he'd be able to show her that.

John didn't make it to lunch; when I saw him later he was pretty circumspect about his conversation with Teyla. He was impatient and annoyed because he hadn't made any progress finding Ronon – in that mood there was little room for the understanding John to come through. The best thing for everyone, aside from finding Ronon alive and well of course, was for Teyla to make a quick decision about her role on John's team. He'd be upset if she chose not to return but at least they would both know where they stood.

It took two days for the Wraith enzyme to work its way out of Tyre's system enough for him to be of any use to us. John spent a lot of time on the observation deck above the isolation room, presumably glaring down at the suffering Satedan. This time he stopped by my lab before heading off world.

"Tyre's lucid and he knows where Ronon is," John announced as soon as he walked into the room.

"And?" I knew there was more.

"And I convinced Woolsey to let him lead us there," John admitted.

"Is that wise?"

"Probably not," John stopped, turning to the window and gazing sightlessly outside. "He's just a guy who wasn't in control of his actions. Now he's desperate to make amends. I know what that's like."

"You do," I stood, moving to his side and putting a hand to his back.

He smiled, turning and taking my hand in his. "Lorne's coming along too. We'll be fine."

"I know you will," I said confidently. "When are you going?"

"Now," John touched a hand to my cheek, leaning down to kiss me before he stepped back with a sigh. "See you later Mrs Sheppard."

"I'll look forward to it Mr Sheppard."

* * *

I heard nothing until suddenly John was there, back at my lab.

"John!" I jumped up, moving towards him when he didn't immediately come in. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he shook his head. "We're got Ronon."

"That's great," I hesitated when he shook his head again. "It's not great?"

"The Wraith turned him Sabina," John revealed, his eyes bleak. "It's not pretty."

"I want to see him," I said suddenly. Ronon was as good as a brother to me. He'd stood beside me and leant a strong shoulder to hit out at and cry on more than once, usually when I was at my worst and life around me was the bleakest. I owed it to him to return the favour.

"A big part of me doesn't want you down there," John admitted. "He's … cruel. Not himself. He's gonna hurt you and it'll be worse for him later to know it."

"I don't care," I shot back bluntly. "He shouldn't be alone and judging from how long it took Tyre to get even a little way into recovery, we'll all have to pitch in for shifts. Don't even think about ordering anyone to stop me from contributing."

"Fine," John took a deep breath and let it out slowly, like he was trying to calm himself. "I'll take you down there now so you can see how it is. Maybe that'll change your mind."

It didn't. Seeing Ronon fighting his restraints, weeping one moment and then screaming in agony the next, had me in tears but it didn't weaken my resolve. It wasn't his fault – the Wraith, with its feed and then give it back strategy, had drugged him against his will and no one was going to hold him responsible for the result.

"I'll take my turn," I told Jennifer when she planned a roster for Ronon's care.

"I'll put you down for the early morning shift," she said with a kind smile, thankfully not trying to tell me that someone in my delicate condition shouldn't do it. "We're looking at a few days for the enzyme to make it's way fully through his system. You let me know if it gets too much though, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed, having no intention of doing so.

My first shift was done from the balcony above the isolation room. Ronon was too violent for Doctor Keller to approve anyone but medical staff being in the room with him. He saw me standing above him and his eyes spat fire at me.

"Get lost little girl. I don't want you here."

"Too bad," I replied lightly.

"Hypocrite," he yelled suddenly. "I would have killed Sheppard for you rather than see him suffer and yet you leave me to die slowly like this."

"You're not dying," I tried to be calm but my voice shook and my heart raced. "You just have to hang in there Ronon, please."

"Liar," Ronon growled. "There's no coming back – if you don't free me I'm as good as dead."

"I can't free you," I sniffed back tears, keeping my eyes on his.

"Then kill me," Ronon was so intense as he glared at me. When I didn't respond he began to jerk at his restraints. "Kill me now! Do it! Kill me!"

"NO!" I yelled back, sitting forward and making it clear I was going nowhere. "Yell all you like. You're not leaving and you're not gonna die, so stop it." I swiped at my face impatiently. "Just stop it."

"It hurts," Ronon went from angry to heartbreaking in an instance. He was weeping, in pain or grief, the despair rolling off him in waves even the most oblivious person would have picked up. He groaned every time he tugged at the restraints, twisting and jerking, his whole body rising from the bed as he struggled to break free.

It was heartbreaking to see a strong man broken with no signs that he would ever be whole again.

"Oh God," I muttered, feeling more tears running down my face.

"Hey," John was there before I realised I was no longer alone. He sat down beside me and the next moment I was in his arms, crying harshly.

"He wants to die," I wept, burying my head against John's chest.

"No he doesn't," John denied softly. Running his hand through my hair from top to tip, over and over again, he comforted me. "It's the enzyme talking, not Ronon. With any luck he won't remember the details." John let me cry for a bit longer and then nudged me to get me to look at him. "Go back to our room. I've got this one."

"No," I insisted. "It's just the hormones making me all girly."

"It's not just the hormones Sabina," he said, giving me a pointed look.

"Maybe," I allowed, "but I'm staying anyway. I wouldn't say no if you wanted to stay and keep me company, just for today."

"No problem," John pressed a kiss into my hair, keeping his arm around me as we turned back to continue our vigil over Ronon.

* * *

As with Tyre, the withdrawal was a long, drawn out process. The roster continued each day unchanged, each of us handing over to the next person with a mixture of relief and disappointment. Relief at the respite from watching a good friend brought so low, and disappointment that he hadn't come back to us on our shift.

I realised that watching over Ronon had begun to feel like a routine part of my day as I relieved Lorne for an early morning shift a couple of days later. It made me sad. "How is he?" I glanced behind Evan's shoulder to see for myself. Ronon was still so pale and sweaty. His hair was unkempt and his eyes red rimmed. He looked sick and a long way from recovery.

"Quieter," Evan reported. "Still looks at me like he hates me half the time."

"Only half?" I joked. "That's progress then."

"I guess," Evan chuckled, touching a hand to my shoulder in support before he left me alone with Ronon.

"Hi," I said in a low tone. I always conversed with Ronon like I would have if he's been his usual self. Once the violence of his struggles had diminished we'd been allowed to sit beside his bed. In the beginning he'd been brutal with his words – it had been a shock to hear the abuse that had spewed forth, more words than any of us were used to, and so much unlike Ronon's usual quiet approach. I'd struggled to ignore those harsh words – he'd reduced me to tears I continued to blame on pregnancy hormones but still I'd stuck with it. Our Ronon would return soon; I was sure of it. "You're looking a little better."

Ronon said nothing. Evan was right. He'd gone from too noisy to too quiet with little warning. His physical reactions had muted as well – instead of fighting himself his body shook with tremors, barely there and then picking up strength before subsiding again. He seemed lost in his own world but maybe hearing us talk about what was going on in the city would help to bring him back.

"I had a moment this morning," I offered with a small chuckle. "Pulled my uniform pants on as usual and discovered I couldn't button them. Well, I did eventually, but not without a lot of wriggling and cursing. I mean, who grows out of their pants overnight? John thought it was hilarious." I paused, smiling as I ran the scene in my head again. Strangely it had been a shock to find the visible evidence of pregnancy – I'm sure the expression on my face and the way I'd stubbornly decided those were the only pants I could possibly wear today had contributed to John's amusement. He'd been delighted that finally we had outward evidence of our child's presence. After I'd sat for a moment contemplating my inadequate wardrobe I'd had to agree. I'd looked forward to being pregnant and finally I had something concrete to focus on. "I'll have to start wearing sweat pants soon because I have nothing else to wear," I moaned dramatically. I fell silent again, planning in my head how I was going to rectify that. "I'll probably have to throw myself on Lieutenant Cadman's mercies," I sighed. "I don't think the supplies list covers maternity clothes. Wow, maternity clothes. It sounds so … serious!" I laughed. "If we were back home I'd probably just buy some things over the internet. Shopping was never really my strong suit. Maybe having Laura do it all for me isn't such a bad idea after all."

Continuing to talk – ramble really – I finished up my turn with Ronon and then reluctantly left him to Rodney.

"He's definitely better today," I said.

"That's ah – that's good," Rodney replied.

"You talk to him, right?" I asked suddenly, just as I was at the door.

"Are you kidding?" Rodney pointed from himself to Ronon. "Captive audience."

"Right, what was I thinking?" I grinned, raising a hand to wave goodbye. "Have fun."

* * *

"What's that?" I nodded to the wrapped object John held. It had been just over a week since Ronon had returned to Atlantis and he was finally completely free of the enzyme. In fact he was doing so well they'd transferred him back to the infirmary - withdrawal had taken a lot out of him and he needed time to recover physically ... and mentally. It had been a long, difficult time that had dragged until we all felt we'd lived through months instead of just a week.

"Tyre's sword," John sat on the bed, his eyes on the weapon. "He gave it to me when he took the detonator."

"It was a really brave thing to do," I'd come to see the whole situation differently while watching Ronon's recovery. Tyre had been a victim as much as Ronon was but he hadn't been lucky enough to have people who'd pull him out of the fire and stand by him until he was himself again. Ronon, a man I knew to have supreme control under all circumstances, hadn't been able to beat the Wraith enzyme, nor avoid the withdrawal. If he couldn't do it then Tyre wouldn't have been able to either. He'd been a prisoner of the Wraith and forced to do things against his will, no different to someone taken over by a Gou'ald. We wouldn't hold it against a host for the actions of the Gou'ald, so why should we hold Tyre responsible for what he'd done?

"Yeah, it was," John agreed. "I need to give this to Ronon."

"Is he ready?"

"Who's ever ready for something like that?" John demanded, troubled.

"You're worried reminding him of what happened to Tyre is going to make it harder for Ronon," I concluded. "Set him back after he's done so well?"

"Maybe," John allowed. "It was difficult for him when he just thought Tyre and the others were traitors. Now he has personal experience with the feed and restore thing."

"And he'll wonder if he could have saved them, like we saved him."

"Yeah," John rubbed a hand over his eyes.

"You can't save him from this John," I said gently, sitting down beside him and gathering him close. We both looked down at that sword as I continued. "He has to come to terms with his loss. He had the good fortune to find us but he paid a high price to be here now living the life he's fought hard for. He was alone for seven years and he survived."

John nodded.

"Besides, we _did_ save Tyre. We gave him the chance to make his own choices freely – to go out with honour. If he's anything like the only Satedan we do know, making amends was the most important thing to him."

"You're right," John squeezed my hand before getting resolutely to his feet. "No time like the present."

"I'll be here when you're done," I reminded him.

"Thanks," John smiled before taking the sword to his friend. I'd talk to Ronon eventually but for now his team was the most important thing for him. John probably wouldn't say much but Ronon probably didn't need it – not yet. The rest would come with time.


	9. Stand by

**Chapter 9: "****Stand by."**

"Teyla, good morning," I smiled as I hurried to catch up to the Athosian.

"It is a very good morning," Teyla agreed with a smile. "I was on my way to breakfast if you would like to join me."

"I'd love to, thanks."

We each chose breakfast items before sitting at one of the tables John's team usually chose. "So I hear you're back on the team permanently."

"Yes," Teyla seemed comfortable with her decision. "It was difficult but in the end Kanaan and I agreed that the work done to safeguard this galaxy is as important as what I do personally for our child."

"I'm glad he's being so supportive," I looked at her curiously. "How is he settling into life here in the city?"

"It is a difficult transition for many of my people," Teyla revealed. "He misses the outdoor environment we were used to."

"I guess the technology and everything makes it hard to find an immediate role here," I commented, remembering my own transition to the city and all the learning I'd had to do. "I'd be happy to run through some of the systems with him and anyone else who's interested, if that would help? All the training programs Elizabeth had me using when I got here should still be there.""

"That is very generous Sabina. I will pass on your offer to Kanaan and the others."

"Morning," John arrived from his early morning meeting with Richard Woolsey. After the whole Wraith ship incident, the city's still new leader preferred a daily update – it took John away from our usual morning routine and I was hoping Woolsey would ease up once he felt more comfortable being in charge. "What are we having?" he leaned over to check out my breakfast tray.

"_I'm_ having oatmeal," I said pointedly.

"Really," John grimaced. "Why would you do that?"

"I like oatmeal," I insisted.

"Since when?" John narrowed his eyes, and then he began to grin. "Is this like a craving or something? Because that would be cool."

"It's not a craving," I said automatically, although … I frowned. It wasn't that I disliked oatmeal but it wasn't usually my first choice. "It's cold," I said defensively. "I wanted something to warm me up."

"Sure, of course you did," John tried to look serious but I knew he was still teasing me.

"Leave her be John," Teyla admonished. Smiling she touched a hand to mine and continued. "I believe that food cravings are a normal occurrence at this stage of pregnancy."

"Did you have any?" I asked, still unwilling to admit that deciding on oatmeal for breakfast counted as a craving.

"Nothing obvious," Teyla replied. "It was more that certain types of foods held greater appeal. Jennifer explained that it was the body's way to collect the additional elements needed during pregnancy."

"Makes sense," John picked up my spoon and took a small portion of oatmeal from my bowl. He tasted it cautiously and then shrugged, eating the rest. "Not as bad as I remember," he admitted.

We finished breakfast with the usual casual conversation. "So, first mission back with the team," John commented to Teyla as we stood to leave.

"I admit to feeling some apprehension," Teyla replied.

"It doesn't have to be today," John said seriously. "If you're not ready you can always leave it for next time."

"No," Teyla said decisively. "It is time I began to live as I intend to in the future. Kanaan will take care of Torren until my return." She smiled. "I will however return to my quarters to tell him goodbye before our meeting."

"We're not due for a while yet," John nodded. "We'll meet you there.

"Very well," Teyla nodded. "Thank you for the breakfast company Sabina."

"You're welcome," I replied. "Thank you."

We watched Teyla walk away before John turned to me. "Are you coming to this meeting?"

"All department heads got the directive," I reminded him. "I might be a department of one but apparently that doesn't exclude me."

"Well, hopefully it won't go on for too long."

The conference room was at full capacity when we arrived. I spied Major Lorne sitting beside Radek, the two men talking quietly. "Major," I greeted him casually, taking the seat on his other side.

"Sabina, Sir," Evan replied.

"Major," John sat down beside me. "Any idea how long this is going to take?"

"Knowing Woolsey, probably far too long," Evan replied in a low tone.

I laughed. "At least John's team gets to go off world straight after."

"Just a nice quiet little run to M3R-544," John grinned. "We'll walk a little, make friendly with the locals, eat whatever they offer us. With any luck we'll be home before dinner."

"Right now that sounds just about perfect Sir," Lorne admitted.

"Hh mmm," Mr Woolsey cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Let's begin."

The meeting seemed to drag and drag as Woolsey queried the plans of every separate department, scrawling notes in that book of his. I could see how it helped in balancing the relative priorities of all the individual sections but for most of us, whose involvement was much narrower, listening to plans for new crops and how the kitchen was managing supplies was kind of boring.

Finally Woolsey called an end, reminding us all that we had to do the same thing again in two week's time.

I followed John out, nodding to Evan as he hurried forward, still talking with Radek.

"Busy day?" John queried.

"Not really," I admitted. "I guess we have Rodney's list of priorities for Ancient artefacts we don't understand. I'm just going to start researching number one on his list."

"What is it?" John looked interested.

"No idea, hence needing to research it," I retorted with a grin.

"Well, enjoy yourself," John ruffled my hair until I managed to duck away.

"I will," I replied. "You too. Go easy for Teyla's first real mission back."

"Hey, we never set out to make it hard for ourselves," John insisted.

"I never said you did," I stepped closer and reached up to pull him down for a quick kiss. "See you later."

"Later," he promised, running a finger down my cheek in a light caress before he reluctantly turned away.

"Colonel, we got a new contact. Looks like a ship," Chuck reported.

John stopped, returning to look at the technician's screen. "How far out?" he queried.

"It's in orbit," Chuck advised.

"Well, how come we didn't detect it?" John demanded. I moved closer, looking over his shoulder at the screen and the single contact, sitting just outside the atmosphere.

"I don't know," Chuck admitted. "We didn't even detect the hyperspace window. It just appeared out of nowhere."

Rodney had been tapping away at another station. "Hang on a second. We're getting I.F.F. It's the Daedalus!"

"Daedalus?" John frowned. "How can that be? They're on their way back to Earth."

"Well, they _were_ - or they were _supposed_ to be," Rodney offered.

If the Daedalus was back so soon it could only mean something was wrong.

"Open up a channel," John ordered Chuck. The other man activated his controls and then pointed to let John know the channel was open.

John activated his headset radio. "Daedalus, this is Atlantis, please come in." He waited a few moments but there was no response. "Daedalus, please respond." He tried again.

"They're not gonna answer," Rodney had that tone that always meant something had gone very wrong.

"Why not?" John demanded.

"'Cause I'm not reading any life signs," Rodney said weakly.

"What are you telling me, Rodney?" John asked impatiently. "This thing flew here by itself?"

"I don't know how they got here, but there's no-one on board," Rodney replied. "At least, no-one alive."

"Lorne to the control room," John ordered briskly before turning to Chuck. "Radio Ronon and Teyla to meet us in the Jumper Bay. We're gonna go check it out," he added before Rodney could question him.

"Sir," Evan ran up the steps. He'd made good time but wasn't out of breath, probably because he hadn't gotten that far after leaving the meeting.

"The Daedalus just appeared in orbit," John told him. "No life signs. Contact Earth and find out if they reported some kind of problem."

"Yes Sir," Evan replied, nodding to Chuck to dial Earth.

John was all set to head off but then stopped, sighed, and turned back to his second in command. "Radio Woolsey as well – let him know our status. Wait until we're clear of the city, okay."

"Will do Sir," Evan kept his face blank but I knew he was a little bit amused. Finding the line on when it was okay just to act and when Woolsey expected to be given the right to okay something was proving to be a challenge.

"I'll stick around, if that's okay," I told Evan in a low tone, watching John and Rodney disappearing up the stairs to the Jumper Bay.

"Fine with me," Evan replied.

The gate whooshed into action moments later. "Sir, I have the SGC," he nodded to Evan.

"Stargate Command, this is Major Lorne," Evan stood, hands on his hips as he spoke.

"Major," General Landry replied. "You're not scheduled for a check-in. Is there a problem?"

"We're not sure Sir," Evan admitted. "The Daedalus appeared in orbit above the planet a few minutes ago. There were no life signs detected. Colonel Sheppard's team has gone to check it out but we wondered if Colonel Caldwell had been in contact with you."

"The Daedalus?" Landry sounded surprised. "Stand by Major."

"Standing by Sir," Lorne confirmed, relaxing a little and giving me a puzzled glance.

"He was surprised," I commented.

"Yeah, I'd say he was," Evan agreed. "Which probably means they haven't been in contact."

"Major," Landry came back. "We've just made contact with the Daedalus. They are inside the Milky Way and on course to return to Earth as scheduled. Whatever that ship may look like Major, it's not our Daedalus."

"Acknowledged Sir," Evan returned. "We'll keep you informed once we learn more. Atlantis out." He motioned for Chuck to cut the connection. "Radio the Colonel," he told the technician. "Let him know what General Landry said."

"Yes Sir," Chuck turned to follow the order.

"Doctor Zelenka to the control room," Lorne radioed the scientist. "We've got a situation up here I need you to monitor."

"On my way," Radek replied. If it had been Rodney he'd have questioned and queried first.

"Mr Woolsey, this is Major Lorne," Evan stepped back, tapping his earpiece to talk to the city's leader. He listened for a moment and then spoke. "We're detecting a ship in orbit over Atlantis. Colonel Sheppard's team has taken a Jumper up to check it out."

"Why wasn't I informed of this?" Woolsey strode from his office as he spoke.

Lorne tapped his earpiece again to close the still open channel before speaking. "I assume because the Colonel believed it to be a military situation Sir," he replied in a reasonable tone. "It appears to be the Daedalus, although Earth informs us our Daedalus is on course for its return to Earth."

"How can that be?" Woolsey demanded.

"I don't know Sir, that's why Colonel Sheppard's gone to check it out."

"Right, well, keep me informed Major," Woolsey ordered before returning to his office.

"I'll do that," Evan muttered under his breath.

Radek had arrived and was already tapping away at the same station Rodney had used. "I.F.F. definitely identifies it as the Daedalus," he peered at the screen, pushing his glasses up higher on his nose. "Four life signs on sensors – Colonel Sheppard's team?"

"Probably," Evan agreed. "Picking up anything else?"

"Nothing to explain the ship's presence," Radek replied.

"Is it possible to fake an IFF?" Evan asked.

"Perhaps," Radek allowed, "but it is not just the transmission that identifies the ship. Its general dimensions and shape are those of a Daedalus class vessel."

"So if it's not the Daedalus it's another ship of the same class?"

"That seems the likely conclusion, yes," Radek agreed. Lorne seemed about to ask another question but Radek held up a hand. "Wait, I'm detecting something. An energy signature, from inside the ship. It's growing in strength Major."

"Colonel Sheppard, this is Atlantis. We're picking up some kind of power surge coming from the ship."

"Yeah, we noticed it," it was John's voice and I smiled. "We're trying to check it out ourselves."

"Their levels are still rising," Radek advised Evan quietly.

"Colonel, should we send another Jumper to assist?" Lorne questioned, his stance more rigid as his concern grew.

"No, stand by," John ordered.

We waited but there was nothing else.

"Major," Radek shifted nervously. "We're no longer detecting the ship in orbit."

Evan walked to the edge of the balcony. I couldn't see his expression but I knew he was anxious at the continued silence. "Colonel Sheppard, do you read? Daedalus, this is Atlantis, please respond."

Still nothing. I swallowed back the desire to try myself to get a response.

Evan turned to Radek. "What the hell's going on?"

"I don't know," Radek admitted. "One moment they were there and the next minute, they were gone."

"Damn it," Evan shot me a quick look before tapping his ear piece. "Mr Woolsey, we have a problem."

A problem? John and his team had just disappeared without a trace and he was calling it a problem? That wasn't the word I would have chosen!

"It'll be fine," Evan said to me in a low voice, putting a hand to my forearm supportively.

"Sure, of course it will," I shot back in a tense whisper. "Because ships appear and then disappear above the planet every day!"

"We'll get them back," Evan insisted.

"You better be right," I pushed back the worry as Richard Woolsey strode into the control room again.

"What seems to be the problem Major?" Woolsey asked.

"The ship we detected has disappeared," Lorne reported.

"Isn't that a good thing?" Woolsey queried.

"It would be Sir, except the Colonel's team was on board at the time."

"We've lost Colonel Sheppard's team?" Woolsey asked irritably.

"For the time being yes," Lorne agreed, "but I'm sure they're working to rectify that."

"Doctor Zelenka, can you explain this?" Woolsey turned to the scientist.

"Um, not at this time," Radek said nervously. "We did read a surge in power within the ship just before it disappeared. Perhaps I can analyse the readings in more detail – it might offer some clues on the likely whereabouts of the ship."

"Do it," Woolsey ordered. "In the meantime Major Lorne, you're in charge."

"Yes Sir," Evan said reluctantly.

Woolsey nodded, spinning on a heel and returning to his office.

"What should I do?" I asked. John had given the impression of disappearing before but I'd never been around to witness it personally. And never like this – this time he'd actually physically disappeared. Poof, like magic. I felt lost and for once I really needed someone else to tell me what to do next.

"Stay here," Evan ordered. "See if you can help Doctor Zelenka."

"Okay," I took the seat next to Radek, only realising as I rested my hands on the keyboard that they were shaking. "Please be okay," I whispered.


	10. Get it together soldier (John's POV)

**Chapter 10: Get it together soldier (John's Point Of View)**

It wasn't until we found the dead bodies that the seriousness of my current predicament hit me. Seeing yourself lying stone cold dead on the floor will do that, even to the toughest of individuals.

I was harsh with Rodney but I had to cut off his panic-stricken rant on the relative similarity between us and that dead team because I needed the reminder too.

We were still alive. They weren't. And I was going to do everything in my power to make sure we stayed alive long enough for my Rodney to fix this.

So now Rodney was reviewing the notes of his alternate self, Teyla and Ronon were searching through the main cargo holds looking for any supplies left behind, and I was taking a moment to remind myself that there was always a solution.

I have to admit that this time felt different than all the other times I'd gotten myself separated from Atlantis … from Sabina. Even those 48,000 years into the future had seemed surmountable because we were still in the same reality. She'd found a way to me then and I swore I'd do the same for her now, because there was no way in hell she was having my child without me being there. It just wasn't happening. End of story.

The ship was still cold, despite Rodney having restored power. I steered clear of all the obvious places because McKay was right – the other team would have striped the ship bare of anything useable in an effort to survive. We had a few basic supplies in our Puddle Jumper – maybe they did too. With any luck they'd decided to leave them as a last resort they hadn't been able to cash in on. Whatever happened to them looked like it had been sudden – I couldn't see any version of myself leaving my friends dead on the floor unless I was already dead myself.

The hangar was colder still and I shivered as I strode quickly towards our Jumper. Grabbing the emergency kit I hung the strap crossways over my chest and then moved on to the second Jumper. It opened silently, the lights coming on immediately. There was nothing wrong with it, meaning they could have left the Daedalus if they'd wanted to.

"So the big question is - why didn't you use the Jumper to escape?" I murmured, ducking inside and looking around suspiciously. A Puddle jumper wasn't long range but if they'd waited for a reality with a viable planet below they'd easily have been able to make it down there.

Searching through the back section I didn't find anything. Moving forward I took the pilot seat and sat for a few moments, wondering how much I was going to regret what I was about to do next.

Putting my hands on the controls I powered up the Jumper. "Show me the last recorded log," I requested. Despite telling Rodney the other team wasn't us I knew myself well enough to predict what I'd do if faced with the inevitable. I'd try to leave some kind of message, the content depending on what else I had in that other life to go back to.

"_This is Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard_," my own voice sounded different contained inside the Jumper but outside my own head. scratchy with a stronger accent than I thought I had. I guess no one liked hearing their own voice played back to them. "_All previous attempts to navigate the Daedalus back to our own reality have failed. With supplies dangerously low Teyla Emmagen, Ronon Dex, Doctor Rodney McKay, and myself have unanimously agreed to risk a controlled overload of the reality drive. McKay believes with sufficient power released simultaneously that the drive will shut down, buying us the time we need to find our way home. If our attempt fails, let the record show that we gave it our best shot. Sheppard out._"

"Okay," I swallowed dryly and then took a deep breath. "That can't be it. Are there any other logs dating back to the same date stamp?"

My display screen flashed on one other entry, password protected. This was something my other self didn't want anyone but the intended recipient to hear.

"Play log," I commanded.

"_Password required_."

I stared at the flashing words for a few seconds. "John Ryan Sheppard," I said confidently. I had to guess and if I had someone in my life I needed a personal message for, odds were it was Sabina. I'd have to choose a password that she could guess that wouldn't be immediately obvious to anyone else and I'd probably rightly decided she'd crack if I used a name. Our son would be on her mind and she'd know he'd be on mine too. Since we hadn't named our child yet in my reality I had to go with what we knew he was called in other realities.

The log opened after a small delay and I was confronted not just with my own words, but my own visage as well.

"_Okay, this is awkward_," my alternate self said. "_I don't know where to begin except to say I'm so sorry Sabina. I never meant for us to be separated like this and the fact that I'm recording a last words message should tell you I don't hold out much hope that we'll find a way back. We don't do last words though, do we babe?_" My other self sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. They shook and all at once I felt his emotions thick in my throat.

"Pause," I ground out, pushing away from the console and standing with my back to the view screen. "Damn," I muttered, pressing the heels of my hands to my eyes. "Get it together soldier," I ordered myself grimly. "That is _not_ going to be you!"

After repeating that silently to myself a couple of times I returned to the pilot's chair. I owed it to that other me to finish, especially since there was little chance his Sabina would ever see the message.

"Play," I pressed my lips together, intent on getting it done without any more unnecessary empathy clouding up the works.

"_You're probably wondering what happened, huh?_" My other self raised a self-mocking smile. "_We finally found a problem the great Rodney McKay can't solve. Well, he thinks he has but there's a pretty huge risk attached to playing it his way._" The other John leaned closer to the screen, his eyes intent as though he really were speaking directly to his Sabina. "_See, the thing is, we could take the Jumper down to the planet below. It's the same as home, minus Atlantis. Plenty of natural resources, fresh water, everything we need to survive for a really long time. We could do that_," he repeated, "_but it would mean accepting that I'm never going to see you again. I just … I can't do that Sabina. I can practically hear you telling me not to be stupid, to take that life and live it the best I can. I know you'd be proud of me if I did that but … I just can't and I'm sorry for that._" He laughed suddenly. "_You always said I was strong and I never corrected you. Sure I'm strong, when I have you to anchor me. Without you I'm just reckless and impulsive and a disaster waiting to happen. I don't want to live like that, not now I know how much better I can be._"

He stopped, looking way and swallowing hard. He was pushing back tears – I knew it because I'd done the same thing myself in the past, something I'd never admit out loud.

"_So anyway, I'm putting my money on Rodney McKay_," the other John continued. "_I tried to get Ronon and Teyla to leave but they refused – there's nothing I can do to change their minds. Rodney thinks if he floods the reality drive all in one go he can stop the engine and buy us some time. If it works we spend a few weeks here living off the land while we wait for him to figure a way back home. And if it doesn't,_" he shrugged, "_well, we won't know it. The radiation will make it pretty much instant. I won't suffer – people always say that when someone gets killed. They didn't suffer. I don't know how that's supposed to help but maybe you'll find some comfort in it._"

He smiled then and it was genuine and so full of love in so obvious a way that I found myself smiling too. That's how much I loved Sabina and somewhere in the tragedy that other John had suffered I found a small sliver of silver lining - seeing from outside myself what that degree of love looked like.

"_I love you Sabina Sheppard and that's forever, no matter what happens. I don't regret a second and I wouldn't give any of them back, even the ones that led me here. Tell Ryan about me but don't glorify what I was. I want to be real to him in a way that still leaves space for someone else to be a father to him. I trust you to find someone worthy of my boy, worthy of you. Don't spend your life grieving for me baby because then what I've achieved really will amount to nothing. If I don't make it back, go out there and live. Make me proud._"

The message ended and I sat staring blindly at the blank screen. Somewhere out there another Sabina grieved for a man whose fate she'd never know, forced to raise a son without his father. I couldn't care about her or that boy because then I'd have to care about every version of Sabina out there – it was too much, impossible to get my head around. What happened to that other team and the flow on consequences were sad but there was nothing I could do. Another Sheppard had put his faith in Rodney and his entire team paid the price. It explained so much about how we'd found them, together as though something had hit them all at the same time and dropped them cold.

"That's not going to be us," I muttered under my breath. Standing I bent over the console and requested a copy of both log messages be transferred to the Ancient scanner from my Jumper before resetting the system so they'd be available for someone else to play, on the off chance the Jumper did end up back in the right reality. I didn't know how likely that was and it depended on how successful Rodney was in reversing our own path through realities. The copies were another back up – we'd come across other versions of ourselves before. Maybe one day we'd stumble across the right one and I'd be able to hand over the message. Knowing what happened would always be better than never knowing.

Pocketing the palm pad, I powered down the Jumper and exited. I needed to check in with Rodney and fill him in on what I'd learned.


	11. How similar was that John Sheppard?

**Chapter 11: ****How similar was that John Sheppard to you?**

The day dragged as we did what we could to find the Daedalus. Essentially that amounted to not much at all, aside from being able to quickly identify the same energy signature if it reappeared. We didn't know where John and his team were but we had no choice but to count on them to get themselves home.

"Why don't you take a break," Evan suggested, speaking quietly. "Get something to eat."

"Not yet," I replied, giving him a quick glance before I returned my eyes to the display. We had the sector of space the Daedalus had disappeared from on continuous scanners and I couldn't look away. I was too tense, waiting for them to appear with so much expectation and fear. I believed they would come back but at the same time I was so scared they wouldn't.

"It's been three hours and you've hardly moved," Evan said more forcefully. He put a hand to my shoulder and leaned down a little so he could speak close to my ear. "Don't make me have to order you."

"You've been here the same amount of time," I intended to look at him for a moment but he was so close. His eyes, those too pretty for a man blue orbs, were locked on mine and I felt like he was looking right into the heart of me. His concern was so clear my eyes instantly filled with tears. "Don't," I pleaded, deploring even a hint of sympathy. "Just let me sit here, please."

Evan sighed but I knew he'd cave. "Don't cry," he ordered, eying me almost warily now. He'd deal with it if I did burst into tears but his tough guy image would be ruined forever if he had to comfort me in the middle of the control room. "I'll let you stay for another hour but if there's no change by then you clock off, and that _will_ be an order. The Colonel will kick my ass if I don't make you look after yourself."

"Deal," I sniffed, wiping quickly at my eyes and giving him as much of a smile as I could manage, heartened by his instinctive belief that John _would_ be back to berate him. "Thanks."

He nodded, straightening again and moving away. I turned and saw Radek watching me in concern. "I'm okay," I said, "well, not okay but I'm not gonna blubber all over the console or anything."

"It is difficult to wait for news, no," Radek made it clear he didn't see a problem in any reaction I might reveal.

"I guess you'd have that a lot, being Rodney's back up," I joked.

"Yes, this is true," Radek agreed. "It is always stand back and let me fix it with him, until he has trouble and then expects an immediate solution."

"That does sound like Rodney McKay." I was one of the physicists biggest supporters but there was no getting around the less attractive aspects of what made Rodney who he was. "He must have been absent the day they handed out patience."

"And humility," Radek added.

"Modesty as well," I replied.

We could have gone on and probably would have if the monitoring program Radek set up didn't start beeping.

"Major, we're picking up another energy signature," Radek reported.

"Any sign of the Daedalus?" Evan came over to us and glanced down at Doctor Zelenka's screen.

"Not yet," Radek squinted, leaning forward abruptly. "Wait, there is something – another contact."

"Is it the Daedalus?" Lorne asked.

"They are too far out for us to get I.F.F.," Zelenka replied, turning to see what Evan wanted to do next.

"Try sub-space."

Radek nodded, hitting a few keys and then nodding that it was ready to go.

"Colonel Sheppard, do you read?" Lorne had his hands on his hips again as he waited for an answer. "Colonel Sheppard, this is Major Lorne. Do you read?" He tried again.

When the silence persisted he turned to Chuck. "Was there a hyperspace window?"

"No, sir," Chuck advised. "They just appeared out of nowhere."

It was John. It _had_ to be. We didn't have them back yet but I could already feel relief weakening the tense posture I'd been holding for hours.

"It's _gotta_ be them," Evan echoed my thoughts. "Alert Mr Woolsey.' He looked at Radek. "Doc, you're with me. Let's go. Come on."

"Wait," I jumped up, almost bouncing on my toes as I looked at Evan pleadingly.

He pursed his lips, eyeing me assessingly before nodding. "Okay, but you stay in the Jumper, no matter what happens, okay."

"Okay," I hurried to keep up with him as he strode to the bay and quickly powered up the Jumper. Radek sat beside him, already bringing up the scanners in preparation for when we were far enough out in space to use them. I dropped in the chair behind Evan, leaning forward so that I could look through the front view screen unimpeded.

"All right, we should be within radio range," Doctor Zelenka announced after a few minutes.

"Colonel Sheppard, come in. Doctor McKay, this is Major Lorne, do you read?"

"There's too much interference," Radek said when all we got back was static. "I'm picking up the same kind of energy reading, but much stronger now. It's spiking."

We were heading right for the source of that energy spike so we all saw it. The Daedalus clearly outlined for a moment as it was engulfed by bright white light. When the light dissipated the ship was gone.

"_No_," I whispered, my eyes locked on empty space.

"What the hell just happened?" Evan demanded.

"They disappeared, much quicker than the first time."

"Do we have anything?" Lorne frowned, looking out into the blackness just like I was.

Inside my head I was repeating one word over and over again. _Please_. Please don't let that have been our one chance to rescue John and his team. Please don't take him away from me. Please.

Doctor Zelenka's console beeping was loud in the sudden silence inside the Jumper. "Oh, wait a minute. I'm picking up four life signs."

"Where?" I demanded before Evan could speak.

"Dead ahead," Radek gestured and we all squinted to see clearly through the front window. As the Jumper closed the distance four tiny shapes slowly became visible. Four people in space suits, floating freely.

"Colonel Sheppard, is that you?" Evan asked uncertainly.

"Major, nice of you to stop by." A huge smile broke over my face as I heard John's voice. "Kind of hard to get a cab in this neighbourhood," he joked.

"Picking up a fare isn't all that easy either," I quipped.

"Sabina?" John sounded surprised.

"This isn't a rescue," I said quickly.

"Even though it looks very much like exactly that," Evan commented under his breath.

"Okay, it is a rescue, but not a guns blazing, danger all around, take big risks rescue," I expanded. "It's just a nice little ride in a Puddle Jumper I had no intention of leaving."

"It's okay," John excused. "Just bring her closer Major and open the back hatch. We'll do the rest."

"Yes Sir," Lorne nodded for Radek to seal up the front section before he depressurised the back and hit the hatch release.

"Is Torren all right?" Teyla asked, still on radio.

"It's only been a few hours," Evan reminded her. "He's fine, although I did hear he wasn't too happy having Mr Woolsey be his escort back to the Mess Hall."

"I have never seen someone so stiff around a baby," Teyla replied.

"See McKay, you're not the worse babysitter in Atlantis," John joked.

"It was one little drop!" Rodney protested. "I was dropped like a dozen times when I was a kid."

"That explains it," Evan muttered to Radek and I.

"Okay Major, you can repressurise," John advised. "We're all aboard."

"Repressurising, yes Sir," Lorne gave the command and a few moments later the door between sections opened to reveal John and the others.

John had taken off the space suit helmet and his hair was even scruffier than usual ... and he was the best thing I'd see since he'd left that morning.

"Honey, I'm home," he joked, smiling at me.

That was the signal I'd been subconsciously waiting for. I was up and in his arms instantly, both of us holding on even tighter than usual.

"That was too close," I murmured just to him.

"You have no idea," he nuzzled his head into my neck, breathing me in before he reluctantly let me go. "Let's get this taxi back to Atlantis," he told Evan.

"Yes Sir," Lorne reengaged the drive controls and took the ship on a wide loop back towards the city.

* * *

Later, after the medical check in and the debriefing with Mr Woolsey, I was finally able to get some time with John alone.

"I was scared," I said as soon as we inside our quarters.

"So was I," John admitted freely.

"I'm glad I didn't know what was really happening for you," I moved to the bed and sat down, suddenly tired. "I can't believe you found an alternate team up there. It's just so sad."

"It is," John sat down beside me, resting a hand over mine. "Listen, while I was up there I found the messages the other me left behind."

"Messages?" he hadn't mentioned them when he'd been telling Woolsey what happened.

"Last words," John said intently.

"Oh," I looked away, my fingers subconsciously tracing patterns over his hands. "Did you listen to them?"

"Yeah, I had to, to make sure there weren't any clues that could have helped us," he admitted. "I made a copy because who knows, one day we might be able to deliver them."

"That would be something," I met his eyes. "How similar was that John Sheppard to you?"

"Very. He had a Sabina waiting for him back on Atlantis, and a son as well."

"Another reality where that storage closet got put to good use," I tried to joke but it fell flat. "Are you telling me this because you want me to listen to the messages?"

"No," John denied. "In fact, I don't think you should listen to them. As much as there were similarities, he wasn't me and she isn't you. Don't get me wrong, I feel for her and for that boy who's gonna grow up without his father, but they aren't us."

"We can't influence what goes on in all the other possible realities," I concluded. "In the end all we can do is focus on the one that's ours."

"Exactly," John put his arm around me, gathering me close. "I don't know what kind of message I'd leave for you, if I got to the point where I believed I wasn't gonna make it home."

"Don't talk like that!" I shifted to glare up at him.

"Quiet, I'm trying to make a point here," he shot back. "Just … listen."

I nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"Right, well as I was saying," he began, "when I listened to that John's personal message it struck me that there are things I still haven't said to you. Important stuff that shouldn't wait for a 'last words' situation." He touched his hand to my cheek, his expression softening as he continued to regard me. I felt the tears well up as the silent regard continued. He loved me, I knew that, and sometimes, most often when we were engaged in intimacy, I could see it reflected in his eyes. This was different … this was _more_. It was like he'd opened a door to his soul and let me look inside. I could see his love just like I'd always been able to feel it tingling over my skin when we touched. It was beautiful, this strong man of strong convictions and equally strong emotions.

"John," I whispered achingly.

"I'm better because I have you," he said simply. "I can't even imagine how different I'd be now if I didn't."

"You'll never have to find out, because I am never leaving you. I'm so much better because I have you too," I returned.

"Lucky for us we found each other then, isn't it?" he lightened the mood with an easier tone.

"It certainly is," I agreed, tucking myself close into his side again.


	12. You're not stronger … I think it's me

**Chapter 12: "You're not stronger … I think it's me."**

"Sabina, it's John."

I looked up from the screen in my lab at John's voice, tapping the radio at my ear to open the channel. "You're back. How did it go?"

John and his team had taken a jumper that morning to check out a possible site for an off world base.

"Mission wise, okay," John replied. "The planet's got some interesting wildlife, but nothing we couldn't handle."

"But …?" I asked when he paused, knowing from his tone that something had happened.

"The Jumper systems went wacko for a while there," John admitted. "Lost all power. We were dead in the water and heading for re-entry before they came back on line."

"Lucky you had Rodney there to fix it so quickly," I commented just as casually. John was so cavalier about the dangers out there, especially once they were past, that I couldn't help but take on some of that same attitude. Going through re-entry into the planet's atmosphere in a Puddle Jumper would have been dangerous to say the least but it hadn't happened and we'd both learned long ago to put aside the 'could have been's, else we would have driven each other mad long ago.

"That's the thing," John continued. "McKay didn't fix it. Everything came back on line all by itself. He's checking into it now."

Okay, a Jumper that malfunctioned and then fixed itself wasn't usual, not even for Atlantis. "I'm sure Rodney will work it out."

"Yeah," John agreed. "You ready for lunch?"

Thankfully I'd recovered from my happening all day morning sickness, after a few weeks of walking on eggshells as far as food went. "I'll meet you in the mess hall."

* * *

After an enjoyable lunch, instead of heading back to the lab I went to team Lorne's usual meeting room for a briefing on our next off world mission. Even though it was a standard check in to collect on an agreement and deliver what we'd promised in return, we still ran through the background, history of visits and anything else pertinent before the mission would be cleared to proceed.

"Sabina," Evan was already there, sitting in his usual spot, his data pad already displaying the mission report from our last visit.

"Hey," I smiled, sitting down next to him.

Evan looked at me closely before smiling back. "You look well," his eyes twinkled with mischief as he continued, "and still no different. I think you need to go back and have Doctor Keller check again, just to make sure you really are pregnant like you've been telling everyone."

"Because of course that's the kind of thing I'd make up," I retorted.

He laughed, because he knew that deep down I wanted there to be outward, visible to everyone, signs that I was in fact expecting, but so far the changes were only ones John and I would notice, like my work pants being too small around the waist. Jennifer had reassured me, telling me that because I was tall and it was my first child, it was usual that it might take a while for the pregnancy to really begin showing.

"Enjoy it while you can," Evan advised. "I remember my sister complaining towards the end of her first pregnancy that she couldn't even remember what her feet looked like."

"Okay, so lots of looking down to admire my shoes while I still can," I quipped as Colin and Alex walked in.

Alex glanced down at my feet, encased in my usual boots. "I'm going to assume your shoes have some relevance and move on," he said as he sat down.

Colin laughed, sitting across from me.

"Well you know, if you're not going to be on time, these are the kind of scintillating conversations that you miss out on," I said loftily.

"Forget it man," Colin advised. "You know they were probably talking about the tadpole." For some reason labelling me as pregnant and calling the baby a baby was beyond his ability as a manly tough guy, so he's taken to calling my future child a tadpole. His teammate expecting something that would later turn into a frog he _could_ handle, apparently.

"Okay, let's get started," Evan straightened, turning back to his computer and beginning to run through a quick list of key points from the last mission.

I listened closely, and was absorbed enough in what Evan was telling us that it took me a few moments to realise that I was feeling … odd. I'd clenched my hands without realising it and had to deliberately focus to unclench them. When I did, my fingers twitched very slightly – I couldn't keep them still or perfectly straight either. Frowning, I twined my fingers together, stretching both hands out against each other.

"Sabina?"

Evan's concerned voice cut into my distraction and I looked up with a start.

"Sorry?" I glanced from him to Colin and Alex and back again. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing important," Evan replied. "I'm thinking there's something here that we're all missing, though."

I frowned again, and then held out my hands so they could all see the way they were twitching. "I don't know what's wrong," I said. "I feel like I used to after cramming all night and drinking too much coffee."

"Do you feel sick?" Evan questioned, getting to his feet.

"No, not really," I tried to smile reassuringly. "It's probably nothing … I'm just feeling a little revved up is all. It's probably normal."

"Well, let's take a walk down to the infirmary anyway, let Doctor Keller confirm that, okay?" Evan made a get moving gesture, his brows raised expectantly, and I knew despite his easy going manner that it wasn't a suggestion.

"Okay," I agreed lightly, getting up.

"We'll reconvene this afternoon," Evan told Alex and Colin. The two men nodded, telling me they'd check with me later to find out if I was okay, even though I assured them that I was.

The feeling of too much energy bouncing around inside me continued as we walked to the nearest transporter. I felt like my heart was racing too fast as well – like I was super geared up for action but had nowhere to direct my energy. We were in the corridor outside the infirmary when I finally connected how I was feeling to something that would explain why there was an element of familiarity about it. "It's the gene," I muttered as we walked inside.

"The gene?" Evan queried, guiding me over to one of the examination bays, before looking around for Doctor Keller. She was talking to one of the nurses and nodded to Evan that she'd be over as soon as she could.

"You know how I get a kind of a zing off people who have the natural gene?" I began. Evan nodded. "I feel like that, only it's spread all over instead of being localised, and it's stronger … no, not stronger, different, but still similar enough that it feels like maybe its connected."

Evan frowned. "Okay. Has that ever happened before?"

"Not like this," I admitted. A sudden thought occurred to me. "Give me your hand," I demanded, my eyes narrowed in contemplation.

"Uh, sure, okay," Evan agreed, holding out his hand, palm up.

I put my palm over his, registering the warmth of his skin for an instant before that zing of touching someone with the natural gene took over. It was stronger that before – and I almost felt like I could detect nuances as well, those aspects of the gene that made some people good at some things but not at others. Evan was an all-rounder with the gene, because he was competent and really, really capable with everything he did. He had the mental element down pat – never had any doubts when he set out to do something gene related, and was just really disciplined in his approach to everything. What I was feeling now as our palms touched, was all that but also his particular strength in opening things – doors, rooms, things that were a little resistant to most people.

"Well?" Evan asked when I continued to gather impressions without telling him anything.

"It's different," I admitted, dropping my hand.

"How so?"

"Stronger," I said, quickly correcting myself, "you're not stronger … I think it's me. I'm just getting more information about your gene, more than before."

"Did I hear you say something about your gene?" Jennifer asked, joining us.

I quickly explained what had happened and my impromptu experiment with Evan.

"And you think your gene is stronger today?" Jennifer queried. "Because of what you're picking up from Major Lorne?"

"I think so," I admitted.

"How do you know?" Jennifer questioned.

"She's done the gene detection thing with me before," Evan offered.

"Way back when I first joined Evan's team," I expanded. "Some of it was to explain what I could do, just in case it was something that might help the team off world. I also kind of desensitised myself to Evan's gene, because it's distracting getting that jolt every time I accidently touch someone and if I get familiar enough with them I don't notice it." I smiled self-deprecatingly. "Believe me Jennifer, I'm one hundred percent sure that what I'm getting from Major Lorne today is different – I haven't gotten that kind of jolt from him for a long time."

"Okay, let's run some tests then, see what's happening here," Jennifer said, her manner businesslike but in no way suggesting she thought there was any kind of real problem. "I'll go and set up one of the units for you."

"You don't have to stick around," I told Evan, knowing he had more important things to do.

"I'm good," he countered, folding his arms over his chest and settling back against the bed railing, making it clear he wasn't going anywhere. "You should probably let Colonel Sheppard know where you are," he added.

"I was just about to," I shot back, giving him my irritated look when he raised a brow, less than convinced. Tapping my earpiece, I radioed John. "John, it's Sabina," I began.

The radio crackled but there was no immediate response. "John, are you there?" I tried again.

"Problem?" Evan asked.

"I don't think my radio is working," I tapped the control again but nothing happened.

"Colonel Sheppard, this is Lorne. Please respond," Evan tried his radio next. He shook his head, letting me know he'd been unsuccessful too. "Control Room, this is Major Lorne. Can you locate Colonel Sheppard for me please?"

His frown deepened. "No response there either," he advised. "The radios must be down."

The lights in the infirmary flickered, weakened and then returned to normal. We both looked up before meeting each other's eyes. "Something's wrong," I said simply.

"Maybe," Evan agreed. Patting my hand he shifted, his stance no longer relaxed. "I'll head up to the control room, check it out."

"Good idea," I agreed. "Just don't forget to send someone back down here to fill the rest of us in."

The lights flickered again. "I'll keep you informed," Evan promised before striding purposefully away.

"Ready?" Jennifer returned, nodding towards the scanner beds.

"Is it going to be safe?" I asked, nodding up to where the lights were still behaving strangely.

"The infirmary has its own backup power," Jennifer reassured me. "Its perfectly safe."

"Okay," I lay down on the scanner bed, still eyeing the device above me suspiciously.

"Relax Sabina," Jennifer said with a small chuckle. "This won't hurt a bit."

She was right – the power remained stable and the scanner didn't do anything out of the ordinary. Once it was done she urged me to sit with her at the display unit so she could run through the results.

"It's all normal," she reassured me. "There's nothing here to suggest increased levels within your brain, your hormone levels are within normal ranges. I'm not seeing anything here that we need to worry about."

"Then why do I feel like I'm plugged into my own power supply?" I asked.

"I don't know for sure, but we can speculate that it has something to do with your pregnancy," Jennifer suggested. "You're the first Atlantian we've had the opportunity to observe during pregnancy and while I've researched the Ancient database for anything that might be pertinent to your case, there wasn't really anything there about what you're likely to experience day to day."

"So you're saying this could be perfectly normal for this stage of pregnancy," I concluded.

"Exactly," Jennifer agreed. "It's not exactly the same but there is a precedent we can maybe draw some experience from."

"You mean Teyla?" I queried uncertainly, since she was the only other pregnant lady to have lived in the city in recent times.

"Yes," Jennifer nodded earnestly. "Wraith DNA isn't the same as Ancient, of course, but while pregnant Teyla did experience a heightened sense of ability in the areas given to her by her Wraith DNA. Either through tapping into the connection between mother and foetus or because something about pregnancy itself provided additional strength to her own DNA abilities."

"You think Ancient DNA works in the same way?"

"I wasn't sure it would but with the current evidence, I'd say it's likely," Jennifer agreed. "At this stage in most pregnancies it's normal for a woman to feel a lift in energy levels in general. It sounds a lot like that's what you're experiencing here - you're just experiencing it differently because some of your energy must go into fuelling things like the Ancient talents you possess."

"Like the ability to sense the gene in others," I concluded, nodding. It made sense.

"We'll keep an eye on you of course, but in the absence of any other explanation there's not much we can do," Jennifer continued. "Keep track of what you're experiencing and report to me the instant you start feeling uncomfortable in any way."

"It might get stronger you mean?" I asked worriedly.

"There's no reason to think so," Jennifer countered. "Teyla's heightened abilities remained relatively consistent throughout her pregnancy. It's just customary when releasing a patient to remind them to come back if anything changes."

"Okay, I can do that," I promised.

"For now I suggest you go back to your quarters and lie down for a while, give your body the chance to adjust to these new sensations."

"I hope I do," I murmured worriedly. "I'd hate to have to go back to avoiding any kind of contact with anyone, just in case they gave me a jolt. Plus, you know, John's the strongest gene holder we have – who knows what kind of jolt I'm going to get from him. What if I can't touch him because it's too strong?"

"I don't think it will come to that," Jennifer reassured me. "Try the nap, some peace and quiet, and then see how you feel, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded. "Thanks Jennifer."

I walked to the nearest transporter but discovered that it wasn't working, meaning I'd have to walk the long way to get to my quarters. Since I was so close to the control room I decided to take a detour and catch up with John first.

"Sabina," John spotted me before I'd fully cleared the stairs, moving to intercept me.

"What's happening?" I asked, his manner making it clear something bad was going on.

"City wide system glitches," John revealed. "McKay's working on fixing it now."

"Glitches, that's all it is?"

"Ah, maybe not," John grimaced. "It's all a lot like what was happening in the Jumper, before we came back to the city."

"A virus maybe?"

"McKay says not," John replied.

"Because he cut the network connection before you gated back," I concluded, getting a nod from John in return. "Can I help?"

"Are you feeling better?"

I glanced around, looking for Evan.

"I sent Lorne to assist with the sweep of the city, letting everyone know the radios are out and we're working on fixing them," John revealed. "He told me he'd taken you to the infirmary."

John didn't tell me he'd been worried or that he'd wanted to come check on me himself but I knew it was true. His duty as military commander came first and it seemed like the city was having another crisis, and needed him much more than I did.

"It's nothing," I reassured him. "Jennifer seems to think I just need to go and have a rest and it's all sort itself out."

John's eyes narrowed as he regarded me carefully. When I maintained eye contact, my expression open and calm, he nodded, relieved. "Fine, that's good. Do you want someone to go with you?"

"I can find my way home by myself," I insisted. "You probably need everyone out doing what you've already got them doing."

"Okay, just be careful," John agreed. "Stay away from the computers." He motioned to the one behind Rodney, sporting a big blackened hole in the middle. That one was toast and not even Rodney would be putting it back together again.

"I'll go straight to bed," I promised. "I'll see you later."

I turned to leave and he reached for me, taking my hand in his and running his thumb over the top in a familiar caress.

I tensed, or rather braced as the strongest jolt of ATA gene detection I've ever felt flowed through me. It didn't hurt but it jacked up all my senses and suddenly everything was way too bright and way too loud. I blinked, letting go quickly and shaking my hand to ease that electric feeling.

"Sabina?" John, ever observant, had picked up on my reaction.

"It's nothing," I insisted. "Just the baby lending me a bit of extra ATA juice."

"Huh?"

"Like with Teyla and the Wraith DNA," I reminded him. "Remember how much stronger she was with her Wraith abilities?"

"Oh!" He frowned and I could see he didn't like the ramifications any more than I had.

"I'm okay," I assured him. "Jennifer thinks I just need to give my body a chance to adjust, that I'll get used to it and return to normal."

John pursed his lips together, his worried face telling me he was less than convinced.

"Look, I'm going to take that nap and leave you to fixing the system problems," I said firmly. "There's plenty of time to worry about my gene issues once the city is back to normal."

John couldn't argue with that. Running a reassuring hand over my hair – for himself as much as for me – he reluctantly let me go.

The walk to our quarters was long enough that I was tired by the time I got there. Even though it was early by my usual standards, when I stretched out on the bed it took only moments before I dropped into a deep sleep.


	13. Is she holding a grudge?

**Chapter 13: "You mean you want to know if she's holding a grudge."**

I came awake gradually some hours later, to the feeling that someone was watching me. When I opened my eyes, John was there, stretched out on the bed beside me. It was clear that he'd been watching me for a while.

"Hey," I muttered, my voice heavy with sleep.

"Hey yourself," he murmured back in a low voice. He reached out a hand towards me and then stopped, eyeing me carefully. "Are you feeling better now?"

Considering the matter, I realised that sleep had done all the wonders Doctor Keller had promised. I felt rested and that tingly, over amped feeling was gone. "I think so," I said slowly, "but you might need to test it, just to make sure." I gave him a 'come hither' smile but he didn't respond as he usually would. That had me snapping to full wakefulness and my eyes narrowed as I took in the various impressions available just from looking at him. He looked far too serious, and weighed down by knowledge he wished he didn't have. Troubled … that was the word I was looking for.

"What happened?" I asked, shifting to sit up.

Regretfully, he shifted too, completing that move from before, touching my cheek and then smoothing my hair back behind one ear. The John Sheppard zing was back to normal too, but I couldn't feel fully relieved about that until I understood what had put the haunted look in John's eyes.

"This is gonna sound crazy, but that thing that glitzed the puddle jumper and the city earlier, it wasn't a virus." He paused and seemed to steel himself to continue. "It was a person."

"A person?" I frowned. "Okay, I'm assuming from the way you're acting that it's someone we know?"

"You could say that," John grimaced, shaking his head before his eyes met mine. "It's Elizabeth, Sabina. Somehow she survived and she found her way back here."

"Through your puddle jumper systems?" I knew I sounded sceptical but really? Elizabeth Weir was now some kind of energy thing that could sneak on board a Jumper and then into the city?

"I told you it would sound crazy," he reiterated, "and before you comment, I'm as confused as you are about how that's even possible. Elizabeth was never the most tech savvy person around."

I gave a small smile, acknowledging that I'd been thinking along very similar lines. "Are you sure it's really Elizabeth?" I had to ask.

"No," he admitted. "What I am sure of is that sometime in the past, whatever that thing is was connected to our Elizabeth enough that it knows what Elizabeth knew. Enough to recognise our voices, even Woolsey's."

"So this could be a carryover from the Replicators," I concluded. "We didn't destroy them all after all."

"Looks like," John agreed. He hesitated and then continued. "There's more."

"More than there being a disembodied version of Elizabeth Weir come for a visit?" I asked incredulously.

"Unfortunately yes," John admitted. "She found the replicator lab Rodney used to create Fran."

"Oh no, don't tell me she …," I trailed off, feeling just a little sick at the ramifications. I didn't think I could face an Elizabeth Weir in the flesh, even knowing it wasn't really her. I'd put it aside but I still felt a large degree of guilt over what had happened to the city's leader over a year before.

"She created a Replicator body for herself," John confirmed. "It doesn't look like Elizabeth though, thank God. Rodney says she must have been in a hurry because she used the last programmed specs."

"So she looks like Fran," I commented. "Does she seem like she's Elizabeth?"

"You mean, how she talks, how she acts?" John asked. I nodded. He shrugged. "I don't know – I was too busy thinking about the massive security risk to the city."

"Not to mention what might happen if she gets out – from just one Replicator we could end up with just as big a problem as they used to be."

"That too," John agreed.

"So what's happening now?"

"Rodney's checking the system to make sure she didn't make any modifications to any of the fail safes and protocols he put in place before he created Fran," John shared. He sighed, rubbing a tired hand over his face. "I guess we'll find out tomorrow just how big a problem we've got."

"What time is it?" I asked, shifting closer and touching a hand to his brow.

"No idea … late," John leaned into me a bit and with ease we shifted in a complimentary fashion until we were lying down again, cuddled together.

We were silent for a while, both consumed with our thoughts, before I spoke. "It's funny," I said softly.

"What's that?" John's voice rumbled close to my ear.

"After Asuras happened, I would have given anything to be able to speak to Elizabeth again," I sighed. "Maybe it wouldn't have helped but I always wanted to tell her how sorry I was … thank her for what she did for all of us."

John was quiet and I wondered if tiredness had gotten the better of him.

"You know I wanted to go back for her, and you know why I left," he finally said in a low, serious voice. He told me then the history this replicator claiming to be Elizabeth had revealed. Being combined into the Replicator collective and being transferred into a fully Replicator body, but still, somehow retaining her sense of who she'd been. Finding Niam's supporters and breaking away. Watching the destruction of Asuras from afar and beginning on the journey towards ascension. And then the mistake they'd made, transferring themselves into energy within subspace.

"Do you think you could have saved her from all of that?" I asked when he fell silent.

"I don't know," John returned, his tone suggesting he thought maybe the answer should be 'yes'.

"I do," I retorted, shifting around so that I could face him. "They were Replicators, John. Highly advanced and single minded in their purpose. Do you really think we would have been able to find even the remnants of Elizabeth as a replicator amongst so many?"

"No, I guess not," John allowed.

"We knew then and now we have confirmation – the Elizabeth we knew was gone before we even left that planet."

"You're right," John agreed.

"That's not what's troubling you, is it?" I realised abruptly, joining the dots towards the likely outcome. "This isn't about the past for you, it's about what's going to happen next."

"Whether she's Elizabeth or just some kind of Replicator echo of her, we're gonna have to make some tough decisions here," John shook his head. "Rodney's got some romanticised view of the world – that this really is Elizabeth and this is our chance to redeem ourselves, to make up for what happened. He thinks we've actually got her back."

"He can't see that Woolsey will never let us keep a Replicator in the city," I deduced.

"Hell no," John agreed. "He wants to upload her into a virtual reality like we did for Ava, let her live out some kind of existence there."

"It's a solution," I pointed out, "and far more humane that using the ARG technology to sever all the links between her replicator cells. It wouldn't take much to end this before something worse happens."

"You mean with her subspace friends," John continued, "of which there are eight, apparently. If they find their way here they'll fry the systems ten times worse than Elizabeth did by herself."

He yawned then and I felt guilty for keeping him talking. "Let's get some sleep," I urged, turning around so that we were spooned again. John buried his face in my hair, breathing deeply as he relaxed. It took us both a while to fall asleep but we were together ... always a comfort.

* * *

The next morning I woke when John did, the two of us quickly and smoothly moving through our morning routine until we were ready to head to the mess hall for breakfast.

"Can I meet her?" I asked abruptly just before we got there.

John stopped, giving me his 'there's no right answer for this one that isn't gonna get me in trouble' look. "Why would you want to?" he hedged.

"I don't know, curiosity I guess," I admitted. "She might not be Elizabeth but like you said last night, she was intimately involved with her at some point. I just want to know the story from Elizabeth's point of view."

"You mean you want to know if she holds you responsible, if she's holding a grudge," John corrected intently.

"Okay, that too," I admitted. I didn't want to remind him of a difficult time, but the fact was, what happened with Elizabeth and our part in it had almost ended our relationship. Without proof of what we could be together from Rod and the alternate reality I don't know if I'd have been able to come up with a compelling enough argument to get John to see reason as quickly as he had. Who knows what damage would have been done to our relationship if we hadn't been able to resolve things so quickly. "I thought I'd come to terms with everything," I said instead, resorting to being vague, "but now, I'm not so sure. Talking to her might help."

"We're not going to rehash old territory," John insisted. No surprises there – of course he wouldn't want to be reminded and given how far we'd come since then, talking about what was almost the end for us wouldn't be something John would want to do.

"No we're not," I agreed simply. "So, can I meet her?"

"I'll think about it," he held up a hand when I went to say something, "_after_ Rodney assures me she's harmless – for a Replicator."

"But if he does, then I can?" I persisted.

"I said I'd think about it," John shot back a little irritably, grabbing my hand and urging me to get moving. "You're just gonna have to be satisfied with that for now."

"I know, sorry," I apologised. "I should know by now not to push you before you've had a chance to wake up."

"That's right, you should … wife," John smirked when I narrowed my eyes at him.

"And you should know that your place is to agree with me and give me everything I want …. husband," I joked back.

"Now that would just be dangerous," John quipped, pulling out a seat for me to sit. Before I could respond we were joined by Teyla and Ronon and a moment later by Major Lorne, wanting to find out if I was better.

I listened to John thanking Evan for looking after me the day before as I glanced around the room. How different would all of this be if Elizabeth had never gone to Asuras? Well, that and if we'd found a way to save the city without the ZPM's we'd stolen from there of course.

"Are you up for proceeding with our mission to M5R 979?" Evan broke into my thoughts.

"Ah, sure, I think so," I agreed uncertainly, shooting a quick look at John to see if he had any objections.

He gave me a considering look. "You head out at fourteen hundred hours, right?" He directed his question at Major Lorne.

"Yes Sir," Evan confirmed, showing no surprise that John would know every detail about any mission I was going to be on.

"Given what's going on around here, it might be better if Sabina were off world," John commented. "Check in with Doctor Keller first, just to make sure it's okay for Sabina to travel through the gate, then proceed as planned."

"Hey, I am sitting right here," I reminded both men, so cavalierly arranging my day for me without seeking my input.

"I can see that," John tugged my pony tail playfully.

"I still want to meet the replicator," I insisted.

"Why?" It was Ronon's harsh voice that cut through everything else. "It's not her, it's not Doctor Weir."

His expression was just as troubled as John's had been the night before and the determination was fairly screaming out of him. The rest of us might eventually be won over but clearly there was no way Ronon was going to let himself _ever_ go the same way. In his eyes it wasn't Elizabeth and nothing was going to make it be her.

"Because it knows about Elizabeth's last days," I said quietly. "You were there Ronon. You and John. You know why I want to talk to her."

"What difference will it make when you won't be able to trust the answers?" Ronon returned.

"I don't know but I want to try," I persisted.

"You're going to let her get that close to a Replicator?" Ronon turned his attention to John as a means to the end he wanted to achieve, which seemed to be to keep us all away from the Replicator.

"Not without considering the risks, no," John replied firmly, ignoring my half voiced "but!" "What I _am_ going to do is wait for McKay to tell us what he's found, and whether there's any way to prove who that Replicator really is."

Ronon folded his arms over his chest, giving John a disgruntled look.

"If it turns out the risks are minimal," John continued, "then I will consider Sabina's request to speak to the Replicator."

"Not alone," Ronon declared firmly.

"No, not alone," John agreed. "You're going to be there playing guard anyway, you can keep a watch on everything, okay?"

"No," Ronon said bluntly, "but I'll do it anyway."

"Good man," John returned. "In the meantime Major Lorne's team, including Sabina," he gave me a pointed look, "will prep for their mission."

"I suppose I should go check in with Doctor Keller then," I said reluctantly, getting to my feet. "You'll let me know what happens … with the Replicator I mean?" I asked John hopefully.

"I'll let you know," he promised.


	14. Don't trust it it's a Replicator

**Chapter 14: Don't trust it … it's a Replicator.**

In the end John granted me my wish, giving me fifteen minutes to talk to the Replicator Elizabeth before I was due to go off world. Ronon all but lurked over my shoulder, determined to stick close.

"I can manage this," I assured him as we approached the guarded door. "You don't need to hover."

"Wrong," Ronon said intently. "Don't trust it … doesn't matter what it looks like or who it says it is. It's a Replicator."

"I know," I put a hand on his arm as the door opened.

Ronon followed me inside, taking up position near the wall behind me. He locked his gaze on the Replicator and barely blinked, his focus complete. It would have been intimidating from anyone but this was Ronon – I thought of him as a big brother but I don't think I could have taken that level of regard from him for too many minutes before I started feeling nervous ... and guilty.

"_Sabina_," the Replicator, who looked exactly like the previous one, Fran, smiled delightedly as soon as it caught sight of me.

"Elizabeth?" I half questioned. I'd decided I'd call it Elizabeth regardless of whether I truly believed it was her, just to avoid an awkward conversation where it tried to convince me.

"I know it's hard to comprehend, but yes," she replied. "My consciousness at least, and if you believe our memories and what we think and feel is what defines us, then the body doesn't matter. I'm still Elizabeth Weir."

She sounded like Elizabeth – that wise, considered approach, like every sentence had been thought out and planned in advance. It was a voice and a manner that didn't fit the body of Fran, who appeared young and in many ways inexperienced about life.

"John told me a lot of what happened after we left you on Asuras," I began.

"You're still together then?" Elizabeth seemed intent on making this a personal, friendly visit so I played along.

"Yeah," I held up my left hand and she caught sight of my rings immediately.

"Oh, you got married!" She laughed. "How wonderful."

"You're not surprised that John Sheppard would be the type to get married?" I asked curiously.

"Not at all," Elizabeth replied instantly. "He's an honourable, traditional man, one who takes his responsibilities very seriously. I always knew he'd insist on marrying you one day … it was obvious almost from the day you met that you'd end up together eventually."

"Not before I made it really hard on him," I joked with a rueful chuckle.

"How long have you been married?" Elizabeth asked.

I told her, very briefly giving her a run down on that trip to Earth and how it had led to the shortest of engagements. I don't know why – I hadn't planned to mention it – but before I could stop myself I was telling her that we were expecting our first child in August.

She might have been just a replicator, but her eyes still shone as she congratulated me. "You'll be wonderful parents," she declared.

"I hope so," I replied. "There are a lot of ways to mess it up."

"You'll be fine," Elizabeth reached forward to touch my hand but stopped abruptly when Ronon made a growling warning sound. With an unhappy sigh she withdrew, folding her hands together in her lap. "I'm happy for you Sabina, you and John. You both deserve to have the kind of family together that neither of you was given growing up."

"Thank you," I took a breath and then took the conversation where I wanted it to go. "I'm surprised you're so … welcoming, I guess is the word, towards me."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because John couldn't save us both, and if I hadn't been there, maybe he'd have found a way to get you out of there before this happened," I gestured to her unfamiliar body.

"I never blamed you Sabina," Elizabeth insisted. "You or John. Neither of you was responsible for what happened. If Rodney hadn't reactivated my nanites I would never have awoken after the explosion. I've always been glad I had the chance to do something that counted … for Atlantis."

"Part of me is kind of freaked out that this is the future you have now," I admitted, "but the rest of me is really glad to be able to speak to you. When I injected Oberon with the virus nanites I wondered what effect they'd have on you – I'd convinced myself I'd unintentionally destroyed you along with Oberon."

"No, just the opposite," Elizabeth replied. "Oberon was cut off from the rest of the nanites for a short time. The others didn't feel as he did, that I should be destroyed immediately. They believed I had something to offer so they absorbed me into their community, made me fully a Replicator like them. By the time Oberon was able to re-join the collective consciousness I was already ingrained, and able to hide that I still retained a full sense of my original self."

"Did Niam's friends work out why that was?" I asked curiously. "Why were you able to maintain your old self?"

"Again, I think I have you to thank for that," Elizabeth offered. "Because Oberon's ability to fully communicate with the others was cut off, their initial connection to me wasn't as strong or as complete as it should have been. I probably would have been wiped from existence if it had been. I understood what it meant and with the help of Niam's friends I was able to hide myself from the others, much as Niam's group had done for many years."

"Surely you can't thank me for that," I argued.

"Would I have preferred a quick end?" Elizabeth quizzed. "Obviously I would have known no different, but given what happened and that I _am_ here to talk about it, I appreciated the chance to make what happened meaningful. You don't often think about how you'd prefer to die, until something happens to remind you that you are mortal." She sighed sadly. "After Carson I did find myself thinking about it and although I certainly didn't have a preferred method, I knew I didn't want it to be because of an accident. I didn't want it to have no meaning. I wanted my death to count, to show that yes, there had been a reason for Elizabeth Weir to walk the Earth." She smiled. "Sounds far too lofty in hindsight, but I did get the chance to rewrite my death, from something pointless and wasteful to something that helped save Atlantis. I'm proud of that Sabina, and you should be too. I don't hold you responsible. In fact I want to thank you for your part in making it happen that way."

"Okay," I nodded. "Wow, that's pretty much everything I could have hoped you'd say." It felt strange ... too easy ... and therefore not sincere. I hated that I was suspicious that there was another agenda here, a reason for this Replicator to want to be on our good side.

"And it has you thinking that I couldn't possibly be Elizabeth Weir for real," the replicator concluded.

"I don't know … I guess not," I admitted. "No one is that well-adjusted."

"I've had a long time to think about this Sabina, to come to terms with it and see it for everything it was, and everything it wasn't," she explained. "If I'd spoken to you only months after it happened, when I was still trapped within the Replicator culture, you would have seen the anger and resentment you're looking for now. We might be replicators, but putting ourselves on the path to ascension, trying to let go of our burdens, all of that reflecting on our existence, served a dual purpose for me, because I let go of the burden of how I'd come to be where I was as well."

"I guess that's understandable," I allowed. "It makes sense."

"Well then, I'm glad I took the time to explain it," Elizabeth replied.

My radio clicked then and I smiled apologetically even as I tapped the button to open the channel.

"We're heading to the lockers," Major Lorne advised me. "I expect to see you here inside of five minutes, okay?" He knew where I was and I wasn't sure whether his 'hurry it up' was all coming from his own concerns about what I was doing, or had been prompted by John.

"I'm on my way," I promised, getting to my feet. "I'm sorry Elizabeth, I have an off world mission I need to gear up for."

"Still with Major Lorne's team?" Elizabeth asked.

I nodded.

"And does the good Major still have a crush on you?"

I frowned, shaking my head. "Evan's never had a crush on me," and silently I added in my head "_and the real Elizabeth would never have made a comment like that"_, because what purpose did it serve?"

"Perhaps you should ask him about it one day," Elizabeth suggested sagely.

I gave a non-committal shrug, glancing over at Ronon to see what he thought of the conversation. He gave me a bland kind of look that still urged me to hurry it up.

"Thanks for talking so openly with me Elizabeth," I said. "It helped a lot."

"I'm glad I could help Sabina," Elizabeth replied. "Perhaps you'll stop by again when you return so we can talk more."

I didn't want to make promises I wasn't sure John would let me keep. One fifteen minute conversation had pushed him. Striking up a friendship with a Replicator would probably be pushing him too far. I nodded vaguely, the end of the conversation made awkward because I didn't know what to say to finish it.

"Let's go," Ronon urged, putting a hand to my back and all but pushing me towards the door.

I raised a hand in a quick wave just as the doors closed behind us, cutting Elizabeth from view. "That was … kind of strange," I commented.

"No kidding," Ronon shot back.

"Are you going to hang around here?" I asked.

"Until it's dealt with," Ronon replied.

"Okay, well … be careful," I said a bit lamely.

"Don't worry – go with Lorne's team," Ronon advised. "Sheppard and I will look after things here while you're gone."

"Thanks Ronon," I patted his arm before taking my leave.

Evan made a show of pacing the locker room when I got there.

"I know, I know," I said, hurriedly grabbing the tac vest he'd thankfully prepared for me. It only took a few moments for me to get everything in place.

"How'd it go?" Evan asked as we walked behind our team mates towards the gate room. "Were you convinced it's really Doctor Weir?"

"For some of it yes, but I don't know … she said some things at the end that just didn't feel like 'Elizabeth Weir' things," I admitted. "Maybe she was just trying too hard to show me how well she knew all of us but it backfired."

"What'd she say?" Evan was curious now.

"You'll laugh because it's stupid and I don't think I should tell you because you'll probably get all grumpy and then I'll end up with the worse guard shifts tonight," I replied.

"Wait, Doctor Weir said something about me?" Evan frowned.

"Kind of," I admitted. "It's not important so just forget I mentioned it."

"Kind of hard to do that, now you've put it out there," Evan retorted.

I might have caved and told him about his supposed crush on me – and I'm sure he would have laughed along with me – but as soon as I spotted John waiting for us I put the whole Elizabeth conversation from my mind.

"Hey, this is nice," I smiled as I approached him. "Sending me off, huh?"

"Just making sure the Major knows his mission," John replied evasively. He turned to Evan then. "Don't rush your return … report in every twelve hours. We've got everything here under control."

"Yes Sir," Evan replied.

"So now you're trying to get rid of me," I commented. "That's a new one."

"Things are crazy here at the moment and I don't think it's wrong for me to want you somewhere safe, somewhere I know I don't have to worry about you."

"It's okay, I understand," I let him off the hook easily. "Besides, I've always wanted to spend more time in M5R's library. This way I get to look at everything at my leisure and Evan won't be able to give me all those silent hurry it up signals he's so good at."

John laughed. "Just be good, okay," he insisted.

"I'm always good," I retorted. "You make sure you're good as well."

"Ditto," John teased. Behind us the gate roared into life.

"Let's go," Evan ordered the team.

I nodded, glancing up at John. "I'll see you in a couple of days."

John grabbed my hands, pulling me forward and into his arms. He seemed to be drawing comfort from me, as much as I was from him and that was fine. "You'll tell me about your conversation with Elizabeth," he urged in a low tone, close to my ear.

"Of course, when I get back," I promised. I hesitated and then continued. "Be careful with her John. She might very well be Elizabeth but there are nuances there that make it feel slightly off. If it's her, she's changed, and in ways that make her unpredictable."

"Why do you say that?"

"It's stupid, I was just telling Evan the same thing," I began. "She was keen to hear about our personal lives which was fine, and said all the right things in her reactions but then, at the very end, she asked if Major Lorne still had a crush on me. That's just not Elizabeth. It was like she was trying to plant a spanner in the works, but I don't know why, or how she'd ever think that I would fall for something so obviously wrong. Maybe I'm just being suspicious and all she was doing was trying to show me it's really her by how much she knows, but to make that kind of comment? Elizabeth would never have done that."

"It does sound a little off," John agreed, his expression going carefully blank. My suspicions were immediately raised.

"What?" I demanded.

"They're waiting for you," John evaded, pointing to the still open wormhole.

"I'll go as soon as you tell me what that look was for," I shot back.

"Sabina," John warned.

"John," I warned back, not budging.

John glanced around to see how much of an audience we'd garnered and then gave an impatient sigh. "Fine, but don't go telling Lorne I told you," he said irritably. "There may have been a small window of time where Elizabeth's words could be considered the truth."

"Sorry?" I blinked. "You're telling me she wasn't lying? And this is something you clearly were already aware of?"

"A man forms an attachment to someone who personally I think is highly admirable and worth at least that much regard, he doesn't need a conversation about it," John explained, "and certainly not with the person he's formed that attachment to, and not when said attachment had already developed into something more appropriate long before now."

I blinked again, not sure I fully understood what he was saying. "Look, is this something I need to be worried about, or not?" I asked.

"Not, and its old news," John reassured me. "You think of Evan like a brother, right?"

I nodded.

"Well, he's thinking of you as his slightly annoying younger sister, so everything is as you think it should be," John gave me a stern look. "He doesn't need to be reminded of anything that happened in the past and you don't need to put credence on something that's only going to rob you of the comfort you get from an important friendship with someone who very much deserves it. Just trust me on this, okay?"

"Okay," I smiled, reassured. "I'll drop it then."

"Good plan," John quipped. He glanced back at the gate again. "You do realise we've just burned about a million dollars powering that wormhole."

"Don't exaggerate," I shot back, giving the gate a guilty look. I turned to go but John pulled me back again. "What now?" I demanded.

"Is that any way to talk to your husband when he's just trying to get the goodbye kiss he's fully entitled to?"

"Ah," I laughed, freeing my hands so I could grab the sides of his face and pull him down to me. I laid a hot kiss on him, putting a little steam into it before I let him go. "Will that do?"

"For now," he allowed, touching my face fondly. "Take care of yourself … and my boy."

"_Our_ boy," I corrected as he knew I would, my hand going to my only just slightly rounded stomach. Giving him an exasperated, fond look I turned and hurried through the gate.


	15. I wasn't there

**Author's Note:**

A special today, two chapters for the price of one! Thank you to my reviewers for each review - I appreciate your comments and your enthusiasm for the story. A belated happy birthday to happybear too - better late than never, right? Cheers, Sha

**Chapter 15: "I wasn't there."**

"Nice of you to join us," Evan said as soon as I made it to the other side of the wormhole.

"Oh, don't you start," I shot back irritably, earning a laugh from Alex and Colin, who always seemed to enjoy it when I failed to treat Lorne with the military level of respect his rank deserved.

"Are you going to tell me what Elizabeth said about me?" he asked as soon as we began our walk to the village.

"One, we still can't be sure that Replicator even is Elizabeth," I began, "and two, sure, if you really want to know. She said you had a crush on someone unattainable. I don't know for sure but I'm guessing she always thought a little matchmaking was just what you needed and was surprised I hadn't already done something about it ages ago. Apparently I was never the only one who thought you're too nice to be spending your life alone like you do."

"Did she tell you who she thought I was interested in?" Evan asked casually.

"You know I've always thought it was Teyla," I carefully didn't give him a yes or no answer. I wanted to protect his feelings but I couldn't outright lie to him. Thankfully he didn't put me in a position where I'd have to.

"How many times do I have to tell you you're way off track," Evan countered.

"A few more times yet," I returned. Slinging an arm around his waist casually I grinned over at him. "Of course, if you really want to convince me you'll let me fix you up with someone."

"You just never give up, do you?" he complained.

"Now, what kind of substitute little sister and friend would I be if I did that?"

He shook his head, laughing as he put his arm around me, hugging me quickly before letting me go. "You're a real treasure, you know that?" he said, putting that hint of sarcasm he was so good at into his voice so you always wondered just how serious he was being.

"I know, focus on the mission, right?" I quipped, happy to get things back to their usual footing.

"Right," Lorne agreed.

* * *

When it was time for the first check-in I decided to walk with Evan back to the gate. It was only about an hour and the walk would do me good.

I dialled while Evan stood ready to report. When I put my hand on the middle control, expecting the gate address to lock in and engage the inner wheel as it always did, I discovered the usual wasn't going to apply.

"It won't engage," I told Evan worriedly.

"Try again," he ordered, shifting to watch me punch in each symbol.

The same thing happened when I tried to get the address to lock in and I gave Evan a worried look.

"Dial one of the back-up addresses," the Major suggested.

"So we'll know whether it's this gate or the one on Atlantis causing the problem," I concluded, quickly dialling another address. The gate locked in instantly, creating a stable wormhole.

"Damn," I muttered. "I was hoping that wouldn't work.

"Let's not jump to conclusions here, okay," Evan advised. "The Atlantis gate could be down for any number of reasons. It wouldn't be the first time McKay took the whole system down for maintenance."

"True, but they would have told us if that was planned," I pointed out. "And it's hard not to jump to conclusions when you know there's a Replicator in the city capable of infiltrating all the systems who has eight friends just like her out there somewhere."

Evan nodded, acknowledging that we had cause to be concerned. "We'll make our excuses to the villagers and set up camp a few clicks from here," he decided. "That way we can attempt to dial in at regular intervals until we can establish a connection."

"And if we can't?" I couldn't help but ask. "What then?"

"Let's not borrow trouble," Evan evaded. "We can make another decision if the need arises. The first thing is to give them a chance to fix the gate, and we know that could take a while, even under the best conditions."

* * *

It took hours before we finally made progress dialling in. The time zones for M5R were similar enough to the planet Atlantis was on that I knew it was after dark there as well. When the kawhoosh burst forth the relief was palpable.

"About time," I declared, shifting to stand beside Evan as he made radio contact.

"Atlantis, this is Major Lorne," he began.

"We're reading you Major," it was John himself who replied.

"This is a new one Sir," Evan continued, "Atlantis making us late to check-in instead of the other way around."

"Just trying to keep you on your toes Lorne," John returned. "I'm assuming Sabina's there with you."

"Of course I am," I replied for myself. "And don't think you're getting off the hook telling us why you made us late for check-in. What's going on back there?"

"We _would_ appreciate an update Sir," Evan added, shooting me a look that reminded me getting grumpy and demanding wouldn't get us the best result.

"The rest of the Replicator's turned up," John said bluntly. "All but sunk the city before Woolsey managed to convince them to be reasonable."

"Reasonable how?" Evan asked.

"Reasonable as in us allowing them to be given Replicator bodies with all the same fail-safes as Elizabeth's," John explained, "on the understanding that they're restricted to the lab for the sole purpose of creating human bodies for themselves."

"Wow, that's some plan Sir," Evan looked at me, his expression probably similar to my own – disbelief that we'd been that accommodating.

"Yeah, well, when a bunch of energy beings with the ability to take over the entire city ask for a favour, it's amazing how accommodating you can be," John said irritably. Clearly the plan wasn't one he was happy with either.

"How long it is going to take?" I asked.

"No idea," John admitted. "I hope you like the weather there Sabina because I can't let you guys come back until this is finished."

"What?!" I gasped. "But that could take weeks John. I don't want to stay here that long!"

"I'd really like to return as well Sir," Evan added. "As second in command I wouldn't be fulfilling my duty staying away where it's safe when you could use my assistance there."

It wasn't like Evan to remind anyone of his position and I realised that maybe he had his own carry overs from that time when we lost Elizabeth. I'd have to talk to him about it when I got the chance.

"I understand that Major," John's voice lost a bit of its 'I'm talking to a friend as well as a subordinate' tone. "Right now you're responsible for the things of highest priority to me. You might disagree with my priorities but I wouldn't trust them to anyone ahead of you."

Nice going John. Give the man the biggest compliment you can while taking away what he really wants. That really left Evan nowhere to go and I could see the frustration on his face as he responded. "Yes Sir," he said reluctantly.

"Fine," John let out an audible breath. "Let's stick with the twelve hourly check-ins for now. We'll send through some supplies if this looks like it's going to drag on beyond a few days."

"Understood," Evan looked to me to see if I wanted to add anything before he closed the channel.

I shook my head … what was the point? John knew how I felt and letting him hear that I was upset wouldn't help either of us.

"If that's all Sir?" Evan queried.

I heard John sigh. "Yeah, that's all. Sabina, do what Major Lorne tells you to. I'll talk to you soon."

"I'm not a child John," I couldn't stop myself from retorting; probably sounding too much like the petulant adolescent I was denying I was. "Heck, in a few months I'm even going to be responsible for one – I think I can work out how to behave responsibly."

"I know … I just …," he paused. "I know this isn't what you want. I don't know what to say to make it all right. Just do this for me, please?"

"That'll work," I said in a lighter tone. "For you, I will refrain from complaining and will be the model team member."

Evan laughed. "I'll believe that when I see it!" and I heard John chuckle in response.

"Just think of it as a holiday of sorts," he offered.

"Leave it with me Sir," Evan said, getting an acknowledgement from John before he closed off the channel, shutting down the wormhole a few moments later.

I wasn't happy that John had isolated me from the city, from my home, and worse than that, that he'd put Evan somewhere he didn't want to be as a consequence. As the wormhole dissipated I let out a sigh, turning to Evan. "I'm really sorry," I said earnestly.

"What do you have to be sorry about?" he replied.

"You want to be there helping, but instead you're stuck on babysitting duty with me," I pointed out what I thought was obvious.

"Okay, just stop right there," he shot back, irritated.

"What?"

"What do you mean _what_?" he glared at me and suddenly I realised Evan was actually angry with me. It had been a long time since I'd felt ashamed of myself but his anger made me feel that way even though I didn't understand the source. He'd really only been truly angry with me a couple of times in the past - I hadn't liked it then and found I liked it even less now. It gave me a sick feeling inside, like one of the foundations of my life was under threat.

"I'm sorry," I said again miserably.

"Listen," he said, his tone softening. "We're a team. Did you forget that?"

I shook my head.

"Right, so maybe you just forgot what that means," he commented. "Because otherwise you would know there's nothing to apologise for. This isn't babysitting duty Sabina – it never has been and just because you've got more at stake now, doesn't change that."

"I know, but I can't help but feel that if I wasn't here, you wouldn't have to stay put either," I persisted.

"Right, and if Colin wasn't part of the team we wouldn't have to avoid the big celebration banquet things," he agreed, reminding me that our team mate was deathly allergic to a couple of things that could kill him if we weren't careful. "And if I wasn't on the team we wouldn't pull so many diplomatic trade agreement missions," he added. "Team dynamics and team makeup dictate a lot of things Sabina, you should know that. We play to our strengths and back up each other's weaknesses. We continually challenge each other to do more and do better. That's what makes for a strong team."

"And right now, me being John Sheppard's wife is a weakness," I muttered.

Evan laughed suddenly. "Honey, that's been a weakness from day one!"

I grimaced, knowing he might be joking but there was an underlying element of truth in it. "But the strengths compliment that, right?"

"Hell yes," Evan grinned. "No way would we have pulled so many 'interesting' missions without you around. You have a knack for finding the bizarre. We'd all have been bored stupid by now without you."

"Fine, well I'm glad you feel positive enough to joke about it," I said a bit stiffly. Maybe I did get mixed up in crazy stuff from time to time but I liked to think the end results always benefited the city … eventually.

"Look, do I want to be back on Atlantis right now?" Evan relented, treating my concerns seriously. "Sure, of course I do. Do I understand why that's not gonna happen? Again, yes. I'm career military Sabina – I've had a lot of years to get used to going where they tell me to go."

"But this is different, because of Elizabeth, isn't it?"

"Maybe," he admitted. He gave me a sidelong look. "I wasn't there," he said simply.

"Because you'd already done that crazy assed flight with an asteroid," I pointed out.

"Yeah, but when you guys were facing death and the destruction of the city, I was tucked up safe on the Apollo," he persisted. "I should have been with the city – to fly a Jumper when the asteroid field hit, and to take command of the city instead of that burden falling to Teyla."

"True, you could have been there doing all those things," I agreed, "and you know what?"

"What?" he asked.

"The end result would have been the same, except maybe something else went wrong," I spelled out starkly. "Maybe you were the one too close to the window … or leading the team too far out from the central tower when the shields contracted. Maybe you end up being one of the ones that didn't make it that day. It might bother you that you weren't there but I for one am deeply glad that none of those other scenarios were possible. I like you just where you are."

Evan blinked … for once I'd actually rendered him speechless.

"It sucks to have questions, to do the 'what ifs'," I said after a few moments of silence. "I've been doing that with regard to Elizabeth since it happened. What if I'd stayed behind? What if I'd never asked Rodney to develop that nanite program? Hell, what if I'd been just a bit faster and a bit smarter in the first place, back when we met the Replicators? Elizabeth would never have been infected and the Replicators may have continued in blissful ignorance for another thousand years!"

"That's a lot to put on one person," Evan pointed out.

"It is, but sometimes one person is that important," I replied. "Like John, and waking the Wraith and how although it was bad because of the culling, ultimately it will lead to freeing this galaxy from living under the shadow of the threat they pose."

"So did talking to the Replicator help you put aside those 'what ifs'?" Evan asked. "Maybe I should think about talking to it too, once they've sorted out the current mess."

"It helped but not because of anything Elizabeth said," I admitted. "I think what it really did was just illuminate my problem areas, the things I thought I'd let go of but really hadn't. Now that I'm aware of it, now that I finally understand there can't be the kind of closure I'd like, I think I really can put it behind me."

"We sure do live in a crazy assed world, huh?" he commented. "Where else could someone you know is gone reappear? First Carson, and now this."

"How did John say Rodney put it way back then?" I thought for a moment. "Oh yeah – death isn't what it used to be."

"Too true!" Evan laughed. "Okay, let's get back to camp and fill the others in on the current plan. We'll see if the villagers can lend us what we'll need for a longer stay. Otherwise we'll make a list to relay to Atlantis at our next check-in."

* * *

We were in radio range of the gate so that if Atlantis dialled in between check-ins we'd be able to talk to them. I didn't expect anything – John had made it clear this was going to be a longer stay – so when our radios crackled to life less than two days later, we were all surprised.

"Major Lorne, this is Atlantis," Chuck's voice announced.

"We're here," Evan advised.

"Major," John's voice this time. "Pack up your gear and head back to the city."

"It's done?" Evan looked over at me in surprise. "That was quick."

It was good news but at the same time not. If eight – no nine, because I had to include Elizabeth – Replicators could construct human bodies for themselves that quickly, what else would they ultimately be capable of?

"It's done … in a manner of speaking," John agreed. "I'll fill you in when you get here."

"Understood, Lorne out." Evan glanced around at the rest of the team. "Let's break camp with speed people – I for one want to know what's been happening back on Atlantis."

We all did, and with quick efficiency we'd taken down the tents and repacked all the gear. A short walk to the gate and then moments later we were stepping through, back home.

John met us at the gate, wordlessly taking my hand as he escorted us to the infirmary for the usual checks. He seemed to need the personal assurance from Doctor Keller that once again gate travel had proven perfectly safe for me and that the baby was fine.

Afterwards, we had a quick debrief on our own activities before John told us about Elizabeth and the other Replicators.

"So they're floating out in space?" Evan queried with a grimace.

"Yeah, but Rodney's pretty sure that after the first few moments they wouldn't be aware of it," John assured him.

"Still, that's a pretty cruel way to go," Evan commented.

"For us, but don't forget these were Replicator bodies," John reminded us. "They wouldn't have felt any pain. At the end of the day Elizabeth insisted that it was the only solution. We had no other option but to go along with her wishes."

"Yes Sir," Lorne nodded.

There were a few more general comments to finish the mission before John dismissed everyone. I stayed as Evan and the others left, waiting until John and I were alone.

"Was it really as easy as you made all that sound?" I asked quietly, putting my hand over where his rested on the conference room table.

"God no," John returned. "We just barely averted total disaster and we wouldn't have done it without Elizabeth."

"So she saved us again?"

"Yeah, I guess she did, but after putting us in danger in the first place," he agreed. "I won't deny that it hurt to let her go like that but maybe it was more about letting go of that last remaining hope that somehow we could rescue her."

"Yeah, you want closure but when you have it and it's not the way you wanted it to go down, it always comes with mixed feelings." I sighed. "No matter how inconceivable, when you don't have the answers it's easy to convince yourself that anything is still possible."

John hesitated and then shrugged. "You know, I'm still not fully convinced it was her, not our Elizabeth anyway. You were right – there was something that was just a little off. It's what led to them coming here in the first place and it wasn't until after I pointed that out to the Replicator Elizabeth that she relented and came up with the different plan."

"You guilted her into it, you mean?"

"Maybe," John allowed.

"But then doesn't that suggest some of Elizabeth was influencing things?" I questioned. "A guilt trip only works on someone because they have the capacity to feel guilt. I wouldn't have said a Replicator had that capacity, not on its own."

"True, and yet I'm still on the fence about who that really was," John admitted.

"Maybe Rodney was right when he said death isn't what it used to be, with the caveat that coming back isn't what it seems either," I offered. "Carson is different now and appearance aside, Elizabeth was too … maybe that's not a bad thing. No one should be able to cheat death like that."

"Yeah, but we'd all be dead if Elizabeth hadn't," John pointed out.

"True," I agreed. "So what does it all mean then?"

"The heck if I know!"

I laughed and after a moment so did John. "Let's agree there's a deep meaning of life thing in there somewhere that neither of us is enlightened enough to understand," he suggested.

"Works for me," I agreed. "That's why neither of us is suited to ascension."

"Amen to that!"


	16. No artificial mood enhancers required

**Author's Note:**

Apologies for the long delay between chapters - real life busyness has really been getting in the way. This chapter goes out with a shout out to BrnEyesTX - Happy Birthday! Thanks for reading.

**Chapter 16: "No artificial mood enhancers required here."**

When a wormhole failed to disengage, it usually made it around the city grapevine pretty quickly – mostly because it hadn't happened all that often. Getting to witness the theoretical thirty eight minute wormhole limit was interesting, if you happened to live closely with and walk through one on a regular basis like we did.

The fact that it was John's team stuck on the other side of that theoretical limit – for the second time in his career which must be some kind of record – only ensured that the rumour mill would act quickly to bring me the news.

I decided to go down to the gate room despite there being nothing I could do, because the open wormhole would mean communications were still enabled and knowing John, he'd already be bored and out of sorts with the delay.

"How long has it been now?" I asked Chuck after arriving in the control room.

"Seventeen minutes and counting," Chuck replied, nodding to his computer screen where he had a counter running so that everyone could keep track. "The gate is mostly under water and Doctor McKay believes it's the constant pressure at the event horizon that's keeping the wormhole open."

"The gate thinks there's something trying to get through," I concluded. "Or is it that the water _is_ getting through? Maybe the entire wormhole between here and the research site is full of water … would that help get the levels down faster?"

"Maybe you should ask Doctor McKay," Chuck suggested, mostly I think because he wanted to get my muttered questions out of his earshot.

"Can I talk to them?" I asked.

"The channel's open," Chuck pressed a button, nodding to my earwig to say I could hook in.

"Offworld team, this is Sabina, how are you all doing there?" I asked as I moved to the side, out of the way.

"How do you think?" Rodney complained bitterly. "We're cold and wet and sitting on top of a Stargate, which in case you're wondering is less than comfortable. Did I mention that it's cold … and wet?"

"You did," I said lightly. "How's the water level?"

"It's a little lower but it's slow going," John replied then. "At the rate it's dropping it's going to be hours after the gate shuts down before we'll be able to dial in to come home."

"Can we use the wormhole itself to speed up the process?" I asked.

"How so?" Rodney queried, sounding interested.

"I was just thinking," I said slowly, my mind still mulling over the problem, "when a person comes through the gate and we close the shield they still make the trip – they just go splat when they arrive. There's nothing there stopping the water going into the wormhole – wouldn't that mean it's travelling through the wormhole too and getting destroyed when it hits the shield?"

"Huh," Rodney muttered, surprised. "In theory that could be what's happening. Is there any evidence of impact at the event horizon?"

"I'm not hearing the sound people make when the shield stops them," I reported back. "If it was constant though we might not."

"True," Rodney said distractedly. "Look, for the gate to successfully transport anything through a wormhole it has to convert physical matter into energy patterns and then reconstruct it at the other end. It only recognises that it has something to transport when it registers a complete pattern entering the system."

"And the water, because it's continuous, might not register as complete," I concluded. "So it's still waiting for the full entity to enter the wormhole?"

"Probably," Rodney agreed. "That's the most logical reason for the gate not to have disengaged. I don't know if that will still be the case if the connection gets shut off. There are safety protocols to stop partial patterns from being configured but again, a large body of water may not qualify."

"So we could end up with all the water hitting the shield simultaneously?" That didn't sound like it would be a good thing. "Have we tested how much force the shield can withstand?"

"Not precisely, but we don't need to," Rodney replied. "Placing the shield at the event horizon doesn't allow for anything to regain physical form. It shouldn't matter if it's a person or a tank or just plain water … assuming the digital volume doesn't max out the buffer."

"What happens if it does?" I asked worriedly.

"Nothing … probably," Rodney suggested.

"Well, that's reassuring," I muttered.

I heard John laugh in the background. "Is the rescue team ready to go as soon as the wormhole disengages?" he asked.

I looked to Chuck and he nodded. "Of course," I replied.

"You won't be on that Jumper Sabina," John stated firmly, "even if Lorne's flying it."

"God, you take the fun out of everything," I joked. "Of course I'm not going to argue to be included. It sounds like you have everything under control there. I'll make sure they've got all the get warm and dry quick gear on board but that's the sum total of my involvement."

"Okay, that's fine," John replied. His voice had an audible shiver in it so I knew just how cold and miserable they probably all were. "I should have known that's what you'd say … the cold is making our brains sluggish."

"Hey," Rodney protested. "Speak for yourself! My brain is perfectly fine, despite you know, being miserable with cold and running a fever."

"I'll make sure they have Tylenol on board Rodney," I promised.

* * *

John's estimate proved accurate – it was almost ten hours before the rescue Jumper returned with team Sheppard on board. By the time they did I'd gone from a certain level of comfort with their situation to frustration and concern given the environment they were stuck in. John was non the worse for wear but Rodney's condition had taken a nose dive and it was disturbing to see him being carried to the infirmary by Ronon. Awake he'd have been squawking at the indignity of it.

Thankfully he recovered quickly and the whole gate under water incident was put to rest.

"It was the weirdest thing, sitting on top of the gate," John admitted when I asked him later that night how he'd handled it. "Not something you can even imagine doing on an ordinary day. Those things are massive."

"For which I am truly thankful," I pointed out. "What if …,"

"_No_, no what ifs," John cut me off abruptly. "The gate was there, it gave us the safe haven we needed. Given what happened to Doctor Nichol's research team, once we were in the Jumper and we could see how widespread the flooding was …," he trailed off.

"You were lucky," I said softly.

"We were," he agreed.

* * *

"Sabina, have I got the research mission for you!"

I glanced up to see Rodney all but skipping into my lab, sporting of all things a wide grin.

"Okay, whoever gave you the happy juice needs to lay off, seriously," I said.

"Happy juice?" Rodney looked confused for a moment and then laughed. "Oh, no … no artificial mood enhancers required here." He looked far too proud of himself. My eyes narrowed as I regarded him more closely.

"Okay then, what's got you so happy?"

"Can't a guy just be happy for no reason?"

"A 'guy'," I did the air quotes as I continued, "sure. _You_? No, at least not in my experience of your usual disposition."

"Well, then I'm a changed man," Rodney quipped. "No more grumpy sarcasm."

"There's really not as much wrong with grumpy sarcasm as you think Rodney," I said more seriously. "I'm kind of fond of grumpy sarcasm myself." I remembered suddenly a conversation back after he'd broken up with Katie, about needing to be himself. "This is about a woman isn't it? Who is she?"

"Not telling," Rodney returned.

"I won't tell anyone else," I promised, curious now about who could have given the usually moody man so much incentive to act differently.

"There's really nothing to tell Sabina, at least not yet," Rodney said, his expression open and friendly in a way I found faintly concerning. Since when was Doctor Rodney McKay so comfortably in touch with his feelings?

When I told John about it later he asked me what most troubled me about the encounter.

"The fact that I couldn't handle an outwardly happy Rodney McKay," I admitted. "That makes me a bad friend, doesn't it? That I'd rather Rodney be his usual miserable irritable self because that's what I'm comfortable with."

"Of course not," John dismissed. "We're all used to the old Rodney. It'll take a while to adjust to the new and improved version, assuming he can keep it up."

"You think he's putting on an act?"

"Not exactly," John allowed. "I just don't think anyone can change that much … eventually he'll revert to type."

"Well, I hope not all the way. If he could tone it down it might be nice to see an occasional smile," I replied.

"So, what was the mission?" John asked curiously.

"M82-359. Rodney thinks he's found an information repository there," I revealed. "Kind of like those Asgard head sucking things General O'Neill told us about. Only this one would contain a complete record of Ancient history, going back to when they first arrived in this galaxy."

"Rodney was right – that does sound like just the mission for you."

"Well, all he's got at the moment is a gate address," I shrugged. "I checked the database and it looks like as safe a location as any we get here. A long way from Wraith outposts or planets we know are home to Wraith sympathisers. I asked Evan to put it on the roster."

"So you're not pushing to go there straight away?" John seemed surprised.

"It's just information," I pointed out, "and maybe not a great deal more than we already have in the Atlantis database, and we still haven't worked our way through what's in that. Besides, I've learned after four years not to get my hopes up about anything that's got the Ancient label on it."

"True," John agreed, "but the potential benefits make it a priority ahead of some of the other exploratory missions."

"And I might as well go now rather than later when I might be pregnancy challenged?" I asked.

John laughed. "There's nowhere I can take that that doesn't lead to trouble," he pointed out. "Let's just say that I read some of that pregnancy information Jennifer gave us and one of the things it mentioned was the drain on your energy and stamina the further in we get. Once you get past the stage where you even want to go through the gate it's gonna be a while before you get back to where you're at now."

I nodded, considering his words and realising that he was right. If I wanted to enjoy any more true research style missions off world I would need to do them sooner rather than later.

"I'll talk to Lorne in the morning," John promised.

* * *

True to his word John discussed the roster of upcoming missions the following day. I'd already done the research on the risk side of things and so it didn't take much to convince Mr Woolsey that we should go. We geared up and headed out in the early afternoon.

John and Rodney were both in the gate room when we left.

"Have fun on M82 …" Rodney paused, a flash of confusion passing over his face before he finished the gate address "ah, three … three five eight."

"M82-359," I corrected. It wasn't like Rodney to forget anything or to get a gate address wrong. In fact, I don't think it had ever happened before, as far as I knew. "Have you been getting enough rest?" I asked him, concerned. "You're not working on some side project that's got you staying up all night again, are you?"

"No, of course not," Rodney laughed, dismissing my concerns. "Go, bring us back an Ancient information repository."

"If it's anything like the Asgard equivalent it won't exactly be portable," I reminded him. "I'm taking the biggest computer storage units we have so with any luck we'll be able to download plenty of new information to keep even you busy for a while."

"Neat," Rodney grinned.

"Okay buddy, step aside so I can say goodbye to my wife," John cut in, putting a hand on Rodney's shoulder to muscle him aside. Rather than protest or look offended as he usually would, Rodney just laughed. And the way he looked at John – there was fondness and respect and a deep abiding friendship plainly visible in his expression. It wasn't that I didn't know Rodney felt all those things for John – I knew he considered John his closest friend, and I also knew that John's opinion and regard was vitally important to the scientist. I just wasn't used to being able to read all those emotions so easily in Rodney's expression. Usually he'd snark past the point of ridiculous in an effort not to admit that anyone was that important to his wellbeing.

"Is it just me, or is there something not quite right about Rodney?" I asked John in an undertone.

John glanced at his friend but then shrugged. "He seems fine to me, aside from the continuing excess of joviality."

"So you're not concerned?" I checked.

"Nah, he's fine," John dismissed. He put his hands to my elbows and leant back a bit so he could take in the full picture. "You know, to anyone observant enough, you're actually looking pregnant now." His eyes went to my middle where a small but respectable baby bump was finally emerging.

"Yeah, it's kind of weird, isn't it?" I replied. "I really need to do something about the clothing situation, because no way can I borrow anything that Teyla wore while she was pregnant."

John chuckled. "The height differential alone would make that really interesting … for me," he gave me a faintly leering look, making me laugh.

"A problem to fix another day," I said. "For now I have information to conquer."

"Then go, conquer," John drew me forward for a casual kiss before he let me go, turning to where Major Lorne and the others waited patiently. "Keep in touch," he told Evan. "If there's any sense the planet isn't uninhabited, report in before you make any decisions about how to proceed."

"Yes Sir," Evan agreed. "You ready?" he asked me.

"Indeed," I grinned. "Let's get on with it."

I glanced back at John just before I stepped through the event horizon. He was watching as he commented on something to Rodney that had the other man laughing. They looked happy … I would have paid more attention, held that picture in my mind as a permanent fixture, if I'd known how long it would be before John looked that content again.


	17. It's been closed up a long time

**Chapter 17: "It's been closed up a long time."**

M82-359 was a leafy, green world, with plentiful trees and the sounds of small creatures rustling in the leaves to make walking through them a little more interesting. Following Mr Woolsey's new protocols, we'd sent a MALP through the gate first and based on what we'd seen, decided on a westerly route. There were vague hints of what used to be a well-worn path leading away from the Stargate – it was overgrown now but it gave us a starting point, assuming there would have been regular travel between the repository and the gate.

"Alex, you and Colin scout ahead," Evan ordered. "Radio if you see any signs of habitation."

"Yes Sir," Alex nodded to his team mate and the two men quickened their pace, opening a gap that eventually saw them disappearing through the trees ahead.

"I hope this isn't special treatment," I commented once they were gone.

"It's not," Evan said simply. "Given most of the intel we have on this place dates back to the Atlantis database, it makes sense to spread the team out."

"You mean, just in case something happens?"

"Sure, that, and the fact that the guys will be able to give us advance warning if there's anything on this planet we need to worry about."

I nodded – it made sense.

We walked quietly for a while before Evan spoke again. "Would it be a problem if it was special treatment?" he asked.

"Yes, especially if it put the rest of you in danger," I replied immediately. "Why?"

"Nothing really," he said, and then shrugged. "We're not there yet but at some point I am going to start treating you special – I don't think I'll be able to help it. Alex and Colin too … it's going to come too naturally for us to switch it off."

"Like getting up and giving your seat to a pregnant lady on a bus?" I sighed but acknowledged that it would be silly and illogical to expect different. They were men, the kind who signed up for life to serve their countries. They were natural protectors who'd step up to protect anyone they thought needed it, without waiting to be asked. Of course they were going to feel the need to protect me, the more obviously pregnant I became.

"Have you thought any more about how long you're going to stick with the off world schedule?" Evan asked.

"I knew there was a reason you separated us from the others!" I glared at him. "Did you think I was going to have an emotional outburst or something?"

"No, strangely I thought you might appreciate the privacy rather than have everyone knowing that's what we're doing," Evan said quietly and his very tone made me feel ashamed.

"Sorry," I touched a hand to his arm in apology. "I haven't thought about when I'm going to quit … and I know John wants me to make a decision too. It's just that once I do …," I trailed off.

"Once you do it makes the big changes that are coming impossible to ignore," Evan concluded.

"You really have got this whole pregnant female support thing down, haven't you?"

"Am I wrong?"

I sighed. "No, you're not wrong."

"This kid is something you and John wanted, right?" Evan asked.

"Oh course!" I shot back. "I have no doubts about that at all – having a child, sharing all of that with John, is going to be amazing. It's just the part between being massively pregnant and having that lovely baby to dote over that worries me."

"Women have been having babies for a long time," Evan commented lightly.

"I know, and I'm not worried exactly, I just don't know what to expect."

"Then talk to Doctor Keller," he suggested. "Talk to Teyla."

"It's not just that," I admitted. "There were these photos."

"Photos?" Evan frowned, confused about what photos would have to do with my fears.

"Three of them, that Rod – Rodney's counterpart from the alternate reality – brought with him," I revealed.

"And one of them has you scared about giving birth?" Evan asked, trying to understand my reservations.

"I'll have to show it to you some time," I muttered. "One of them is one of those just after birth shots, with the scrunched up red faced baby and the Mom looking exhausted."

"But happy too?"

"Sure, that other me looked almost delirious with happiness," I agreed. "But she was also really pale and if you look at it closely you can see someone else's hand helping to support the baby. She was too weak to hold it by herself. I'm a strong woman Evan, strong and fit, because I work at it. Childbirth would have to be pretty horrific to render me that weak. Who knows what she went through before that picture was eventually taken!"

"First and foremost, that picture isn't you," Evan said firmly. "Child birth happened at a different point in her life and you have no way of knowing if that Sabina even went down the same kind of path that you have. Maybe she's not even on an off world team, and maybe she doesn't run hard every morning or train with Teyla and Ronon the way you do."

"True, but maybe she did," I countered. "She's enough like me to win over John Sheppard. I don't think that would happen if she was a girlie kind of woman."

Evan laughed. 'Yeah, I can't really see you as that kind of woman, so in that you're probably right."

"I'm being silly, aren't I?"

"Ah … maybe, just a bit," Evan agreed kindly. "Listen, Colonel Sheppard found out a lot about the future when he was sent forward, right?"

"Yes, not that he told any of us the specifics," I confirmed.

"Right, so if there was something to worry about, don't you think he'd already be working out a solution?"

I blinked, realising abruptly that Evan was right. "So what you're saying is that because John doesn't seem to be doing anything to plan for a horrific child birthing, which he would if needed, even though he could never tell us the details, it must mean there's nothing horrific to plan for."

"Exactly," Evan exclaimed. "Now, if he's not worried, why should you be?"

I thought about it for a moment and then nodded. I should have thought of that myself. "I can put my faith in that reasoning, for now."

"Good, then I'm glad we had this chance to talk," Evan smiled faintly. "And if you can use that brain power to make some decisions about how long you'll be staying on the off world ledger, that would be handy."

"Already got my replacement lined up, huh?" I joked.

"No, but I do have a couple of possibilities – people who'll fill in until you can come back but already have a team spot of their own," Evan explained.

"Really?" I was suddenly touched. Knowing how much I'd worried about losing my place on the team, Evan had come up with a solution that would still meet the requirement that he get someone to make up the four, while minimising the chances that the new team fit would be so good they'd have to continue it into the future.

"Don't go getting mushy on me," Evan warned, holding up a hand as if to ward me off. "It was an idea and Colonel Sheppard agreed it would serve multiple purposes. I'll observe and evaluate a couple of the more promising officers while you're on leave from off world duty. If they do well, they'll get assigned a team of their own."

"I like it," I grinned, "especially as I won't have to feel bad for resenting whoever gets my spot. This way I'm actually doing someone a favour, taking a break to have the baby."

"So you'll think about when you're going to quit off world travel?" Evan persisted.

"Yes, I'll think about it," I promised. "I'll talk to John too. You'll have your answer within a week or so. Is that soon enough?"

"Yeah, sure, of course - that'll be fine," Evan looked relieved and I realised he really had been dreading bringing the difficult subject up. "Thanks Sabina."

"No, thank _you_ Evan," I said earnestly.

* * *

The rest of the walk through the trees passed in a pleasant kind of silence that allowed us to just enjoy the peace and quiet of the place. As if the Gods of this place where present and watching over us, for once a mission turned out to be exactly as advertised. We came out of the trees to find a small structure, shrubbery overgrown around it to both protect it from the elements and obscure it from view. We examined the building and discovered what looked like the front door, blocked by more vegetation.

"Alex, cut through the vines," Evan ordered.

Alex made quick work of the task, Colin pitching in to help drag branches away, dumping them in a small pile to the side so we could camouflage the structure again when we were done.

"Okay," Evan said once the door was clear. He moved forward cautiously, swiping a hand over the controls at the side. There was a pause and then the door slid open with a faint grinding sound, much slower than Ancient doors usually opened.

"It's been closed up a long time," I commented, watching as Evan shifted, allowing air to circulate for a few moments as he shone his P90 torch light into the darkness.

"Yeah, it didn't seem all that eager to open, did it," Lorne agreed.

"Can we go see what's inside?"

"Stay behind me, and don't touch anything until we've confirmed the purpose of this place," Evan advised, taking point.

He moved forward, panning his torch light slowly back and forth. What was revealed was a small, square room, with some wall decorations reminiscent of Ancient interior design. At the centre was a console, a single screen mounted above it.

"Anything here explaining what this place is for?" Evan asked, slowly walking the perimeter, his attention on the walls.

"Let me look," I moved to his side, eyeing the walls intently as Evan walked a complete circuit around the room again.

"Any recognisable words? A 'welcome to our library, it's perfectly safe' message maybe?" he asked hopefully.

"Nothing like that," I replied with a small smile. "There are a few words scattered here and there, but they're more like decoration, although they are similar enough they suggest a purpose."

"Which would be?" Evan prompted.

"Well, you've got enlightenment," I began, pointing to one set of Ancient symbols, "and truth here. Over on the next wall is knowledge and education, and on the last wall its history and culture. Combine all of that and it sounds like Rodney was right – this is meant to be a library for the Ancients."

"Maybe they meant it to be a backup to the database on Atlantis," Colin suggested. "So if anything happened to the city there would still be a record of their presence here."

"You could be right," I agreed. "It's like offsite backup – a place to keep things secure and far enough away that the backups don't go the same way as the originals, if they get destroyed somehow."

"Can you access it?" Evan nodded to the console.

"I can try," I said, moving towards the unit. I tried putting my hand where an operator would have stood first, not really expecting anything to happen. No one had been there for thousands of years after all. I don't know why I was surprised – Atlantis itself came back to life after 10,000 years when we arrived. If there was one thing the Ancients had been good at, it was making things that stood the test of time. In this case, their back up information system sprang to life as if it had been dormant for days instead of centuries. The screen above flickered to life, displaying a 'welcome' screen.

"That never gets old," I murmured, smiling as I read over the words the Ancients left as instruction.

"No, it doesn't," Evan said, moving to stand beside me. "What does it say?"

"You know, I think it's about time you learnt a bit more Ancient," I told him.

"I know a few words," he said a bit defensively.

"Yeah, the obvious ones like 'turn on here'," I teased, "but wouldn't you like to come to a place like this and have enough knowledge to get the gist of these instructions without having to ask me?"

He shrugged. "It's not on the list of essential skills," he pointed out.

"True, because most teams don't go out there deliberating looking for Ancient devices to acquire," I returned. "I think your team has the monopoly on that, meaning -"

"Meaning knowing more than a few words of Ancient probably is an essential skill," he conceded. Glancing at where Alex and Colin were standing, examining the walls as they stayed alert just in case our situation changed suddenly, Evan smirked. "Fine, I'll learn some more Ancient as long as you teach all of us."

"Team building over language lessons," I commented, watching as both men grimaced, knowing better than to protest too much. "It'll be fun."

"If you say so," Alex muttered under his breath.

"Now, since that's all decided, what does it say?" Evan repeated, nodding towards the screen.

"The first part is an 'everyone is welcome' greeting, providing free access to anyone seeking the wisdom of the Atlantians – with of course some one of the ancient blood along to supervise – to get everything working," I explained. "The next part just tells us that the repository is divided into sections to allow exploration around topics of interest. Given the likely volume of information contained here, it'll help us focus our priorities, since we won't be able to take everything."

"What are our options?"

"Let's see," I pressed the equivalent of the next page button, bringing up a list of subject areas. "Okay, so we've got History – three subtopics; the period covering the Wraith war, the time between that and them arriving in this galaxy, and the time preceding that."

"The last one might be interesting," Evan said. "I remember Doctor Jackson commenting a while back that our knowledge of the Ancients around the time they left our galaxy was very sketchy."

"We'd certainly win some points with Daniel if we could fill in some of those blanks," I agreed. "After history, there's Society – who knows what they'd cover under that one; Culture; Advancement; and Religion."

"Nothing specific about defences or weapons," Evan commented.

"Not at this level," I agreed. "I expect that Advancement would be what we'd call technology so if there's anything about defences that's where it would be. Given this is essentially a public library of sorts I wouldn't be too hopeful for anything specific there. Apart from what we've already learned from what was documented about the Wraith war. To be honest, I don't think there's going to be anything new in that area anyway – we've pursued a number of the unfinished plans they had to defeat the Wraith and I think we can all agree they were probably unfinished for a reason."

"Oh, I don't know, I still think we managed to get something out of them," Evan countered.

"True, but if you're asking for my opinion on what might be here that hasn't been retained in the Ancient database I'd look under history and maybe religion, depending on how interested we are in knowing more about ascension."

Evan considered the options for a moment and then nodded. "Start with history – just the first two. I think we already have everything we need to know about what happened once the Wraith emerged. If we've got time we can pick another topic after that."

"And space," I added, shouldering off my pack and kneeling to open it. I pulled out one of the portable hard drive like things that Rodney had come up with a while back when it became clear that even terabyte sized traditional hard drives were too small to meet our needs in the Pegasus galaxy. He'd designed it specifically to interface with Ancient tech, including easy to plug in leads attached so that all you had to do was locate the right place to plug them in.

Pulling the access panel, I considered the crystals slotted into various places in the usual orderly fashion. Deciding on one, I removed it, replacing it with Rodney's special one. Standing I checked to make sure the display hadn't changed. "Let's see if we can download," I murmured, straightening and choosing the history option first, and then the time immediately preceding the beginning of the Wraith period.

Options appeared and I grinned when I saw that the way we downloaded things on Atlantis would work here too – the Ancients hadn't provided a 'download now' option but the way Rodney had us hooked in, if we ran things on the screen they would automatically get saved to the external unit at the same time, assuming there were no security features to prevent it. "It's working," I announced. "Now we just have to wait for the unit to fill up."

"How long will that take?"

I checked the readings on space usage on the storage device – another feature Rodney had designed so we'd know at a glance where we were at – and frowned, doing the math. "Probably a couple of hours," I admitted.

"And how many storage units did you bring?" Evan continued.

"Three," I answered. "As Rodney would say, they don't grow on trees – plus they're heavy so three is all I could manage with the kind of hike we had to do to get here."

"So we're talking six hours at a minimum," Evan concluded. When I nodded he turned to Alex. "Alex you stay here to guard Sabina. Colin and I will go and canvas the immediate area, see if there's anything interesting about this place, aside from the repository."

"Yes Sir," Alex said briskly.

"Stick with collecting as much information as you can about the Ancients before the Wraith," Evan advised. "Then, if there's space, move on to the Society topic. I'm curious," he added when I raised a brow, surprised by his choice. "Besides, we can always send another team here for an extended stay to collect everything else. Keep in radio contact – we'll check in every hour on the hour."


	18. You think we should have noticed sooner?

**Chapter 18: "You think we should have noticed sooner?"**

The day settled into the monotony many research missions provided. It really wasn't all running and scary Wraith villains. Most of the time things were far less exciting. Evan checked in regularly as promised, revealing that there were signs a small settlement had been located a short distance away, probably to maintain the facility at first and then later because the locals would have believed being close to something created by the Ancients would be good luck for them. "Looks like they moved on a long time ago," Evan advised.

"Or were culled," I added.

"Maybe, although there aren't any signs that point to that," Evan returned. "How are you doing on the downloading?"

"Slowly, but we're getting there," I reported. "Give me another two and a half hours and I'll have gotten everything we can fit in for this trip."

"Okay, see you in a couple of hours then."

* * *

When we made our way back to the gate late in the day, just as dusk was falling on the planet, it was with a sense of accomplishment. My pack was no heavier and yet it felt weightier with the knowledge and information I'd collected that day, material it would take me months to work through.

John wasn't there when we walked through the gate but I didn't think anything of it – it wasn't unusual that he'd have other responsibilities.

"Sabina," I turned to see Chuck motioning me over. "Colonel Sheppard asked to me request that you stop by his office before you go to the infirmary for your post mission check-up," he said.

"Oh, okay," I smiled, turning around to where Evan and the others waited for me to catch up. "I need to go see John," I told them. "I'll catch up with you later, okay?"

Evan nodded. "Dinner in the mess – if you don't end up having other plans," he invited. We were back later than usual Atlantis time – the dinner hour long over.

Leaving them to head to the infirmary I went in the opposite direction, towards John's office. It was a small space, a little cluttered because John always held on to the paperwork for a while before I suspect Lorne snuck in there to relieve him of it. He had a desk in the middle of the room, a couple of chairs – if he needed to meet with people, John's office was usually his last choice – and a filing cabinet I'm not sure he ever used. The room was north facing, and John had one of those multi-coloured Atlantis windows so when it was sunny he got a great kaleidoscope of colours fanning out across the floor and walls.

I swiped a hand at the door control and it swung open immediately – he'd programmed it to let me in immediately.

"Hey," I said with a smile. "Chuck said you needed to see me?"

"Yeah," John's expression was kind of careful, like he didn't want me to pick up on what he was going to say, before he actually said it.

"Something's happened," I stated, sitting down across from John.

"Unfortunately, yes," John agreed simply. "This morning, when you asked if McKay seemed like himself …. turns out you were right to be worried."

"I was right?"

"There's something ah …. something growing in his brain," John revealed reluctantly. "Jennifer thinks it's been there since we went to M44-5YN – maybe even before that. All that time in the cold water, how sick he got might have lowered his immunities enough for him to be vulnerable. We didn't notice at first because the changes in McKay were so subtle, but in just one day he's already lost enough basic memory function to be measurable."

"Can Jennifer operate? Is that why you didn't want me to go straight to the infirmary, because he's there?"

"Ah, yes he is there but no, Keller's not operating on him," John replied.

"Why not? Surely the quicker she gets to it, the better for Rodney's recovery," I insisted.

"Sabina," John said quietly.

Before he could say more I held up a hand, all but glaring at him. "No! Don't say it, okay."

"Not saying it won't make it any less real," John shot back, revealing his own anguish. "It's a parasite and it's taking over his brain … and already it's insinuated itself into every segment. Keller can't remove it, not in the traditional way."

"Then there are other options," I said firmly. "Drugs to kill it or slow it down. Radiation treatments, something. There can't be nothing we can do!"

"You're right, and we're definitely not giving up," John agreed. "Doctor Keller is already looking for some of those options, but in the mean time you need to understand that Rodney's condition is going to deteriorate, and rapidly from what Jennifer can already tell."

"He's going to forget more stuff?" I queried. Rodney as the smartest man in two galaxies was a given, but he'd still be our friend even if he ended up being only as smart as the rest of us.

"At first, yes, but eventually he'll forget the really easy stuff, at the basic level," John said, swallowing back his emotions. "His body will forget how to function Sabina."

I frowned, feeling a sick kind of panic building inside. "What can we do?" I almost whispered, my eyes watering. God, this was crazy! We'd faced losing Rodney once before when he'd activated the ascension machine, but it had been so quick and he'd been so brilliant beforehand it was easy to ignore the end result.

"Be there, be a friend," John said simply. "Trust Keller to exhaust every information source looking for a solution."

"The repository!" I exclaimed. "I only had enough memory space to copy over their historical and some of the society records. There was a section on advancement – maybe there are medical records about this parasite thing."

"I'll send a team first thing tomorrow," John promised.

"I'll go with them, if that's okay," I offered. "Since I've already done it I can streamline the connection and the downloading."

"Okay, but I don't want you tiring yourself out," John warned. "This is going to drag out Sabina."

I nodded. "How's Rodney taking all this?"

"At the moment, amazingly well," John admitted. "Keller thinks that's another symptom of what's happening. She'll be able to explain it better than I can."

"I want to see him," I stated.

"And you should," John agreed. He stood, walking around his desk and holding out a hand to me. When I took it he pulled me to my feet and into his arms. I snuggled right in, resting my head against his chest, taking and giving the comfort we both needed. "It'll be okay," he promised. "It has to be," he added, for himself just as much as for me.

He went with me to the infirmary. I got the post mission checks done quickly and then made my way to where Rodney was hooked up to a monitor.

"Sabina!" He grinned at me. "How'd it go on M82-359," he beamed. "Got it right, first time," he declared. "Did John fill you in?"

"On your new friend," I pointed to his head, "yeah, he did. This is what happens when you have the biggest brain in two galaxies. You become valuable real estate."

"Maybe," he allowed. "Never thought I'd be the subject of my own research though."

"Rodney suggested we record a baseline of information he's particularly familiar with," Jennifer said, joining us. "We did the first one earlier today and we'll record a new one every day. It should give us an indicator of how long we have to solve this."

"Which you will," Rodney said confidently.

Jennifer tried to smile but anyone would be able to see how troubled she was. "I should have found this days ago," she insisted, "when you first came back from that mission. We could safely remove the parasite if it were smaller and not so embedded."

"How were you going to find it?" Rodney asked, reasonably. "Wasn't it too small to detect back then?"

"Yes, but maybe we could have found it another way, if we'd known to search for something," Jennifer persisted.

"Enough of the beating yourself up Doc," John said firmly. "How long does McKay have to stay here?"

"I've recorded a detailed timeline of brain signals and responses to various stimuli," Jennifer said. "He's free to go, as long as he agrees to come back once a day, and any other time if he notices anything that escalates this beyond what we currently know."

"I can do that," Rodney agreed so easily. Normally he'd protest the need for even the basics, not because he didn't want medical attention – Rodney was a renowned hypochondriac. He just always believed there should be more advanced ways of delivering the various treatments he felt he needed. Now he was agreeing to the basics with barely a reaction. It was unnerving.

"Leave it with me Doc," John suggested. "I'll make sure he gets back to his quarters and that he comes back on schedule."

"It's a tough duty Colonel," Keller warned, with a teasing look towards Rodney. "He's a wily one."

"I won't let him evade me," John promised. "Come on buddy," he turned to Rodney with an easy expression. "Let's get your gear and get you back to your room. It's been a long day."

Rather than go with them – the two friends obviously needed some privacy to talk about what was happening – I lingered behind so that I could talk to Jennifer.

"How bad is it really?" I asked as soon as John and Rodney had disappeared out the door.

"Bad," Jennifer admitted starkly. "It's early days and already he's forgetting basic words … or not really forgetting them, but taking a noticeable amount of time to retrieve the words he wants."

"And you think we should have noticed sooner?"

"Sudden mood changes are often a symptom," Jennifer explained, "and okay, in this case it wasn't sudden, more like something that crept up on us, but yes, I think I should have realised sooner. He's been so much more relaxed lately."

"Nicer, happier," I agreed. "I don't understand why that's a symptom though."

"The parasite is plugged into the emotion centres of his brain," Doctor Keller explained. "It's not that he's nicer or more easy-going as such. Rather, the emotions that make him so driven are being interfered with."

"How fast is he going to deteriorate?"

"Well, it won't be linear, but based on what I've observed so far, we're talking weeks, not months." Jennifer looked so sad right then, more than a doctor for a patient under threat. I knew they'd shared a moment or two, back when they'd been trapped with Sam in the underground bunker. It had never occurred to me at the time that there might actually be something with the potential to last underneath. It was a shame neither of them had done anything about their feelings ... Jennifer didn't need regret weighing her down more than she already was.

"So, less than a month from now, if we can't find a way to fix this, Rodney will …," I trailed off, reluctant to give voice to the conclusion, as if doing so would somehow lock it into place.

"He'll die," Jennifer said sadly. "I'm not going to let that happen … no matter what it takes, I will find a way to treat this."

"I don't know if it will help but my team discovered an information repository today," I told her. "Well, Rodney actually discovered it in the database here. We just went there and found it. There might be information – historical records of life on Atlantis before the Wraith came that could be useful if any of it is about medical stuff."

"At this point I'll take any leads I can get," Jennifer replied. "Ronon called it the second childhood so look for any references to treating it."

"What did Ronon say about the illness?"

"He didn't know anything about the medical details, only what he'd seen as a youngster," Jennifer explained. "It usually happens to people much older than Rodney. They don't survive."

"Right," I shook my head. "Life and how they deal with what they see as inevitable is different here than where we come from."

"Yes, and we need to be positive for Rodney because that will help him," Jennifer agreed.

"Okay. I should let you go … I'll bring anything I find to you as soon as I can."

"Thank you Sabina."

"And ah … if there's anything else I can do, you'll tell me, right?"

"Of course," Jennifer replied.

"Rodney's a friend, you know," I said softly. "And he's important to John … I don't know how John will take it if Rodney doesn't recover."

Not waiting for her response I turned and left, keen to get back to my quarters and the privacy to try and digest the implications of what Rodney was facing.


	19. Mrs John

**Chapter 19: "Mrs John."**

Part of me wanted to just avoid Rodney, because I didn't want to see all the clues that would remind me that slowly but surely we were losing him. Of course the rest of me realised that if I didn't behave the way a friend should I'd regret it for a very long time. In the end I had to be brave and face Rodney, just like we all did.

We went about our usual routine mostly, aside from John grounding his team and spending a lot more time with Rodney. They were already close but Rodney's illness brought them closer – I could see how much Rodney was relying on John to be there, and how insecure he began to feel when John had to be off doing something else.

While John was immersed in the day to day with his friend, my exposure was more sporadic. Team Lorne wasn't grounded so we had a couple of standard mission obligations to fulfil. We also went back to M82-359 so that I could personally search for and download anything about the medical case histories of any inhabitants of Atlantis. I'd refine it to search for the second childhood Ronon and Teyla referenced once I had everything back in the city. We spent two days on the planet filling up as many storage devices as we could all carry. I'd recycled the first ones I'd used and would have to again, since we only had a handful and Rodney was in no condition to make us more.

Because we'd been away for two days straight, the change in Rodney when we got back was startlingly clear. If I'd been there and gradually exposed, the contrast probably wouldn't have been so obvious. He was slipping – rapidly – you could hear it in his voice and see it in the way he held himself.

It was a large task to search through literally hundreds of thousands of records – all the people who'd lived in the city over the centuries the city had thrived … before the Wraith emerged and ruined it all. As I worked through those records I began to feel like I was getting to know the city's original inhabitants better than I ever had. It saddened me all over again to appreciate how very much had been lost.

Unfortunately in that first week of searching I didn't find anything useful. I spoke to Jennifer regularly, and actually felt like we were becoming friends too. The strain on her was beginning to show and I wished there was a way I could help, something more active than spending hours in my lab reading the M82-359 database.

About eight days after what we were calling day one of Rodney's decline, John and I were awoken from sleep by someone hammering on our door.

"John!" "John!"

"It's Rodney," I murmured, rubbing my eyes to wipe the sleep away.

"Go back to sleep," John urged, caressing my cheek. "I'll look after him."

"Okay," I agreed, even though we both knew it would take time for me to settle again.

"John!" Rodney yelled out even as John hurried towards the door, thinking the lights on to low on his way.

"You were there, and then y-you ...," Rodney stuttered. John's team had been taking it in turns to sit with the scientist so that he'd never be left alone.

"Rodney, Rodney! I'm right here! What's wrong?" John asked, concern radiating out of him, clutching the other man's shoulders in an attempt to sort out the situation.

"I woke up, but Ronon left!" Rodney said, a little hysterical, his ability to control his emotions affected by what was happening to him.

"Oh, buddy, I'm sorry," John apologised. "I thought you'd fallen asleep," he added as Rodney let go, clutching at his head and beginning to sob.

"I was ... I got so scared," he moaned. "I was sure that ... by morning what was left of my mind was gonna be gone."

Poor Rodney, to be so aware of what he was losing but be unable to do anything about it. My eyes filled with tears as I watched him. I wanted to say something but at the same time didn't want to interrupt. It was John who'd become Rodney's lifeline, not me. He needed his friend right then.

"I'm gonna take you back to your quarters, okay?" John suggested, putting a comforting hand on Rodney's shoulder.

"John, John, I've never been so scared," Rodney said tearfully. "I'm slippin' away. I'm slippin' away and I don't know how to stop myself."

"Look, you're still here, all right? You're still here," John said bracingly, holding on to Rodney's shoulders now.

"Right. I am." Rodney struggled to calm down.

"And I'm not goin' anywhere. Hell, you wanna hang out, you just ... hang out," John invited.

"I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do with myself," Rodney said apologetically. "I'm ... I'm sorry. I shouldn't ... I shouldn't have woken you up." He looked up to see me sitting up in bed, watching them with concern. "Sabina, I'm s-sorry. The last thing you need is some … someone bursting in here in the middle of the night when you need to rest."

"You should come here whenever you need to Rodney," I said softly. "I'll rest better if I know you've got what you need to feel secure, okay?"

He nodded, offering me a weak smile.

"Hey, look," John pointed towards our window. "It's a nice night out. Let's go and have some beer on the pier, okay?"

He didn't wait for Rodney to agree, grabbing a shirt and his jacket on his way to the small fridge we kept in our quarters.

"I drink beer?" Rodney watched John with a sceptical look.

"A lot," John stated firmly, giving me a quick glance that all but dared me to contradict him. Instead I gave him an approving nod, smiling as he threw Rodney his jacket. John loved that leather jacket – there was nothing that said more about how important Rodney was to him than that he would let his friend wear it. He grabbed a six-pack from the fridge, slamming the door closed.

"Don't wait up for me," he told me, stopping by the bed and leaning in to give me a quick kiss. "Thanks," he murmured, pressing his cheek against mine before he straightened, his full focus back on Rodney. "Come on, buddy, let's go."

The two men left the room, Rodney shifting to walk close beside John, borrowing strength.

* * *

It was a couple of hours before John returned. I'd slept a little but woke as soon as I sensed his presence. "How'd it go?"

"He wanted to say his goodbyes, now, while he remembers us all," John muttered, his eyes full of despair.

"He knows what's happening," I said sadly. "It's scary for him … for all of us."

"Yeah, well I'm not ready to give up just yet!" John said angrily.

"It's not giving up to let him have what he needs," I said mildly.

"It _is_ if it encourages him to give up too," John shot back. "If he thinks there's no hope, who knows what effect that will have on him."

"So you refused?" I asked. "How did he take that?"

"Not well at first," John admitted. "I think he called me a hypocrite, or words to that effect. But then he made a joke out of it and he was himself again, for a little while."

"Oh John," I held out a hand that he immediately took, using it to draw him down to our bed. "I'm so sorry," I murmured, stroking his hair. "I'm so sorry."

"Me too," he muttered thickly.

* * *

Another week passed, and then most of another and Rodney got worse and worse, until his manner and way of speaking bore little resemblance to how he used to be. He was slow and stuttery, he had trouble remembering the simple words now, and he held himself in a hunched manner, as though he were trying to hide away inside himself.

We'd sent for his sister, using all the resources at our disposal to get her there in time. It was that 'in time' thing that raised the panic levels, that made us all sick with dread. 'In time' – because there was a point not too far into the future now when time would run out ... when Rodney would slip too far away and we'd never get him back again.

Everyone was on edge. At some point, and I don't know exactly when, things shifted from being about finding a way to save Rodney, to preparing for when he would be gone. When that happened, Ronon came to John and told him about Talus.

"My grandfather had the Second Childhood," he said abruptly one morning at breakfast. It was just Ronon, John and I – Teyla was visiting with Kanaan and Torren, and Rodney now had his own room in the Infirmary on a permanent basis.

"You never mentioned it before," John pointed out.

"He died," Ronon said abruptly.

"Oh," John nodded. There wasn't much either of us could say to that. "McKay is not gonna die," John insisted.

Ronon didn't speak but he didn't need to. The look he gave John spoke volumes. Ronon was a native of the Pegasus galaxy. He knew about the way things worked here at a level we couldn't duplicate, because he'd grown up accepting them.

"What does your grandfather have to do with Rodney," I asked, sure Ronon hadn't mentioned it just to make conversation.

"There was a place, The Shrine of Talus," Ronon explained. "People with the Second Childhood would go there and for one day they'd be themselves again."

"What, like back to what they were before their illness?" John asked, sceptical.

"We took my grandfather there," Ronon continued. "I saw it for myself. His mind was sharp again, he knew who we all were."

"How old were you?" I asked curiously.

Ronon hesitated for a moment. "Six," he said abruptly.

"That's pretty young buddy," John pointed out. "Memory is a funny thing."

"The place is real and what happened there was real, John," Ronon stated intently. "We could take McKay there, give him the same chance to -."

"To what?" John interrupted harshly. "To say goodbye?"

"To die with dignity," Ronon said quietly. "If it were me, that's what I would want."

John was silent for a moment, thinking. "You have the gate address?"

Ronon nodded.

"Okay, we take it to Woolsey," John decided, "after we get a read on the situation on Talus, and _after_ we run it past Doctor Keller," he added when Ronon stood, clearly intent on going to talk to the city leader immediately.

"Fine," Ronon conceded.

* * *

The infirmary was quiet as I walked in to visit Rodney. John and the others were talking about plans with Mr. Woolsey and John has asked me to go sit with Rodney so he wouldn't be without anyone still familiar to him.

"Hi Rodney," I said quietly, moving to sit beside his bed.

"Mrs John," he gave a half giggle. Thank God he still recognised me, even if it was just the connection he'd made in his mind to John. It was the one time when I didn't mind being known only as John's wife.

"That's right, Mrs John," I agreed, smiling.

"John?" Rodney looked behind me hopefully.

"In a little while," I reassured him. "He's talking to Mr Woolsey at the moment. All your team and Jennifer are there. When they're done I bet John will be right here."

"'Kay," Rodney agreed, nodding vaguely.

He was sitting up in bed, rocking just a little bit backwards and forwards. Every now and then he'd frown, like he knew there was something else he should be doing if he could just remember what it was. It was so very sad to see someone as smart as Rodney had been reduced like that.

I swallowed, struggling for a topic of conversation he could participate in that wouldn't upset us both. "I bet Jennifer has been looking after you really well," I said somewhat lamely. Yeah, my bedside manner was still appalling.

"Jennifer … nice," Rodney said wistfully. There was something in his expression – it wasn't the devotion he showed to his best friend John but it was like that.

"That's right. You have no trouble remembering her, do you?" I smiled. "She's doing everything she can Rodney so don't give up, okay."

"Don't give up," Rodney repeated. I wasn't sure if he was just repeating my words or agreeing that he wouldn't quit.

"So, latest update on the information repository," I said conversationally. It was a habit I'd developed soon after Rodney began to deteriorate rapidly. John said it wouldn't matter what I talked about, that it was the company Rodney enjoyed. So I told the scientist about my studies into the information we'd gotten from the repository.

"You know we didn't find anything about the second childhood in the medical histories," I reminded him. "I guess it's not surprising because they probably called it something else. Jennifer suggested lots of possibilities – names based on the Latin derivatives for common mental ailments but none of them worked either."

Rodney nodded vaguely and I knew he maybe understood one in every ten words I said. When I stopped talking though, he looked at me expectantly, clearly waiting for me to continue.

"What I have discovered is personal records for lots and lots of people, maybe even everyone who ever lived on Atlantis," I explained, repeating the same details I'd told him several times since I first started getting to know the previous inhabitants of the city through the records we'd downloaded. "For a genealogist it's like a goldmine. John thinks I could probably find my own family in there, trace my lineage back a long way, if I wanted to."

"Family," Rodney muttered, swaying back and forth. His hands were gathered up to his chest. "John," he said, "… and Jean … Jeanie. My sister," he smiled, proud of himself for remembering.

"She's on her way," I told him, even though I knew John had already told Rodney he'd arranged for Jeanie to be brought to Atlantis.

"So anyway, I'm not sure if I should search the records for anything about my family," I continued. "Chances are they won't be in the part of the database I downloaded because I concentrated on the period prior to the Wraith. "I've deliberately avoided any chance of stumbling across them accidentally. What's the point in knowing, right? That was so long ago."

"Family," Rodney repeated and I wondered if he was trying to tell me something, in his own way.

"Jeanie will be here in a few days," I promised.

Rodney smiled, nodding. He started muttering under his breath after that, a jumbled mix of numbers and words. I think it was the daily litany he'd been recording with Jennifer – he struggled so much to remember any of that now and spent a lot of his time practising, maybe so he could do better for Jennifer when it was time for the daily recording.

I sat with him, offering the occasional comment, until John and the others arrived.

"Hey, Rodney," Jennifer said gently. "You've got some visitors. John's here. So are Teyla and Ronon. Your whole team."

I stood, moving aside to make room for everyone. Catching John's eye as Ronon spoke to Rodney, I nodded towards the door. They needed to do this as a team … and I guess I didn't want to be a part of that, because it was just another thing that had been lost days ago.

John nodded, his attention already back on his team mate as I slipped quietly out the door.


End file.
